So, I wanted to find a good way to relate the occurrences of my life as of late, and to do so, I have decided on just posting en entry from my own journal. Mind you, this was not meant for public eyes, but it's there anyway. This is so you all can know that I have a wonderful God, and that He is the most important thing in my life. If I am going to prattle on about anything, I want it to be about Him. So here goes.

Last night was so… weird. I mean, really really good, but weird nonetheless. We had Amy’s surprise birthday party here, and while a bunch of people were upstairs in Nicole’s room playing her guitar, Kelsey, Ellie, Bethany, Caley, Ben, Travis, and I (and sometimes Danya) sat in the living room and talked about God. Well, I didn’t really say anything, I just listened and thought. After talking for a while, Kelsey and Ellie wanted to have a time of worship, so I went and got Nicole’s smaller guitar from upstairs, and they just sang. I knew it was coming – I was somewhat embarrassed because I knew that as soon as they started playing, I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. They were inevitable at this point. Even the other day while sitting in my Spanish class the teacher played a worship song in Spanish, and I couldn’t help by cry. It was pretty embarrassing.

So back to last night… I cried for a while, just asking God all of these questions that have been in my mind. I felt completely ashamed of myself for my mistakes – unworthy of God’s forgiveness. I felt overlooked by many people whom I had wished would love me – and felt the sting in my heart that claimed, “They never loved you. You’re not good enough” as waves of pain washed over me. On top of this, I was hopeless, forgetting to trust in God to keep His word. I was burnt out, and completely unsure of His promises.

That’s when Ellie suggested that we pray for one another. We all got close together, and then she said that she wanted to start with me. I expected it. You see, by this point everyone had seen me ball my eyes out for a good 45 minutes, which was a good blow to my pride too. I didn’t care anymore though. I whispered to God, “Whatever You have for me, I’ll take it. I’m not too proud to receive anything anymore.”

Everyone prayed silently at first, and then Ellie said, “I hear God say the word ‘proud.’ He’s proud of you.” Kelsey agreed with that. That was what first hit me. The meaning behind that simple word carries all the way back to the beginning of my relationship with God, when I sat in 8th grade, hoping to hear God’s voice for the first time. I wanted to know, was He proud of me? Through the years and the churches, one of the most haunting realities that followed me was the people who constantly seemed to answer, “No, God’s not proud, and neither are we. We don’t trust you, and you’re not good.” With this background, simply having God start out by saying that He is proud of me meant more than I can possibly express. It caught my attention, and dispelled any doubt that He was there.

They went on to say that God wanted me to know how attentive He is to me. Again, this shocked me. Literally, right before that I had been asking God through an explosion of tears and a bath of pain why it was that I felt so overlooked. And He answered, claiming that He Himself, my Creator and Saviour, was attentive to me. He doesn’t overlook me. He cares. The pain subsided, and peace began to wash over me instead.

Next, He reminded me that He is faithful to His promises, and will do what He says. Someone also said that they thought He was saying “This burden was never meant for you to carry, and He wants to bring you so much joy when he lifts it and brings restoration to it.” Wow. It was at that moment when I realized that I have carried the burden of other’s (some who are close to me) salvation/relationship with God for over a year now, and that it’s not my burden to carry. However, He confirmed in me that His promises to bring that restoration to them are still good, and that He will be faithful to me.

Okay, take a breath before we continue. I know I need to.

Then Kelsey said that God wanted me to know that when I am in my bed at night in the dark, longing to know that He’s there or that He’s listening, that He is there. It was amazing, because I don’t know how many nights I’ve curled on my bed, just wishing He would be there and truly meaning it when I said that I would give anything, anything to feel His presence. In those nights when I’ve cried out in desperation for Him, He’s been there all along. I hope He helps me understand that more fully.

A few people also said that God is going to use my hospitality and my mothering heart in my future and in my life. That brings me so much joy, because that’s one thing that I have always hoped for. I want to have a home open to people to come and be safe, and to find Jesus. They said my home would be a refuge, and a home of peace. Of peace! They told me that God said not to be tame in my dreams, but that my imagination was to run wild with Him. He can bring them to completion.

And then Ben said that God told him that I should not compare my Christianity with others. It’s a very personal thing, and that’s okay. And Kelsey said that He’s going to begin to reignite a passion for those I used to pray for, before I lost hope. This is amazing, because I want to do this so badly, and now that He has begun to restore me, I feel that I finally can.

So to sum it up, Kelsey said that God told her that night was specifically made for me. Like, it was for everyone, but that God wanted to do something in me that night. That God the Father delighted in me as His daughter, and wanted to bring me joy. I think He had this happen with people so that it would bring me the connection and friends that I have longed for, and I am to utterly blown away. None of those things said could have been more perfect. I didn’t think that my doubt could ever be that eradicated, but He wants to do it. I don’t really know what to think, but I am so grateful for those people, and mostly for my Saviour, who after everything still loves me.

Two verses that have stuck with me since then are two that we talked about that night: 2 Corinthians 5:21 and Colossians 3:3. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” Because of Jesus, God looks at us and doesn’t see our mistakes or sin, but only the righteousness of Christ. To Him, He looks on us and sees us as though we never even made a mistake. I betrayed my Lord, and yet He gives me His righteousness and takes my sin and death! It’s completely unbelievable. Colossians 3:3 says, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” When God looks at our life, as Ellie described it, “It’s like you’re wrapped in a big Jesus blanket and God is looking through it saying, ‘All I see here is Jesus!’” I want my life to be hidden in Christ.