Strange

It feels weird to be by myself again, but I guess I will have to get used to it, since she's leaving soon.

Sometimes I blink, and life passes by

Love that is not denying reality, but accepts fault and loves regardless.
To love someone unexpected. To love at all.

And I want to explain love, but I can't. No clichés, but honest love, including action and sentiment. Not perfect love, but love that says what doesn't make sense to all. Love that is not "model" love, but is true. Love that will sacrifice. Love that will endure. There is no way to express what I speak.

I know what I search for, but don't know what will be found. I'll let you know when my heart has finished the search.


And for some reason, this helps to illustrate:

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay for a while
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Wish I...

I want to be genuine. I want to be her.

Names

These are a few names that I love:

Tristan Josiah - Bold, Fire of the Lord
Jael Rae - "Jay-Elle"-to ascend, doe
Sloane Nell - Warrior, light
Anthony - Priceless
Keelan - Little and slender
Leigh - From the meadow
Joel - Jehovah is the Lord
Spencer - Administrator/A steward
Drew - Wise/sturdy
Aidan - Fire
Chérie - Darling/Beloved

Do You Remember?

When we were young, our parents had rules like "No running in the house," and "Wear your helmet." I remember the day that I realized the purpose of those rules. My little sister was running through the house, and fell and hit her head. I was surprised that I never knew before that those rules were there for our protection. My parents loved me, and didn't want to spoil my fun, but instead protect me from harm.

I am beginning to realize that a lot of the "rules" I feel I must live under now are also for my protection. I am loved, and because my leaders see that I am not always wise enough to make the best decisions, they have asked me to follow their "rules." They want to protect me too! This is not because they don't understand, it is because they know that I may not see the potential harm in things.

So, again, I have a decision to make. Do I stay under their protective "rules," or do I choose my own way, even if pain is likely?

Encouraged.

It was good. Life brightens, and I see purpose again - my purpose. I have not totally crashed and burned.. I already did that, and God saved me. I redirect the focus off of me, and onto Him.

Purpose.

I cannot live a life without it.

Love. My purpose.

To love in everything, in every meaning of the word. To sacrifice my life, so love others like they need to be loved. How they are love--how God loves them.

It's strange to hear other peoples' opinions of me. It almost seems like they notice the qualities that are my biggest struggles as what marks me (as a strength). So, while I don't understand all of it, it is encouraging to hear what people see in you that God wants to use. Gifts, talents, strengths, that people come in contact with when they meet you. Thank you, friends, for everything you do for me.

I am not (it seemed like you wanted to know)

I feel abandoned. I feel like a failure. Then I feel like I am believing a lie from Satan, and therefore making myself even more of a failure.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference in other people's lives like I should, and that everything I feel I should not be feeling. I feel like no one is proud of me, no matter what I do.

I know that I am loved by some, but only God knows why. And saying what I just said makes me feel like I'm lousy for throwing a pity party. But I don't feel like a daughter, and I don't feel like I have a brother, and I certainly don't feel pursued. I know my mom appreciates me, but that at any moment I'll let her down. I feel so immature for saying these things, which kills me because I so badly want to grow up and be responsible. My dad doesn't care and my mom doesn't know. And I feel like if I was doing things right I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am cut deeply by words that should be helpful, and then I feel so alone like no one understands me. I want to be there for my close friend, but I feel like I can't help her. I can't be who I ought to be. I know that she loves me, trust me, I know.

And most of all I wish I could end this post telling of how God has changed these feelings.. Leave the testimony of a mature Christian.. but again, I fail to do so. I know that He is good, and He is faithful and righteous. None of this is a reflection of who He is. So again, I'm the one at fault.

Don't feel bad for me. I do not want pity. I don't know what I need. I don't want compassion or understanding, I want to see me change. This is so you know what I am feeling, not so that you can feel sorry for me. I absolutely do not want to be treated any differently, unless you are eventually motivated to speak by who I am, not how I'm feeling.

Apparently, Change Comes Creeping In the Back Door

Some things come and some things go, and I guess time thinks it's time. I can't sit back and watch, but I need some time to figure out why. I need to release my grab on current reality.. and move on. Just not to accept the change, and be deceived into thinking that what it is, it is not. Don't be fooled. Don't listen, but listen. Don't shut out, don't shut down. Move, look up,

walk forward.

Keep moving, you can't out-run the truth. But don't miss the now by running by it. Steady gaze, intense dissection, no over-analysis.

Time. Change. PUKE.

Yet love. I know love. I feel love.

And I feel failure.

Never have I felt like such a huge disappointment. I need to be more.

Yet love. I know love. I feel loved. However, I need to be more. I am not enough... who I want to be. No one things so, not enough.

And I need someone to want to understand. Don't pretend, no words --action.


I need to be free. I need to be allowed to be angry. It IS okay, Mentor. Anger is an emotion, and temper tantrums are not always a lack of self-control. There is a right, and there is a wrong. I need to be angry. I need to cry. I need to feel. I need to be accepted. I need to desire. I need to develop. I need you to try to understand, and stop telling me who I ought to be. I am not perfect, and apparently that's all you're looking for. I will mature, but give me time. Please like who I am now, too. Tell me.

Sometimes I Like To Be Vague

A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger. -Proverbs 15:1

This is so true. I see families that bicker with no end, and this usually shares some cause in the matter.

Nothing more to say.

For the worst... (this is not a jab to erin..)

There are a few things in life that really bother me. It is not so much that they make me mad, but they make me sad. Tonight, for the silliest reason, I was reminded of one of those things.

I cannot bear when someone does not believe what I say concerning my motives and emotions - the reasons for why I do certain things. For example, when I as young we had a rule in our house that we were not allowed to pass by things that needed to be put away - we must pick them up and put them away. I walked up stairs and saw a pile at the top, and for whatever reason, walked by without taking anything. I knew the rule, so I immediately returned to do as I was supposed to do. As I was walking down the hall toward the pile, my dad yelled "Danielle! Come pick this stuff up!"
"I was on my way to do that."
"No you weren't. Don't lie."

I was telling the truth. It hurt so much to know that I couldn't make my dad believe me, no matter how much I wanted him to listen.

It still gets me even today. If I know what was going on inside of me, but can't convince someone else that I am telling the truth, I go crazy. And it is not enough for the other person to simply say that they believe me- I need to believe that they really do.

Discouraged

I feel very discouraged. It is as if I am not measuring up, and not changing to do so. At this point, I'm not sure if it's true - that I'm failing to do my job - or if it is a lie. I feel as though I am not even doing as much as I used to, and I hate it. I hate failing to mature. I hate that I may be making no difference - and that I am not who I need to be.

All for Love

I love my Church. They are my family! I mean that so sincerely too. And I love Pastor Dale. He knows me before he even knows me. I can't explain it, but I mean it. I love sitting and listening to him. He speaks with such wisdom.

So, at this moment I celebrate my Pastor.

Love Languages!

I was in the shower this morning (you know, to be clean), and I started thinking about the five love languages. So here they are:

• Words of Affirmation
  Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic.

• Quality Time
  Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

• Gifts
  It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

• Acts of Service
  Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

• Physical Touch Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need. (Or a hug!)
  

Now, my primary love language is Quality Time. If a friend won't spend time with me, I have a difficult time believing that they truly value the relationship and love me. But followed closely behind is Words of Affirmation. I treasure words like this, and trust me, I will never forget them! They make a HUGE impact in my life. Even an "I am proud of you" statement will make my day.

So, I leave this with a question: What is your love language (if I don't already know)? Take a minute to tell me, so that I may express to you, in your language, just how much I love and value you.

"The Hug"

We call it "The Hug." What that refers to is a hug that is so good that one would be lost for words to tell of it. It's a hug that evokes emotions that aren't usually touched, and causes one's mind to return to that moment multiple times over. It's a sense of security and mystery, and also value and belonging.

Each one of "The Hugs" will differ slightly, depending on person and situation (but you get the gist of it, right?). "The Hug" is a very desired hug - executed fantastically, and received openly.

Tonight, "The Hug" and an endearing phrase were mine to treasure. Because I often fail to process this type of occurrence quickly and thoroughly, the only thing I can think to do is write about it. I cannot utter how deeply I value this, but I can attempt to tell of why it means so much to me.

God is such a wonderful God. He created this. "The Hug" is only a reflection of the Author. I can only imagine what it will be like to find myself in the arms of my Lord and savior! I am secure. I belong in His arms. I am valued, worth His life. I have the mystery of His heart to unravel. I cannot think of anything better. Tonight I got to taste of it. Hug me again, until I am held by my God!

A Dream Deferred (Langston Hughes)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Jehovah-Jireh

I arrived home to find myself lonely. I could talk to my sisters, mother, or girl friends as much as I desired, but that was not what my heart longed for that night. I wanted the company of three specific males.

I went to talk to God in the desire to quench my loneliness as I have learned to do. I told Him about what I was feeling, how I wanted to be around these three guys. His response was what surprised me. After I poured out my heart to the Lord, He asked me "Why?"
"I don't know, Lord."
"Ask Me then. Ask me why you want to be with them."
"Lord, why do I so desire the company of these three guys."
"Each guy represents a relationship with guys that I designed you to have. The first man represents your father relationship. The second represents your brother relationship. The third represents the husband you desire, and your marriage. Each of these relationships I have designed you to need and desire."
"Okay, so what now?"
"Trust Me. Seek Me."

I can't say that I was completely satisfied. I was still lonely. However, I was reminded of God's faithfulness. He will provide what I need. I have already seen those relationships strengthen since this night. I know that as long as I remain in the will of God, He is sufficient to provide.

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:19

How does prayer change an unchangeable God?

Welcome to my life.

The other day I was considering all of the thoughts that I entertain, and wish to tell of, but can find no opportunity to tell. So, here it is your choice. If you wish to know the thoughts that consume - and at times plague me - this is the place to be.

Lately I have been contemplating the power of prayer. How does prayer change an unchangeable God? If God already knows that His mind will be changed, does prayer really change anything at all? Prayer would then be in vain, would it not? But, we know that God does hear our prayers, and prayer does provoke change. Our prayers are heard, and the unchangeable God, who knows the past, present, and future, listens and responds.

It is not an uncommon belief that prayer does not change God's plan, but instead it changes the one who is praying. However, it seems quite evident in the Bible that prayer does change things. But how? This, I do not know. Thus, my thoughts are consumed by attempting to solve the mystery of how prayer works. All I know is that it does work. I will continue to read about the different views on prayer, from the Pentecostals to Predestination in hopes to find the answers, but in the end, nothing will change what my heart will bear witness to. Prayer changes things.