Hope which was lost now stands renewed

God is so good!

Short blog

Oh my gosh God is good!  I am so blessed!

His plans are marvelous, more than I could ever imagine! 

14 months of change have brought me here, and here I will not stay.  Always onward, always closer to the One who transforms me, to the One who makes me whole.  No longer can I sit and wait.  I wait for another year yet, but there is no waiting for Christ.  He is here now, and I am giving everything I can for Him.

Things are beginning to happen - not only in me, but in many.

"Aslan's on the move."

They tell me that we belong together

This week has been interesting.  Not too eventful, but a good experience.

I realized that I have allowed myself to be "the bitter one" for far too long.  I have used my past as an excuse to not cling to hope and faith, when all along it was there for me.  I am done being angry.  I am done being hurt.  My life is not so bad, in all actuality.  I have to learn not to let my criticism hinder my faith in God.

It has been a process this past year.  I think I'm a very different person than the one who left for Lee last fall.  That girl was hurt, angry, hidden, self-absorbed, doubtful, and shut-down.  But praise Jesus, that is not the same person that is writing this right now.  

I was hurt, but God restored me through friendships and acceptance.  He showed me that I don't have to try to measure up, because I am loved as I am.  This has also brought me to a greater point of understanding of His love for me, which has caused me just to fall even more deeply in love with Him than ever before.  I can honestly say, He speaks.  He speaks to me daily (at least if I am mindful to pay attention -- which I want to do).  Nothing compares to hearing His voice.  Nothing compares to feeling Him near.

I was hidden.  I refused to let anyone near me, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand.  I couldn't handle my fragile faith being questioned.  Plus, I clung to the Lord with everything I had, so sharing what little I had of Him seemed unfathomable.  

Self-absorbed.  Gah, still working on that one.

Over my last year in highschool, I gradually allowed myself to shut-down to the world around me.  My faith and beliefs were being questioned, and my security net removed.  I felt stripped of myself, and therefore I withdrew.  I couldn't handle being so alone.  I determined that instead of hurting, I would close my heart and mind.  I was numb.  I didn't feel anything anymore.  I just was, and did what I had to do.  It wasn't good, it was life.  Was God good?  I honestly didn't know.

To be honest, I often feel tempted to return to numbness.  It's easier there, and more comfortable.  I am familiar with it now, so it's an easy adjustment.  But that's not who I am meant to be.  

I can't be numb, and I can't be shut-down.  I can't stay bitter, I can't stay angry.  It's time to move on.  Life is waiting.  GOD is waiting.  I will do anything to be useable to Him, even lay down all my insecurities.  

Last year brought me to a place where I wasn't afraid to die for the sake of Christ.

This year brings me to a place where I am not afraid to LIVE for Him.

Wistful feelings make me nauseous

He didn't realize how much I needed him to be there.

Or was that want?

... I don't even remember.

On Becoming

"You're outnumbered Aragorn. You need more men."

"There are none."

"There are those who dwell in the mountain."

"Murderers... traitors.  You would call upon them to fight?  They believe in nothing.  They answer to no one."

"They will answer to the king of Gondor... The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth.  Put aside the Ranger.  Become who you were born to be."

Even Isaac

If I had a song to sing
I'd color it with things I've seen
And tell of all the lessons learned
Of faith unseen and bridges burned
Of all the things to tell of me
My song will sing of Calvary

If I had my life to give
I'd yield it now His life to live
And tell of all His glory shown
A savior came to welcome home
No greater love gone to the grave
My helpless soul He died to save

If I had one breath to breathe
I'd shout the victory of my King
Who conquered hell and all my sin
This glorious day, new life within
The sum of all my glory be
A sacrifice my Lord for thee

Mein Kampf

This has the potential to be one of the most life-changing things that has ever happened to me...

And yet, I'm not so worried.  I feel confident that there is something in this that transcends what is normal... that, as unusual as it is for me, isn't so dependent on what I do or say.  It is something that causes me to gasp, causes me to tremble, causes the very fiber of my being to unravel. And it is unraveling; slowly but more surely it could not be. There is pain. Oh yes, there is pain. Pain beyond anything I ever could have imagined before this whole thing went down. It is as though the flesh on my knees has been split and is slowly and deliberately being pulled away from the bone. Cartilage rips and muscle tears, causing tears to well up in these eyes that I am not even sure are mine anymore. None of you have any idea what I am talking about... and none of you ever will. I would never utter the thoughts that plague me now to any soul because I fear that nobody else was meant to share this burden with me. It is mine to bear and until my legs buckle I will bear it with integrity and with promise. If ever I should feel inclined to allow another to enter into my confidence, if I felt that were the intent, I most surely would- but with discretion. Discretion almost to the point of a point-blank untruth with a hint of an idea slightly related in the vaguest of ways to a foreign form of the truth. And that is all. That and only that. What more is there to say...