Finally!

I love connection.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I love it when I say something, and you just get it.

When they understand.

When I don't have to explain why I am nauseous when I eat, because you've felt it, too.

When we can sit for hours and say "I thought I was the only one!"

Because I'm not the only one.

I'm not alone.

And all of my mess--well, it's insignificant. Who cares? My shame is nothing. Nothing. Compared to His grace, restoration.

And everyone needs to know that. Everyone needs to see that their shame--those things that they want to hide--they don't matter. No one is going to look down on your for it. No one wants to judge you.

Because
it
doesn't
matter
anymore.

God is greater.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. -2 Cor 5:21

For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. -Colossians 3:3

Because when God looks at me, He doesn't see my shame.

He sees Jesus.

I found a poem. I don't know... tell me what you think I guess.

Were we free to move
in a frictionless plane,
neither you nor I would stop

gliding,

But in moving, breathing,
easing, we forget that there is
movement,
origin,
destination;

forget
the touch of elastic
flesh on rubber
flesh, the taste of
amber fluid on the
swollen tongue;
forget that the heart
skips, the lung
gasps are

temporary;

and forget
the moving waters that say,
Sweetest urge and sweetest will
to go lower, lower still.

We forget,
we doubt,
we disdain.

Sometimes I'm haunted by things I've felt.

So I just reread a letter I wrote last year--you know, one of those that you write to a person and never send? Well, there was one part of it that was just shocking to me. I couldn't believe the clarity with which I wrote these words, and how they are still so meaningful to me right now. I wrote this:

"I guess what I mean to say that is… I am trying. I want to forgive you so badly. I want to never be affected by your choices and your life, but that’s admittedly impossible. But this is a start. But first you have to know. I am broken. I am still trying to sort through the arrows that have been shot through me, and see which ones bare your mark. Most of them do."

The strange thing is that I know how that feels, and I meant every word of what I wrote, but at the same time... things are different now. Yes, I still feel the pain sometimes of the betrayal, but I'm learning to live beyond my past.

I guess what I am trying to say is.... God is healing me.

I don't think I could have ever imagined this healing.

"So yes, you’ve fully done your job of making me feel worthless. I cry every time I think about it, and curl as tight as I can because the idea of having a gaping hole in my heart forcing me to hold myself together feels more than accurate."

It's a sad reality, but its okay. I have come to terms with the fact that I am broken, and that's okay. I don't have to keep it together for anyone. No matter how right my answers are, no matter how impressive I can make myself, its not what makes me worthwhile.

God is wonderful. Don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.

I've been looking for you tonight.

I am sitting here in my room, struck by simplicity.

Simplicity, that's all. In my time in college, we study the complex ideas. We study theories, and humanity. We gaze into the past and try to make meaning of things....

But God is simple for me, tonight.


I seek Him out, and He is found. I ask for His presence to invade my life, and He brings heaven down.

Tonight...

I feel so alone.

One thought

This blog is more about questions than answers. I like questions, because they are me. The answers are not mine, but God's. He is the answer. He's not afraid of the questions, so I will continue to ask, and in doing so, hopefully I will continue to learn who He is.

How does one live?

I don't want a small life.

I don't want a life of walls.

Jesus, I want a life of living. I want to be captured, enraptured, entrusted, and surrounded. I want to feel the rocks tremble in your holiness. I want to be told to remove my sandals on your holy ground.

But here's the problem. I don't really know how to live. I don't know how to make my days more... productive. I just want to be out there, with Your people. I want to love.

I'm sick of doing things for myself. I am sick of focusing on myself. That's the problem, you see? Being at school. I write papers, I complete service hours, I work... but all in order to fulfill the requirements for ME to graduate. I don't want to live that way... but it's almost like there's no other option.

Don't get me wrong, I try to serve others, and to do my work for the glory of the Lord... but it's still.. just.... work.




So I'm torn.

I'm torn between being here, and being at school. Here, I feel at ease being in love with You. Here, there is nothing challenging me to be so self-disciplined. But here, there's less. At school I can serve, but there I also feel alone. I feel like a dying breed.

I am also torn between sitting and doing. I love so much to live and serve, and to live my life loving others and God. But, I also... and so much, love to just... "marinate" in His presence. Its a funny word. But honestly, I just want to sit at His feet.

Lastly, I am torn between wanting to be significant and wanting to be insignificant. There's a real part of me that wants to do great things. The problem is... I'm not charismatic. I'm not someone who others are naturally drawn to. I don't really want to be in the spotlight... but I also am afraid that my lack of charm will lessen my dream. But then I remember, it's not really about me, is it? So then, I do want insignificance. "He must become greater; I must become less.” That's true, that's true. So why do I worry about being so small?



Lord, these are my thoughts. Transform me. I choose You.