Looking back at my blogs over the years, I wish I still wrote consistently. Even my personal journal is lacking. I have several old journals, filled with thoughts from over the years. Many of those pages are embarrassing; many of my old ideas were very limited, immature. Regardless, though, I have them. I know who I was, and I know where I came from, and that's nice to see.
People have never read my blog, really, but I don't really care much at all. It's still here. It still lives on, beyond me. I've thought about changing blogs so often--moving to tumblr, or somewhere else interesting and more popular, but I feel some sort of loyalty to this old one. It's nothing fancy, and I only rarely make it look fancier... but I can't abandon it.
It's almost like how I can't abandon an old bible, with old notes.
So I've had this blog since 2007. In 2007, I started this blog with the question: "How does prayer change and unchangeable God?" I think it's almost odd to look back at the situation in which I was writing, and think of how much it changed me. I wrote that post after meeting a 8 year-old girl, who was dying. It became a big debate about whether or not it would make a difference that people were in her house praying for her 24/7. My friend's dad said no, Joel said yes--who would I choose to believe?
Little did I know--being 16, being young, foolish, and way too trusting--that this was a debate Christians have long entertained. This semester I wrote about Chaucer's struggle with the issue. And wouldn't you know, 5 years later, I'm still unsure. But hey, I'm in good company.
I do know one thing--"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them." -Mark 11:23
I asked God about this verse long ago, and He answered. It was a crazy experience, but life-changing. I guess that's when it all started.
I remember I used to listen to Brooke Fraser's song "Arithmetic" all the time. It goes like this:
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marveling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologize my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic
'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
I remember how much I used to want to feel this way. I used to sit in bed and wish that I felt this, completely. It was as if everything I had wanted to be given up, but I still couldn't make it happen.
What's strange now... is that... I do feel this way. In the last verse, I used to worry that I wouldn't be able to say the same thing--that somehow my love for God would die away, and that my life wouldn't have lived His song... but now, I don't worry about that. I don't know how, or when, but I know that I'm not the same person that used to worry about such things. I don't cry thinking about how that might not be me, because that is me.
As I am now graduated from college and looking for a job, this is becoming my greatest struggle. I've realized that no matter how many songs we can sing about how we want God to be the center or our lives, the only thing we live for, our greatest obsession, etc., there's something in life that desperately fights against that being a reality. And I can't do it! I need for my life to be for something meaningful--not just something, but I need my life to be lived for God. I need to be doing something that He wants me to do, or else there's no point! I can't be purposeless, because there's so much that needs to be done. I just have to find out where my place is.
So here's the deal. I want to be a personal assistant. I want to help someone do something meaningful. I want to assist someone with what they can't do as they accomplish the dream that God has given them. That's my dream job. That's my desire.
Ready. Set. Go.
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