Strange

It feels weird to be by myself again, but I guess I will have to get used to it, since she's leaving soon.

Sometimes I blink, and life passes by

Love that is not denying reality, but accepts fault and loves regardless.
To love someone unexpected. To love at all.

And I want to explain love, but I can't. No clichés, but honest love, including action and sentiment. Not perfect love, but love that says what doesn't make sense to all. Love that is not "model" love, but is true. Love that will sacrifice. Love that will endure. There is no way to express what I speak.

I know what I search for, but don't know what will be found. I'll let you know when my heart has finished the search.


And for some reason, this helps to illustrate:

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay for a while
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Wish I...

I want to be genuine. I want to be her.

Names

These are a few names that I love:

Tristan Josiah - Bold, Fire of the Lord
Jael Rae - "Jay-Elle"-to ascend, doe
Sloane Nell - Warrior, light
Anthony - Priceless
Keelan - Little and slender
Leigh - From the meadow
Joel - Jehovah is the Lord
Spencer - Administrator/A steward
Drew - Wise/sturdy
Aidan - Fire
Chérie - Darling/Beloved

Do You Remember?

When we were young, our parents had rules like "No running in the house," and "Wear your helmet." I remember the day that I realized the purpose of those rules. My little sister was running through the house, and fell and hit her head. I was surprised that I never knew before that those rules were there for our protection. My parents loved me, and didn't want to spoil my fun, but instead protect me from harm.

I am beginning to realize that a lot of the "rules" I feel I must live under now are also for my protection. I am loved, and because my leaders see that I am not always wise enough to make the best decisions, they have asked me to follow their "rules." They want to protect me too! This is not because they don't understand, it is because they know that I may not see the potential harm in things.

So, again, I have a decision to make. Do I stay under their protective "rules," or do I choose my own way, even if pain is likely?

Encouraged.

It was good. Life brightens, and I see purpose again - my purpose. I have not totally crashed and burned.. I already did that, and God saved me. I redirect the focus off of me, and onto Him.

Purpose.

I cannot live a life without it.

Love. My purpose.

To love in everything, in every meaning of the word. To sacrifice my life, so love others like they need to be loved. How they are love--how God loves them.

It's strange to hear other peoples' opinions of me. It almost seems like they notice the qualities that are my biggest struggles as what marks me (as a strength). So, while I don't understand all of it, it is encouraging to hear what people see in you that God wants to use. Gifts, talents, strengths, that people come in contact with when they meet you. Thank you, friends, for everything you do for me.

I am not (it seemed like you wanted to know)

I feel abandoned. I feel like a failure. Then I feel like I am believing a lie from Satan, and therefore making myself even more of a failure.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference in other people's lives like I should, and that everything I feel I should not be feeling. I feel like no one is proud of me, no matter what I do.

I know that I am loved by some, but only God knows why. And saying what I just said makes me feel like I'm lousy for throwing a pity party. But I don't feel like a daughter, and I don't feel like I have a brother, and I certainly don't feel pursued. I know my mom appreciates me, but that at any moment I'll let her down. I feel so immature for saying these things, which kills me because I so badly want to grow up and be responsible. My dad doesn't care and my mom doesn't know. And I feel like if I was doing things right I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am cut deeply by words that should be helpful, and then I feel so alone like no one understands me. I want to be there for my close friend, but I feel like I can't help her. I can't be who I ought to be. I know that she loves me, trust me, I know.

And most of all I wish I could end this post telling of how God has changed these feelings.. Leave the testimony of a mature Christian.. but again, I fail to do so. I know that He is good, and He is faithful and righteous. None of this is a reflection of who He is. So again, I'm the one at fault.

Don't feel bad for me. I do not want pity. I don't know what I need. I don't want compassion or understanding, I want to see me change. This is so you know what I am feeling, not so that you can feel sorry for me. I absolutely do not want to be treated any differently, unless you are eventually motivated to speak by who I am, not how I'm feeling.