frustrating dreams

I don't even know today.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. It's almost like I can't focus on anything, ever. I feel like everything I've ever wanted is right in front of my fingertips, and I just can't reach out and grab it. It perpetually swings, swings, swings in front of me, and I will never hold it in my grasp.

And then, some days I ask myself, does it even matter? Does it matter if my life isn't what I hoped it would be? Does it matter, as long as I can still have my relationship with my God?

I don't know. I don't even know.

I want so much. I feel like it's sitting there before me, again. My dreams taunt me - entice me to drop what I'm holding and grab onto them. But what if I'm holding a diamond and longing for plastic? What if I'm holding plastic and too afraid to release it for the diamond? GAH! WILL I EVER KNOW?