Unsatisfied

I sometimes wonder about this dissatisfaction of this life, and how I can sit here for hours just trying to find a way to relieve the aching inside of me. As a christian, I sometimes wonder if I am not supposed to feel this way, or if I am supposed to feel satisfied in life because of Christ in me. However, what I am supposed to feel is somewhat irrelevant, since it is not what I feel.

Of course there are times when I taste of my eternal satisfaction, but it is never full, never complete. Should it be this way? I suppose great theologians and philosophers have stated that nothing in this world will ever satisfy that desire within us, because we have been actually created for something more.

I don't know the point I am trying to make, or even if I am trying to make a point at all. All I know is that all day long my heart has longed for more, my spirit has groaned to know that fullness of the life I was designed for. And when I thought I had finally resigned to settle for less, the groaning just grew louder, and I am sure that I can not.

(Not that this is of the eternal sense, but it has been a part of my aching.) I suppose I would say then that I would rather die alone than ever choose to settle for someone less than what I adore. I feel like a fool for it at times, but I still hold that since it isn't perfection that I want - but instead it is the adoration and complete abandon for God that I have seen in some - they can go ahead and call me foolish, for it is what I must have.

And my heart aches, for it knows what it was created for, and that I may surrender to choose to die without ever having it (if less is the only option).