A Tough Choice

I felt condemnation because I felt like I didn't measure up. I was pursuing who I thought I ought to be more than I was pursuing the Lord. But I couldn't be perfect. You know how people say that we shouldn't allow the world to tell us who we should be (as women specifically)? Well I wasn't listening to the world, but another voice was telling me who I should be, and I couldn't measure up.

I couldn't say how I honestly felt, because I had to say the "right" thing. I was told that I couldn't be angry, and I was. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, because I thought that I was doing something wrong. But God gave us all of our emotions, and isn't surprised or offended when we feel them.

I felt like I was being pushed into a mold that I didn't fit into. I saw the "model" people, but knew no matter how "right" they were presented to be, I couldn't be them. God may have other plans for my life! We see just how very different even the snow flakes are, so how could I possibly fit into the exact model of someone else? I couldn't.


So now, I have a choice. I am stuck, because I know that whatever I chose, it will be hard. I will feel lonely again, and chances are I will let someone down. And I cannot leave my heart out of it - now matter how much I may want to.

However, I now can make my choice in light of God's will for me. He has a glorious plan, and will never leave me or abandon me. I desire to return to the simplicity of my First Love. I do not know Him as a father, but I hope that He will reveal that to me. I barely know Him as a friend, or as a lover, or a teacher. In fact, I barely know who He is at all! I need to take some time to focus on getting to know who HE is. That is my desire. I don't care if I am doing or feeling what someone else tells me I should do, say, or feel, because I know that God is going to reveal Himself to me, and in that I will grow.

But I also don't want to leave a place broken. I have felt the pain from there, but the mistakes should not define my season there. I know I have learned and grown a lot in this place. But sometimes God leads us to new places we never expected...