"I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love"

So a long time ago I read something that stuck out to me, and ever since that day I've never been able to get it out of my mind. Those words were...

I want to be able to vulnerable and open with people instantly. I want to be able to show the kind of acceptance that I am being bombarded with to everyone I meet.

Because Jesus wasn't guarded.

And he certainly wasn't afraid to love those who might hurt him. I guess what with omniscience and all, he wasn't afraid to love those who he KNEW would later hurt him.

And I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love.

Great ambition, right? I mean, speaking as someone who longs to emulate Christ... I am far far farfrom getting it right. Though I must admit, I am certainly trying.

It seems as though in my own life, God has once again set Himself on a mission of helping me tear down the walls that I have built around myself. It started a while ago, probably around the same time I read that other post (^). Most likely that is why I remember the words so vividly. But this time... this time it's different. This time I must let a him in. I've warmed up to letting another female know me - to glimpse on occasion through the heavy linen that enshrouds my heart - but I'm sure I can do this... I'm not sure.

As lame as it sounds, I think they got the idea right. Let's have a look, shall we?

"We have a desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is the core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can we seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."

"Most woman doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. It is, in fact, our deepest doubt. When it comes to the issues surrounding beauty, we vacillate between striving and resignation... Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide. Hide in business; hide in church activities; hide in depression. There is nothing captivating about me. Certainly not inside me."

Oddly enough, I think that this explains a lot about me. It's dumb, I know. It's WAY to feminine to be something I want to admit... but in many ways, it's true. As long as I don't let anyone see that I desire that, they I can't be disappointed when I am told, once again, "no, there's nothing special about you."

Now you see, all women understand this issue. So we're super sensitive to it. It is not unusual to hear girls telling each other how delightful they are, because we know. It's actually gotten pretty cliche, because of just how much women want to hear it. Guys... well they're different. They don't understand the need... and from my experience, have largely contributed to the problem. Now, I DO NOT mean all guys. I'm not one of those women who hate men... I guess I just don't expect them to get it, or to be sensitive to it. So, I hide. If I don't let them in, then I am not hurt by them, and they also don't have to go out of their way to even try to understand. Kind of a weird thought, right?

But I suppose I'm cheating myself then. After all, it is God who tells us once and for all that we have been made with something inside of us that captivates, and that we are worth it. If I don't allow myself to be open, essentially I rob Him of the opportunity to make me more secure in Him. Problem.

So I'm learning. I don't want to be guarded anymore. I want to love openly and freely, without expectation of return. I want to love unconditionally. I want to offer my all to people, even if they may reject it. Because you know what? I love because He loved. In Him I find all I need, and therefore whatever the world tries to take will never leave me empty or lacking. He is sufficient.