How does one live?

I don't want a small life.

I don't want a life of walls.

Jesus, I want a life of living. I want to be captured, enraptured, entrusted, and surrounded. I want to feel the rocks tremble in your holiness. I want to be told to remove my sandals on your holy ground.

But here's the problem. I don't really know how to live. I don't know how to make my days more... productive. I just want to be out there, with Your people. I want to love.

I'm sick of doing things for myself. I am sick of focusing on myself. That's the problem, you see? Being at school. I write papers, I complete service hours, I work... but all in order to fulfill the requirements for ME to graduate. I don't want to live that way... but it's almost like there's no other option.

Don't get me wrong, I try to serve others, and to do my work for the glory of the Lord... but it's still.. just.... work.




So I'm torn.

I'm torn between being here, and being at school. Here, I feel at ease being in love with You. Here, there is nothing challenging me to be so self-disciplined. But here, there's less. At school I can serve, but there I also feel alone. I feel like a dying breed.

I am also torn between sitting and doing. I love so much to live and serve, and to live my life loving others and God. But, I also... and so much, love to just... "marinate" in His presence. Its a funny word. But honestly, I just want to sit at His feet.

Lastly, I am torn between wanting to be significant and wanting to be insignificant. There's a real part of me that wants to do great things. The problem is... I'm not charismatic. I'm not someone who others are naturally drawn to. I don't really want to be in the spotlight... but I also am afraid that my lack of charm will lessen my dream. But then I remember, it's not really about me, is it? So then, I do want insignificance. "He must become greater; I must become less.” That's true, that's true. So why do I worry about being so small?



Lord, these are my thoughts. Transform me. I choose You.