So, I wanted to find a good way to relate the occurrences of my life as of late, and to do so, I have decided on just posting en entry from my own journal. Mind you, this was not meant for public eyes, but it's there anyway. This is so you all can know that I have a wonderful God, and that He is the most important thing in my life. If I am going to prattle on about anything, I want it to be about Him. So here goes.

Last night was so… weird. I mean, really really good, but weird nonetheless. We had Amy’s surprise birthday party here, and while a bunch of people were upstairs in Nicole’s room playing her guitar, Kelsey, Ellie, Bethany, Caley, Ben, Travis, and I (and sometimes Danya) sat in the living room and talked about God. Well, I didn’t really say anything, I just listened and thought. After talking for a while, Kelsey and Ellie wanted to have a time of worship, so I went and got Nicole’s smaller guitar from upstairs, and they just sang. I knew it was coming – I was somewhat embarrassed because I knew that as soon as they started playing, I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. They were inevitable at this point. Even the other day while sitting in my Spanish class the teacher played a worship song in Spanish, and I couldn’t help by cry. It was pretty embarrassing.

So back to last night… I cried for a while, just asking God all of these questions that have been in my mind. I felt completely ashamed of myself for my mistakes – unworthy of God’s forgiveness. I felt overlooked by many people whom I had wished would love me – and felt the sting in my heart that claimed, “They never loved you. You’re not good enough” as waves of pain washed over me. On top of this, I was hopeless, forgetting to trust in God to keep His word. I was burnt out, and completely unsure of His promises.

That’s when Ellie suggested that we pray for one another. We all got close together, and then she said that she wanted to start with me. I expected it. You see, by this point everyone had seen me ball my eyes out for a good 45 minutes, which was a good blow to my pride too. I didn’t care anymore though. I whispered to God, “Whatever You have for me, I’ll take it. I’m not too proud to receive anything anymore.”

Everyone prayed silently at first, and then Ellie said, “I hear God say the word ‘proud.’ He’s proud of you.” Kelsey agreed with that. That was what first hit me. The meaning behind that simple word carries all the way back to the beginning of my relationship with God, when I sat in 8th grade, hoping to hear God’s voice for the first time. I wanted to know, was He proud of me? Through the years and the churches, one of the most haunting realities that followed me was the people who constantly seemed to answer, “No, God’s not proud, and neither are we. We don’t trust you, and you’re not good.” With this background, simply having God start out by saying that He is proud of me meant more than I can possibly express. It caught my attention, and dispelled any doubt that He was there.

They went on to say that God wanted me to know how attentive He is to me. Again, this shocked me. Literally, right before that I had been asking God through an explosion of tears and a bath of pain why it was that I felt so overlooked. And He answered, claiming that He Himself, my Creator and Saviour, was attentive to me. He doesn’t overlook me. He cares. The pain subsided, and peace began to wash over me instead.

Next, He reminded me that He is faithful to His promises, and will do what He says. Someone also said that they thought He was saying “This burden was never meant for you to carry, and He wants to bring you so much joy when he lifts it and brings restoration to it.” Wow. It was at that moment when I realized that I have carried the burden of other’s (some who are close to me) salvation/relationship with God for over a year now, and that it’s not my burden to carry. However, He confirmed in me that His promises to bring that restoration to them are still good, and that He will be faithful to me.

Okay, take a breath before we continue. I know I need to.

Then Kelsey said that God wanted me to know that when I am in my bed at night in the dark, longing to know that He’s there or that He’s listening, that He is there. It was amazing, because I don’t know how many nights I’ve curled on my bed, just wishing He would be there and truly meaning it when I said that I would give anything, anything to feel His presence. In those nights when I’ve cried out in desperation for Him, He’s been there all along. I hope He helps me understand that more fully.

A few people also said that God is going to use my hospitality and my mothering heart in my future and in my life. That brings me so much joy, because that’s one thing that I have always hoped for. I want to have a home open to people to come and be safe, and to find Jesus. They said my home would be a refuge, and a home of peace. Of peace! They told me that God said not to be tame in my dreams, but that my imagination was to run wild with Him. He can bring them to completion.

And then Ben said that God told him that I should not compare my Christianity with others. It’s a very personal thing, and that’s okay. And Kelsey said that He’s going to begin to reignite a passion for those I used to pray for, before I lost hope. This is amazing, because I want to do this so badly, and now that He has begun to restore me, I feel that I finally can.

So to sum it up, Kelsey said that God told her that night was specifically made for me. Like, it was for everyone, but that God wanted to do something in me that night. That God the Father delighted in me as His daughter, and wanted to bring me joy. I think He had this happen with people so that it would bring me the connection and friends that I have longed for, and I am to utterly blown away. None of those things said could have been more perfect. I didn’t think that my doubt could ever be that eradicated, but He wants to do it. I don’t really know what to think, but I am so grateful for those people, and mostly for my Saviour, who after everything still loves me.

Two verses that have stuck with me since then are two that we talked about that night: 2 Corinthians 5:21 and Colossians 3:3. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” Because of Jesus, God looks at us and doesn’t see our mistakes or sin, but only the righteousness of Christ. To Him, He looks on us and sees us as though we never even made a mistake. I betrayed my Lord, and yet He gives me His righteousness and takes my sin and death! It’s completely unbelievable. Colossians 3:3 says, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” When God looks at our life, as Ellie described it, “It’s like you’re wrapped in a big Jesus blanket and God is looking through it saying, ‘All I see here is Jesus!’” I want my life to be hidden in Christ.

There is a landmine in my

backyard, and I keep it there for

comfort.

In my pocket, a grenade

that you set off. Luckily,

I don’t keep myself here

anymore.

But you see, my heart is in

your pocket, for I thought keeping

it with you would keep it safe.

But you dove into acid and my

heart now burns with you.

I can feel the sting from here,

and the hole in my body where I

removed the organ that kept me

alive. But, if the acid is where you

reside, then my heart will reside with you.

I need someone to care.

I find myself now in a perplexing place. It's not exactly what I ever thought, but it's something. That gives you absolutely no information.

I think lately I've been questioning my own identity. It's not as bad as if I was in middle school, but I still have been unsure for quite some time now. I easily pick up the passions of others, which I love, but sometimes I fear that pieces of me get lost along the way.

I guess now is the first time in a long time that I am trying to just keep this identity between me and my Saviour.

Whenever I look at the things that other people write, or the way they design their space, I see a part of them. I think that the reason I thought of this was because I looked at the layout of this blog. It's so simple, boring, but at the same time, it's so me. I like beautiful simple things. I like straight edges and geometric shapes. I love the color blue and the art of ballet. I admire the organic, but that's not me.

But I don't fit into your box.

On my dresser you can find two of my favorite things to look at: peacock feathers and daisies. Both I have adorned with blue.

I started loving daisies the first time I saw Harold and Maude. Harold says he feels most like a daisy, because when looking out over a field they all seem alike. Maude points out that error in this thinking, because each one is purely unique, and that those who are daisies should not let themselves be treated like just a part of a field, but choose to embrace their differences.

I think I'm a daisy.

I've never been showy like a sunflower, stretching to the sun to be seen. I like being a daisy.

I imagine myself dancing in Ansel Adam's snow covered forests, in a bright white dress. I love the raggedness of my friends, who embrace the dirt that I shy away from. I want to invite you into my world, which is one of order and magic, of glorious beauty and wonder. And in my world, I am a child and a mother, and a lover and a friend. I love my friends and they love me, and I am finally, finally free.

Once I am free, you will know it. I will be dancing eternally.

Lord of Lords.

Beholding your beauty is all that I long for
To worship You Jesus is my sole desire
For this very heart you have shaped for your pleasure
Purposed to lift your name higher

Here in surrender in pure adoration
I enter your courts with an offering of praise
I am Your servant come to bring you glory
As is fit for the work of your hands

Now unto the lamb who sits on the throne
Be glory and honor and praise
All of creation resounds with the song
Worship and praise him the Lord of Lords

The spirit now living and dwelling within me
Keep my eyes fixed ever on Jesus' face
Let not the things of this world ever sway me
I'll run 'till I finish the race

Singing unto the lamb who sits on the throne
Be glory and honor and praise
All of creation resounds with the song
Worship and praise the Lord
Now unto the lamb who sits on the throne
Be glory and honor and praise
All of eternity echoes the song
Worship and praise him the Lord of Lords

Holy Lord
You are Holy
Jesus Christ is the Lord

Now unto the lamb who sits on the throne
Be glory and honor and praise
Call all the saints to join in the song
Worship and praise him the Lord of Lords

Lord of Lords
Lord of Lords
Lord of Lords

[brooke fraser]

I have a Saviour who moves me. He moves me, even when I claim that I am standing still.

So today I wrote a song for you

Cause a day can get so long

And I know its hard to make it through

When you say there's something wrong

So I'm trying to put it right

Cause I want to love you with my heart

All this trying has made me tight

And I dont know even where to start

Maybe that's a start

For you know it's a simple game

That you play filling up your head with rain

And you know you are hiding from your pain

In the way, in the way you say your name

And I see you

Hiding your face in your hands

Flying so you won't land

You think no one understands

No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head

And your throat is aching but you swear

No one hurts you, nothing could be sad

Anyway you're not here enough to care

And you're so tired you dont sleep at night

As your heart is trying to mend

You keep it quiet but you think you might

Disappear before the end

And it's strange that you cannot find

Any strength to even try

To find a voice to speak your mind

When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands

Talking bout far-away lands

You think no one understands

Listen to my hands

And all of this life

Moves around you

For all that you claim

You're standing still

You are moving too

You are moving too

You are moving too

I will move you

"Debbie's father had an affair when she was young. He was not a violent man. There was nothing abusive about in. In fact, he was kind to her mother, as he was to Debbie and her sisters. They shared Sunday dinners, went to church together. Only, he chose another woman. 'I guess she wasn't enough to keep him,' Debbie said about her mother. Then she paused and said, 'I guess we weren't enough to keep him.' Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear---abandonment. They wound, not just the mothers, but the daughters as well... Her father did come for visits, to take her on outings. But she learned to hide her heart from him... Hide your vulnerability. Hide your heart. You aren't safe."

"And so, I made a vow. Somewhere in my young heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention. My job in the family was to be invisible, to cause no waves. If I upset things at all, surely this ship would sink. So I began to hide. I hid my needs, my desires, my very heart. I hid my true self."