God's the better Author

Just Give it Time - Jon McLaughlin

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

When the world you're in is still again
And it all fades out
You've reached the end, begin again now


So, this song was God's response to my impatience. He told me to wait once, but like a typical human, I still would naturally want to follow my own ideas rather than His. I've probably learned this lesson one thousand times over, that God's plan is better than my own. It's the reason I'm at Lee, it's the reason I know what I am supposed to do now, it's the reason that I am who I am.

But I don't get excited and I don't jump to conclusions. I wait. That's how I do things... but this time, it's different. I want to write the story, but I have to remember that God is the better author. He wrote creation, and He will write the story I long to live. It will be beautiful, and it will be His, and it will be mine, and it will be ours. And while I might be able to write a story worth hearing, it would not be original, because only God has that kind of ridiculous creativity. Where mine would just be drawn from other's, His is uniquely written for me, for us.

Okay God, You write the masterpiece. Let it bring glory to Your name, and never mine. I thank you for writing me into it, and it romances me that You would make me a main character. You, the Grand Author, and I, Your creation to mold and shape and develop as the story unfolds. I am waiting, God... for that part when my story collides with another. For that "Part 3" or "Part 5" or whatever it should be called. But I will embrace the story that is currently being told, while I wait to hear what You have written for later.

The night drags on forever... waiting void your voice

Am I bitter? I don't want to have been effected so much by certain things, by these feelings of inadequacy and failure, but it's hard. It's so hard.

Last night Pastor Tom Sterbens came to Lee. I LOVED him. Probably one of the best, most sincere guys I have ever listened to, and I mean that with all sincerity. He said some pretty memorable things.

First of all, he told us that forgiveness is refusing to allow anyone but God to fill our need or validate us. It's saying that where someone else didn't show us our worth, we won't remember that or hold onto that because what they said doesn't define us. God wants to be the one to fulfill us, and by forgiving we allow Him to be the one who tells us who we are.

So I have to forgive, and believe God when He says that I am adequate, and I measure up.

Confident: to be persuaded, to be convinced, to trust.
He asked us to examine our confidences. We are all confident about something, even those things that are not right. I was confident that I wasn't worth fighting for. I was confident that those who thought they were better than me were right. But though God's redemptive purpose, He wants us to surrender what we are confident about and allow Him to define our confidence though Him. Pastor Tom told us that Paul was confident about who he was, even when God knocked him off his donkey. But God erased all that Paul was convinced of, all that he was sure of. Later on, Paul tells us about the confidence that God replaced his with:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

I want that kind of confidence to completely replace the false confidences that this life has convinced me of. I am not less than them, I and my relationship with Christ is no less valid. Paul knew that Christ's love was beyond anything in life. His trust was placed in the fact that God loved him, and Paul refused to allow anything to come between him and his confidence, his sureness, his trust in God's love.

Unsatisfied

I sometimes wonder about this dissatisfaction of this life, and how I can sit here for hours just trying to find a way to relieve the aching inside of me. As a christian, I sometimes wonder if I am not supposed to feel this way, or if I am supposed to feel satisfied in life because of Christ in me. However, what I am supposed to feel is somewhat irrelevant, since it is not what I feel.

Of course there are times when I taste of my eternal satisfaction, but it is never full, never complete. Should it be this way? I suppose great theologians and philosophers have stated that nothing in this world will ever satisfy that desire within us, because we have been actually created for something more.

I don't know the point I am trying to make, or even if I am trying to make a point at all. All I know is that all day long my heart has longed for more, my spirit has groaned to know that fullness of the life I was designed for. And when I thought I had finally resigned to settle for less, the groaning just grew louder, and I am sure that I can not.

(Not that this is of the eternal sense, but it has been a part of my aching.) I suppose I would say then that I would rather die alone than ever choose to settle for someone less than what I adore. I feel like a fool for it at times, but I still hold that since it isn't perfection that I want - but instead it is the adoration and complete abandon for God that I have seen in some - they can go ahead and call me foolish, for it is what I must have.

And my heart aches, for it knows what it was created for, and that I may surrender to choose to die without ever having it (if less is the only option).

You want me to do nothing?

Trust.

I have the hardest time with that sometimes. I don't know how to "let go and let God." When I'm as sure about something as I am about this now, it goes against everything inside me to do nothing.

But in all actuality, it's not nothing. Trust is active.

“Waiting is not resignation; waiting is an active trust in God to provide fulfillment in His perfect timing, according to the His ultimate purpose of glorifying His Son."

So, I have to wait. That is the something I have been instructed to do.

But I don't want to do that. I want to make things happen! I want to see things work the way I envision them now! But then.. where is the trust? Do I really believe that God wants to work things out for the glory of His Son? I suppose I do... but why does it depend on me waiting?

But it makes perfect sense. If I step back, releasing my human ambition, and allow God to work, then when the His best comes to be, I will have only to praise Him. My job is to wait, which probably takes more effort than doing. My call is to stop my striving and trust my Father. Will I do it? I will give myself no other choice.

People

I love people. They are so intriguing..

I can't stop watching them.

I see them, and I see beyond the faces and the costumes. There is a uniqueness to people, but a consistency to the way we function. And I see them mess up, and I look for why. I can't hold it against them. I love people. You are all so fascinating.

And when I see you all... the way you think, the mistakes you make and the victories you experience, I feel inadequate. You all are so much more than I could ever hope to be... and would it insult you to know that someone so... unlike you in so many ways, wanted to be your friend? Would you give me that chance? I hope you would.

And so it goes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll say something more... normal? =)

Sometimes God teaches me in funny ways

So I'm not really sure why, but lately God has been changing my plans in instantaneous fashion. How did I end up at Lee? Well, I was adamant about going all senior year, and then I went to help Nicole move out. I wasn't going, I told everyone that day. That night, things were different.

"I think I'm going to Lee..." was what I had to say. "Okay, but I am only staying at Lee for one year. That's final."

Second day at Lee, Jarred says I have to find a way to stay all four years.

"Oh Lord, I'm staying, aren't I? Things will work somehow.. I could get my masters in engineering after I major in math... It is possible. It can work..."

Third day there, Holly asks if Engineering was what I really felt called to do. I don't know anymore... I thought so..

"God, I'm not going to be an engineer, am I? Then what have You made me to do?"

I prayed. I think He answered. Most people think it's right, what I believe He said. I hope so.


One night to get me to Lee, one to keep me there, and two to show me what I am supposed to do.

Four nights, simple as that. God has things all under control, and I am His.

The time has come

So I'm at Lee. I am in college. It's 100% official too.

I have met SO many people in the past day and a half. I can't even believe it has been that short of a time with all the things that I have done. Most everyone has been so incredibly cool -it's so great to meet this many devoted, sincere college-age Christians all together in one place!

There is so much potential for this year. I love my dorm's RC - she's the sweetest. And I love having Holly back too. Everything summed up, this is looking to be wonderful.

As I leave behind this lonely year...

This is part of an old journal entry. It sums up the most of this past year for me... I thought it important to look back at what I am coming out of, in order to face what comes next.

"The haunting of nothing plagues me. I have felt nothing - the numbness that invades. It was a time when I felt hopeless, but I had to carry on for the sake of those around me. There were still those that mattered... that the nothingness hadn't taken away yet, and for them I kept moving. Although my future seemed bleak, I wanted more for them. So I moved on, day after day, week after week, month after month... not expecting anything out of life... just living, lifeless. Maybe it wasn't even sadness... it was..... nothing.

And in the middle of this, I found something that I cared about. Most people probably wouldn't understand why I found such hope in this... person. He was the epitomy of everything that I wasn't able to become. He was real, but hopeful. His music spoke of the loneliness that I felt night after night, but made me believe that "this too shall pass." Don't misunderstand, I know that this is just a man... however, his art lead me back to true hope (found in my Love), and out of the nothingness."

I had forgotten how some things came to be, but journaling has proven its worth. I will carry this year with me forever, no doubt. It was bleak at times, and I never felt more alone... but I never learned so much in one year either. I grew up more than I thought I could... and I'm sure it will be helpful in the coming years to know that I can face loneliness because I have the Lord with me.. and I know that when everyone else moves on, He will remain

The vicious cycle

I can't stop
I'm sabotaging myself!
And the worst part?

It's not even fantasy.

Every time is as real as the first. It takes weeks to recover, and the heartache is numbing... but I can't stop it, can't help it.

Perhaps I will eventually be able to resist this - to protect my heart. But that is the least of what I desire. I would rather feel this dull of longing than feel nothing at all.

As long as there is the slightest hope, I will be there, hoping, waiting, aching.

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me

"Oh IJ, your voice is so sexy"

I thought about giving an ultimatum to catch your attention... but decided against it.

If I could but express the thoughts that go through this witless brain inside my head, I don't know if I would be more respected or more mocked. Possibly and probably both, but does it even matter?

Hadassah is definitely heroic. I wish I was more like her.

I don't understand why it is so hard for people to imagine them self in someone else's shoes, and to be not so quick to judge. Try to understand, people. I'm not talking about myself.

I have a mind set on one thing, and I cannot give up until it is either removed as an option, or I have it, with preference on the latter.

Tell me honestly

Have you ever looked back at your life and said "I wouldn't do it again?" It's a rotten feeling, trust me. I can't believe how wrong I've been about the whole thing. People don't change because of me. That never worked... how did I become so delusional?

Did God ever look at someone and say "You've hurt me too much friend. You have put nearly everything in life before me, and I'm worth more than that. You are a bad friend, so I'm going to find new ones. I'm sick of this game we play... you want me, you even need me, but you never make time for me or give me what I want from you. So we're finished. I'm out."

In case you were wondering, no, He didn't, and He won't. EVER. And so, because I am His, I feel the same way about my friends. Not only won't I leave you even if you treat me like crap, I can't. I will always love you too much to give up, no matter what. Each and every one of you is worth my life, because you were/are worth Jesus' life, and I simply can't forget that. If God Almighty would die for you, why would I EVER choose not to do the same?

But I am a fool. What I just said is honestly how I feel, but I didn't put it there. I didn't wake up one morning and say "Hey, I think I'll continue to love my friends, even if they might not all know what it really means to love." It was the God that died for you that taught me and molded my heart to see you the way that He does. And I thought I understood. What I foolish thing to do. I thought I was learning how to love, but I missed it. I missed the whole point.

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -Matthew 22:36-40

So, I forgot the greatest commandment. I can stay so busy trying to love all of you, but I could never make it work because I forgot to Love God first and foremost. Such a childish and foolish mistake. I'm sorry my Love, I'm sorry my friends.

I would love to say that I will never try to do it again without God, but I can't promise that... I mess up too often. "How do you love someone?" I know how. Just follow Jesus' example. It's quite easy, and it only costs a life. How do you love God? That I don't know yet. I would assume that it is similar to loving your friends, but then something inside me tells me that it's oh so much more.

Yeah we're all amateurs
And heaven knows we're not perfect
We try to get it right
We keep messing up but we're learning
When the day is done
Whoa I want to know
How do you love someone?
How do you really love someone?

It's sad actually... that I could pride myself on being able to love, only to find that I might say yes even though it could pain another. How do you love someone? Probably not like this...

The possibilities are endless

Did it ever make sense to you-
Writing without words,
Speaking without sound?

When I think that I have found the answer,
Questions pop up in my mind.
If you took the time to listen,
You might like what you might find.

A kiss on the head to steal away,
Assumptions and doubts of what could be.
This is here and this is now,
An unfamiliar peace to me.

Read the book or watch the movie,
Unfortunate reality must contend.
The predictable stories and perfect endings,
Hypnotize us and we pretend.

Now I see that is it not
This fantasy that I desire.
Actuality has its ups and downs
But in this, life, and sometimes fire.

I have a problem.

And about this problem... I have no idea what to do.

So, apparently I care too much about my friends that even if they rip my heart out, I still won't consider them unworthy of my time, friendship, and love. The problem? I don't have many who are real friends towards me. But I can't just let them go... I love to be with each one of them

So then, what can I do? I can't stop caring... it's just who I am! Honestly, I don't think that they realize what they do... so I can't blame them. I can only hope that soon I will find someone like me...

Similar....

The Similarities are amazing... wouldn't you agree? Haha, no I just think that they could easily be brothers or something.

Life as it Were

So, decidedly, I am out.

There is only one thing that I doubt, and it is this. Does it seem commonplace that every one of them is so well liked? Or, is it true that I have nothing better than a means of connecting people to those who would actually make good friends? I don't know exactly what I mean to say... of course I have friends. Nicole would never take anyone over me, and I feel the same way about her. However, this is certainly not the case for 99.9% of the other people in my life. "Wow, we get along!" (go figure) "Let's hang out aaaaaallllll of the time. Forget this."

JOY!

((yes, that was sarcasm))


ANYWAY, I am lame. I can't stand myself 89% of the time, and this is not in the 11% right now. I wish people would forget me sometimes, so then I could start over completely. I wouldn't do it again. Backfire... GT, CD, CJ, .... And I hope she doesn't feel this way about me. I wouldn't ever...

Sooooo

Here's my newest project.

for the love of Dave Barnes

Ready? Breathe.

I got my CF card today. I can relax... but talk about impatience! Now I'm "working" at a job where all I really do is answer phones... and surf the internet. But check it out, I'm getting paid.

PS. I think I figured out the best plan. YEP (dcw)

Impatient

I want my CF card. Now.

I have my new camera, but can't take pictures! BOO!

Matt Wertz

So, my graduation gift from my mom and her boyfriend was this. Matt Wertz can and played for me =). It was a great night. I still adore all things MW

Black hole in a broken heart, took your innocence and left a scar

Black hole in a broken heart, took your innocence and left a scar, originally uploaded by Daniellee.

I was looking over my flickr, and I thought that this photo deserved more attention. haha, typical of me, right?

ANYWAY, I got a digital rebel today. Yay me! haha, I wish I was a better photographer =)

Ratio of One to the World

"Would you care for coffee sir?
I can't help but notice your weary head."
"What's wrong with sleep" I answered her,
"I think I'll have some milk instead."

Perhaps

I wonder if it would be more appealing to say less - to not explain myself. How would it be if I just said whatever the heck I wanted and didn't give it a second thought?

I think I'll try it. The people that I try so hard to please with my unending explanations could actually take it upon themselves to hear what I mean. I don't owe the entire world an explanation, do I?

just thoughts. I'll decide later.

Today was so good!

I got the greatest news today! I'm so excited!

This feels like a dream.... but I'll take it if it is!!

Ever After You

easy come and easy go
has never been the case
dreams of you are hard to erase.

call me crazy
call me mad
call me what you will
but im sane enough
to know that i love you still

they say that life goes on
but ive been dead since you've been gone
i think they were wrong
so who's the fool

i am ever after you
always ever after you
just tell me what i have to do
is there a way
to be happy ever after you?

there is no psychology
and no amount of prayers
that can cure the pain when you're not there

cause this is not supposed to be
how our love should look
after you have closed the story book.

they say that life goes on
but ive been dead since you've been gone
i think they were wrong
so whats the use

i am ever after you
always ever after you
just tell me what I have to do
is there a way
to be happy ever after you?


From someone who doesn't want to feel replaceable.

Kinda not loving life

I don't see my friends too often anymore. I don't know that it matters. I usually choose to spend time with my mom instead, but I guess it doesn't make much difference. My friends are fine, and my mom is still sad. I just can't put up an act anymore. But I do miss some of you very much. I want to be my old self, but I can't bring myself to go back.

I miss you. I want to sit beside you and hug you. I don't have anything important to say, I just miss you being in my life. Thank you for not getting up and walking away from me... I hope I can sit next to you again soon.

Slipping, Falling, 10,000 Children

So, I slipped on the stairs today. My leg hurts quite a bit, but I suppose it's manageable. I have a nice black/blue/purple color on various parts of my body though. Teach me to wear socks in the house! It's a highly dangerous area. Could have been worse I guess, eh?

Anyway, good news and... just... news. News: Matt Wertz is engaged? Congratulations you. (I'm slightly bummed by this, for purely illogical reasons, though no less real). The good news? Dave Barnes' new CD came out today. So here I pay tribute to my first favorite song off it:

10,000 children and all I can do is just talk
While my house is full of possessions that make ... (I couldn't pick up the rest of this line)

Everyone tells me that I'm not to blame
Why do I still feel the same?

Only love can save us all
Only love can save us all
Save us all

10,000 children are my invitation to change
To continue in excess now suddenly feels oh so strange

Prayers and money should not be confused
But I pray that both still are used

Only love can save us all
Only love can save us all

What will become of me?
Inside that history

10,000 children and all I can do is just talk

Stevens

1. Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois
   
2. The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, 'I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are Off Our Lands!'
   
3. Come On! Feel the Illinoise!
   
   1. The World's Columbian Exposition
   2. Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream
4. John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
   
5. Jacksonville
   
6. A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, but for Very Good Reasons
   
7. Decatur, or, Round of Applause for Your Step Mother!
   
8. One Last 'Whoo-Hoo!' for the Pullman
   
9. Chicago
   
10. Casimir Pulaski Day
11. To the Workers of the Rock River Valley Region, I Have an Idea Concerning Your Predicament [and it involves tube socks, a paper airplane, and twenty-two able-bodied men.]
12. The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts
13. Prairie Fire That Wanders About
14. A Conjunction of Drones Simulating the Way in Which Sufjan Stevens Has an Existential Crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze
15. The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!
16. They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!
17. Let's Hear That String Part Again, Because I Don't Think They Heard It All the Way Out in Bushnell
18. In This Temple as in the Hearts of Man for Whom He Saved the Earth
    
19. The Seer's Tower
20. The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders
    1. The Great Frontier
    2. Come to Me Only with Playthings Now
21. Riffs and Variations on a Single Note for Jelly Roll, Earl Hines, Louis Armstrong, Baby Dodds, and the King of Swing, to Name a Few
22. Out of Egypt, into the Great Laugh of Mankind, and I Shake the Dirt from My Sandals as I Run

Beautiful

I feel okay today

maybe it's the weather.

Half out

I'm not sure what's wrong with me... maybe I just need some time off.

I can't even claim that I want out anymore... I feel perfectly ready to accept a trap. Haha, thanks

Somewhere, far away from here
I saw stars, stars that I could reach (yeah)
It was a midnight, a silent twilight
Fell down, beyond the ocean beach (yeah)

(I'm not sure what the point of that was...)

We had the day off today

I've never been more relieved! I can't even express.... it's good.

Music to my feelings....

So basically, this is my life at the moment....

There is something I want to say
But my words they just get in the way
There's a passion deep within my soul
That cries out for more

There's a battle that I don't want to fight
Keeps me awake all through the night
Between who I am and who I should be
My mind could change the war

I am crying out for something to go down
'Cause this confusion I feel is throwing me around

Is there somewhere I can go,
Somethere I can run,
Somewhere I can go to escape my mind?
Is there somewhere I can go,
Somewhere I can run,
Somewhere I can go?

I start my day I'm late again
Racing the clock will it ever end?
We can't keep up we're falling behind
There's never any time

As one task ends two more begin
They're piling up and closing us in
To live like we're free just once in a while
Is that such a crime?

And we're crying out for something to go down
'Cause this confusion we feel is throwing us around

Is there somewhere we can go,
Somewhere we can run,
Somewhere we can go to escape in time?
Is there somewhere we can go,
Somewhere we can run,
Somwhere we can go to escape this life?

Somewhere we can go

---(thanks Nathan Angelo for writing my thoughts. You and Matt should team up so I can stop thinking altogether =)

Geez.

I feel perpetually worn... this is unhealthy.
I can't continue when I can't keep my eyes open.

Where's my book? I think I left it outside. Crap... it's too cold to go out there now.

Shrug

It wearing on me. I didn't realize how much of this weight I carried until this weekend. I had no idea how much it affected me.

For years I have prayed for her, and tried to set a good example, but it only seems like she's been getting farther and farther from the truth. It's disheartening, because I love her so much. I can get so angry with her sometimes for her attitude - the selfishness and pride she shows. But in my anger, is sadness and pain. It hurts to know that this is a heart issue, and nothing I can do can change her heart. I am so sad to think that I can't fix it for her.

It's frustrating, because I know that she is wrong, but she doesn't care. And then I feel bad, because I've tried to set an example that I wouldn't mind being followed by my younger sisters.... but then when she doesn't, I can't be angry. I can't assume that I've done everything right, and I know that I am no better than she is. However, I cannot deny that I don't want her to have her every desire granted (when she couldn't care less about the needs or wants of anyone else). But I am no more deserving of good things than she is.

I love her so much. I would give my life for her in a moment, but I can't save her heart from this!

And it eats away at me unceasingly.

And this, this is how I feel

Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
Getting out of bed never felt so difficult before
-----------
She said I’m so sick of this stumble, stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m tired of the mumble, mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who found me here, found me here
-----------
Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down and
All that she knew or thought she knew flew out the door
Things she loves so easily forgotten

Sometimes

There are times when I wish my life was like a movie. That way, all my problems would be resolved in an hour and a half, and even if my story was a tragedy, people would be able to understand me and sympathize with my character. Best of all, it wouldn't be too long before it was over.

But this is not so. I'm stuck with an unpredictable, annoying life for the long run.

Now

I am so very tired. Tired of life. I feel it all too much, and I don't know what to do. I am only 17, yet I feel like I have the demands of a 30 year old.

But I know that God will never leave me. Matt Wertz reminded me of that tonight, to my surprise.

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

So, on a different note

I don't have anything negative to say. Odd, considering it's coming from me =)

These past few weeks have sort of been a whirlwind of emotion. I have had my perspective totally warped, but I suppose in a good way?

I met some new friends, who are very much the kind of people I have searched for these past few years. They are kind and loving, and don't seem to mind that I like to attach myself to them in a matter of weeks. Haha, just kidding... kinda.

My explanation? I like certain people too much. It happens every so often, I'll meet someone, and want to be friends... but they don't want or need me to be their friend. However - I believe for the very first time ever - these people at least act like they enjoy me too. They don't find me to be a nuisance, even when I honestly believe that most others would.

I could easily compare them to my extended family - and that's NOT a thought I often have. I adore my relatives... the families. Always warm and welcoming, and not too stressed about the presence of another. My family, we really enjoy one another. I can talk to each person, and feel the acceptance and the love they have for me. I can really be myself, no sarcasm, over-intellectualism, or emphasis placed on any one aspect of my personality. I can be who I really am, and feel absolutely NO need to hide anything. And although they see everything, I am still loved. Responsibility is shared joyfully... we don't worry about having 40 people in our smallish house. Everyone is considerate, and can entertain themselves. Discussions are open, and love is very apparent.

In these people, although I barely know them, I have sensed some of the same qualities. I don't necessarily have concrete evidence, but I am often right about people.... haha. I don't mean that to sound prideful.

Plus, as if that wouldn't be enough to make me love them, one must be an exhorter. For me, there are two things that make me feel love in relationships: Words of affirmation and quality time. I don't think that either one carries any more weight, but I feel like I usually go without the first in the majority of my relationships (not all). So this, this makes me LOVE my new friends.

Well I think that sums it up. It always strikes me how much my friendships can influence my day, weeks, months, years... They are inspiring, and I adore them being so. And although I know that peoples' opinions don't define my worth, I cannot deny that I feel I am of more worth when I have people I love and am loved by surrounding me.

Praise God for His goodness!

Again, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

I don't understand

I can't understand this... it's disheartening

I don't get why I usually like people more than they like me.
What am I doing wrong?

Suspension

Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but say what you mean
'cause I'm caught in suspension

Now,
I'm wanting this for sure
And I'll beg for nothing more
I'll plan all day and drive all night
You'll love what's in store
I can't seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
'cause I'm caught in suspension

It's enough for me to get excited
It's enough for me to feel...woooooah ooooh oh oh oh

Say anything, but say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same

We are gaining speed (suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, please say what you mean)
I'm caught in suspension (suspension)
I'm caught in suspension
Say (say) anything (suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, please say what you mean)
I'm caught in suspension (suspension)
I'm caught in suspension
We are gaining speed (suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can hardly breathe)
I'm caught in suspension (caught in suspension)
I'm caught in suspension

Say (say) anything (suspension)
But say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I'm caught in suspension

Entrant

Joy: captivate, radiate.
Put me on heart, my feet are light.

My crippled heart rises, and bounds to life.
I can dance!
Have you seen my smile?
Hibernation ended?!
Has this winter passed?
Did numbness fade?

Can you know, how much you overflow? ...because I do.

When it comes, so comes change. My heart and my mind reeling, under the unfathomable greatness of a Savior!


"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

This man writes my heart.

Okay, someone please tell me how a stranger can put my heart into words before I can even think it. I feel compelled to search this out, but when must I let go? He knows. Somehow, his thoughts, and his heart, felt this, and now it resonates deep within me. Rarely do I find someone so like-minded, and I want to know everything. But please, please release my thoughts, so that I may function normally again. This isn't normal. This is irrational. --so, what's next? I've tried to let go... but unless I stop listening, or hearing, I fear that I will never fully do so.

Somedays the rain comes pouring and the color fades
The music once so loud slips away
And I'm left standing all alone

It's already getting better (You will never leave me)

Rain came pouring, and hasn't stopped. The color faded from my life, and sometimes I feel trapped by lifelessness. The musics, the singing, the voices, slipped away, long ago, and I haven't hear them since. And I'm left standing all alone.

So, what now? Trust. It will be better. You will never leave me. There is loneliness, but there is a promise that You are with me. When my world shatters, You stay perfectly held together. When my heart shattered, You began putting it back together.

In my hands I hold tears, doubt, pain, and desire. In Your hands, You hold perfect love.
Tears stand no change, unless they be tears of joy. Doubt of perfect love can only hold ground for a time, but is ultimately no match. Hurts will heal, with a washing of the pain. Desire will cease, as perfect love knows the perfect fulfillment.

It's already getting better

External Fix-it Remedies

These weeds keep poppin up
I thought I’d killed them all last week
Cause I dowsed them with this poison
Whose label read extra strength
But sure enough they’re still there
Just as sure as they’d been before
Strangling all the flowers
I'd created this garden for

But I've tried all the external fix-it remedies
And I've exhausted every ounce of my own strength
But until I dig down deep enough to find the root
All I'm doin is, all I'm doin is yankin out the leaves

You say your sin keeps poppin up
You thought you’d killed it all last week
Because you told yourself you'd stop it all
And you prayed that you'd be released
But sure enough it's still there
Just as sure as it’d been before
Distracting you from righteousness
And rotting out your solid core

Cause you've tried all the external fix-it remedies
And you've exhausted every ounce of your own strength
But until you dig down deep enough to find the root
All you're doin is, all you're doin is yankin out the leaves

My garden was once my favorite part about this town
Its beauty overshadowed all others in this place
You see, I hired a man to care for it and keep it that way
He was the best gardener around

But soon my old pride got to thinkin'
About doin' this job on my own
I fired the man that perfectly kept it
And that’s when the weeds started a grow’n

Cause I've tried all the external fix-it remedies
And I've exhausted every ounce of my own strength
But until I dig down deep enough to find the root
All I'm doin is, yankin out the leaves