They tell me that we belong together

This week has been interesting.  Not too eventful, but a good experience.

I realized that I have allowed myself to be "the bitter one" for far too long.  I have used my past as an excuse to not cling to hope and faith, when all along it was there for me.  I am done being angry.  I am done being hurt.  My life is not so bad, in all actuality.  I have to learn not to let my criticism hinder my faith in God.

It has been a process this past year.  I think I'm a very different person than the one who left for Lee last fall.  That girl was hurt, angry, hidden, self-absorbed, doubtful, and shut-down.  But praise Jesus, that is not the same person that is writing this right now.  

I was hurt, but God restored me through friendships and acceptance.  He showed me that I don't have to try to measure up, because I am loved as I am.  This has also brought me to a greater point of understanding of His love for me, which has caused me just to fall even more deeply in love with Him than ever before.  I can honestly say, He speaks.  He speaks to me daily (at least if I am mindful to pay attention -- which I want to do).  Nothing compares to hearing His voice.  Nothing compares to feeling Him near.

I was hidden.  I refused to let anyone near me, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand.  I couldn't handle my fragile faith being questioned.  Plus, I clung to the Lord with everything I had, so sharing what little I had of Him seemed unfathomable.  

Self-absorbed.  Gah, still working on that one.

Over my last year in highschool, I gradually allowed myself to shut-down to the world around me.  My faith and beliefs were being questioned, and my security net removed.  I felt stripped of myself, and therefore I withdrew.  I couldn't handle being so alone.  I determined that instead of hurting, I would close my heart and mind.  I was numb.  I didn't feel anything anymore.  I just was, and did what I had to do.  It wasn't good, it was life.  Was God good?  I honestly didn't know.

To be honest, I often feel tempted to return to numbness.  It's easier there, and more comfortable.  I am familiar with it now, so it's an easy adjustment.  But that's not who I am meant to be.  

I can't be numb, and I can't be shut-down.  I can't stay bitter, I can't stay angry.  It's time to move on.  Life is waiting.  GOD is waiting.  I will do anything to be useable to Him, even lay down all my insecurities.  

Last year brought me to a place where I wasn't afraid to die for the sake of Christ.

This year brings me to a place where I am not afraid to LIVE for Him.