I am baffled by how much I need a church family right now.

Baffled.


I'm jealous of you all who have someone who cares enough to invest into your life. I need the wisdom of those wiser than me. Was there someone who was supposed to help guide me, too?

Lord, you know my heart. I leave it in your hands.

Roll Away Your Stone

This song basically is how I feel for us:

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside

Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I've seen

Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

C'est la vie

Sometimes I feel like my younger sisters don't know that they really can hurt my feelings.





oh well.

Late night chaos

I need to never be awake late at night when I'm alone. I don't know why, but at night, everything gets serious. Everything is worse.

The problem with today though, was that the whole day felt like night. There was nothing that I could do about it, but the things I thought about - they were emergencies. I was in crisis mode all day long. I am so overwhelmed, and so afraid.

I need to trust in God. I really need his peace. I think that in order for things to change, it would take a miracle.

So tonight, I can't sleep. I just listen to Jon Foreman, and pray for him to meet me. I need a partner. Lord, please, please. You know what I need.

Mini-rant. Beware. And sorry in advance.

You know what annoys me? Being told that I only believe in Christianity because of my culture. Now, I will admit that my culture does influence my perception of God, even in many ways that I am not yet aware of, but that does not mean that my faith is only based on my culture.

Now, some may say that I only believe in Christianity because I was raised in a culture that is predominantly Christian, but that if I had been raised elsewhere, my religion would be different. I disagree with this. I believe, and quite firmly in fact, that I would still reach the conclusion that God is the one, true God, despite my upbringing. I think it is unfair for my culture to be leveled as an argument against my faith. I had no control over where I was born, and I will not claim that growing up in a christian culture is a weakness to my faith. I have not been converted to another faith, but that does not mean that I haven't taken my Christianity seriously.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14:6-7)

Crop Circles

Crop Circles, originally uploaded by Terra Kate.

So I was talking to Nicole last night about how we change over the years, and I really don't think that I've changed much since I was about 16. At that point, I pretty much knew who I was, and who I wanted to be. While small things and minor details have changed, that person, myself at 16, is pretty much who I still am today.

I feel like this might be true of me for a few reasons. The first of which is because I am very slow to change. As I go back and re-read some of the things I have written (even on this blog) over the years, I think I still feel largely the same as I did over the years. I am the same.

When I was 15, I made a list. On that list, I wrote down the characteristics of the kind of person that I wanted to be. Looking back on the list, it is kind of funny... but still it largely reflects the same questions I ask myself. This is some of it:


1) Actions/words/responses
-Behavior that is both appropriate and free
-Avoid immaturity
-Be sensitive to situations
2) Am I a reflection of Christ?
-Live in humility
-Serve those around me
-Show respect to those around me (especially in conversations)
-Love others, including enemies
-Honor my parents and sisters
3) Leadership?
-How should I influence others?
-Care for my relationships, individual persons
4) Personally
-Am I growing in my relationship with God?
-Am I growing in wisdom?
-Am I growing in passion?
-Am I facing struggles in my life?
5) As a future spouse/mother:
-Pray for my husband w/o making my future an idol
-Pray for my family
-Am I actively pursuing my future?
-Love children


I tried to make the list as comprehensive as possible, including all areas of life. After I made this list, I made another list of actions I could take to develop myself into being the person I wanted to be. I started cooking, cleaning, watching children, praying for patience, reading more, and trying to give all of my attention to someone when in conversation with them (instead of looking around/thinking about myself or other things).

I just thought that was interesting. I think I have always wanted to be the kind of person who builds people up, and who is nice to be around. However, I didn't want this to compromise my integrity or character.



Just some thoughts.... I really was a weird 15 year old.