I am not (it seemed like you wanted to know)

I feel abandoned. I feel like a failure. Then I feel like I am believing a lie from Satan, and therefore making myself even more of a failure.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference in other people's lives like I should, and that everything I feel I should not be feeling. I feel like no one is proud of me, no matter what I do.

I know that I am loved by some, but only God knows why. And saying what I just said makes me feel like I'm lousy for throwing a pity party. But I don't feel like a daughter, and I don't feel like I have a brother, and I certainly don't feel pursued. I know my mom appreciates me, but that at any moment I'll let her down. I feel so immature for saying these things, which kills me because I so badly want to grow up and be responsible. My dad doesn't care and my mom doesn't know. And I feel like if I was doing things right I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am cut deeply by words that should be helpful, and then I feel so alone like no one understands me. I want to be there for my close friend, but I feel like I can't help her. I can't be who I ought to be. I know that she loves me, trust me, I know.

And most of all I wish I could end this post telling of how God has changed these feelings.. Leave the testimony of a mature Christian.. but again, I fail to do so. I know that He is good, and He is faithful and righteous. None of this is a reflection of who He is. So again, I'm the one at fault.

Don't feel bad for me. I do not want pity. I don't know what I need. I don't want compassion or understanding, I want to see me change. This is so you know what I am feeling, not so that you can feel sorry for me. I absolutely do not want to be treated any differently, unless you are eventually motivated to speak by who I am, not how I'm feeling.