Sometimes I'm haunted by things I've felt.

So I just reread a letter I wrote last year--you know, one of those that you write to a person and never send? Well, there was one part of it that was just shocking to me. I couldn't believe the clarity with which I wrote these words, and how they are still so meaningful to me right now. I wrote this:

"I guess what I mean to say that is… I am trying. I want to forgive you so badly. I want to never be affected by your choices and your life, but that’s admittedly impossible. But this is a start. But first you have to know. I am broken. I am still trying to sort through the arrows that have been shot through me, and see which ones bare your mark. Most of them do."

The strange thing is that I know how that feels, and I meant every word of what I wrote, but at the same time... things are different now. Yes, I still feel the pain sometimes of the betrayal, but I'm learning to live beyond my past.

I guess what I am trying to say is.... God is healing me.

I don't think I could have ever imagined this healing.

"So yes, you’ve fully done your job of making me feel worthless. I cry every time I think about it, and curl as tight as I can because the idea of having a gaping hole in my heart forcing me to hold myself together feels more than accurate."

It's a sad reality, but its okay. I have come to terms with the fact that I am broken, and that's okay. I don't have to keep it together for anyone. No matter how right my answers are, no matter how impressive I can make myself, its not what makes me worthwhile.

God is wonderful. Don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.