Silence's Secret

The night drags on forever
Waiting void your voice
But day comes again- too swiftly to pass
Once again we flourish

Unrealized dreams plague the past
And frozen time finds you and I,
If the silence could share secrets.

I'd tell that I denied my core
Though I knew it all, authentic.

In its confidence told the key--
Unremitting rain falls on the open lie
To conceal your heart, is to allow the gray to settle.
Winter will break when warmth surges upon it
Vulnerable to cold, harsh winds --yet all to certain to overcome.

And I would learn

Muddied has been the start - not at all transparent
But voice has begun to melt the ice
Unmistakable... but accepted?

And I know that I will never understand the reason--
Why the sun shines brightest when I see your face
And know that I will never take for granted
This time, this truth, this caring.

Lonely

So it just hit me. The tears won't seem to stop. My sister is away. She has gone to college, and is no longer the my best friend living across the hall. It hurts. It is a loss, and I can't believe this time has come. Our lives have been spent almost completely together, and it sucks to be split, even if the reason is ultimately good. But I can't even express how much I'm going to miss her! Senior year means nothing without my sister and great friend. I love her. I cannot believe now how many times we fought over nothing. Right now I just want to hug her. I will see her tomorrow, but for the sake of this year I cry.

And just to make matters worse, none of my friends can understand. They all say "I'm happy for her," but they can't see how much this will hurt. I'm sure she'll miss here too, but I know she will love college and it will be a good experience. I am glad for her. It will be good... but I want her here...

Boston

So it might not mean much to any of you, but I use songs that depict my emotions very often. I frequently fail to express myself verbally when it comes to how I feel... but then I find that song that resonates inside of me, and bears witness to my heart. This is not exactly my words, but it is somewhat how I feel. I don't want to physically leave where I am, but it is more a mindset that I want to leave. I want my thoughts to be less than programmed, and instead be real. I am leaving the California of ignorance and deception, and entering Boston. I don't know what I will find there, but it will be refreshing to be free again.

Boston - Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

Where I Stand: The Beat that Resonates

Have you ever heard a band begin to play a song with the beat of the drums so powerful and perfect that a thrill rises in you beyond anything you could imagine? Or that beat that races from the tips of your fingers to the innermost parts of your being? This feeling, this sound, is one of the most amazing things that I have ever experienced. The reason for this admiration is because it brings a wonderful feeling of strength to its audience, it brings memories of past times filled with close friends and family, and it allows me to believe that the future holds greater things than I could ever comprehend.

That deep beat, that powerful cry of the drums is brought by the drummer with such an authority that the audience is compelled to empathize with the percussionist. Strengthened by the sound, a revelation dawns on the hearers. This is a war cry. Now – having become an army – the people can feel their passion grow as they begin to sing the lyrics. In this way a band gives ownership of that song to the people. United by what they have just heard, they are strengthened, together.

Time and time again I have listened to this exclamation among my closest comrades, and will forever cherish these memories. Like I explained earlier, we become closer and strengthened together. Our hearts bind together, and we can live in one accord. An invaluable treasure that I have had the joy of experiencing is this unity. Innumerous times together have begun with this very resounding cry. These memories I would never trade for anything that the world could offer me – nothing yesterday, nothing today, and nothing tomorrow could ever be worth what we have created together.

This simple beat of the drum that ushers in a glorious song gives me hope for the future that draws me with each passing moment. Astoundingly, the resonating sound of the drum somehow foreshadows the proclamation that the coming song will make. It gives us a picture – a hope – for the song’s strength and wonder. This depicts life. Just as the drums give us hope for the song, they give me hope for the future – my future. Thus I adore this sound. When I have lost all belief that the future is good, this musical expectancy that reminds me that what happens now is only a foreshadowing of what the future holds.

Thus being said, it is obvious that the precession of the bold and strong drums is more than just an admirable sound to my ears. It is a strengthening tool to build up an audience, it is an instrument to recall valued memories, and it is a hope for the future of my life. I will forever apprize this sound. Resonating always within my heart and mind, the beat and authority of a drummer, and the joy that their drums bring will always allure me.

A Tough Choice

I felt condemnation because I felt like I didn't measure up. I was pursuing who I thought I ought to be more than I was pursuing the Lord. But I couldn't be perfect. You know how people say that we shouldn't allow the world to tell us who we should be (as women specifically)? Well I wasn't listening to the world, but another voice was telling me who I should be, and I couldn't measure up.

I couldn't say how I honestly felt, because I had to say the "right" thing. I was told that I couldn't be angry, and I was. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, because I thought that I was doing something wrong. But God gave us all of our emotions, and isn't surprised or offended when we feel them.

I felt like I was being pushed into a mold that I didn't fit into. I saw the "model" people, but knew no matter how "right" they were presented to be, I couldn't be them. God may have other plans for my life! We see just how very different even the snow flakes are, so how could I possibly fit into the exact model of someone else? I couldn't.


So now, I have a choice. I am stuck, because I know that whatever I chose, it will be hard. I will feel lonely again, and chances are I will let someone down. And I cannot leave my heart out of it - now matter how much I may want to.

However, I now can make my choice in light of God's will for me. He has a glorious plan, and will never leave me or abandon me. I desire to return to the simplicity of my First Love. I do not know Him as a father, but I hope that He will reveal that to me. I barely know Him as a friend, or as a lover, or a teacher. In fact, I barely know who He is at all! I need to take some time to focus on getting to know who HE is. That is my desire. I don't care if I am doing or feeling what someone else tells me I should do, say, or feel, because I know that God is going to reveal Himself to me, and in that I will grow.

But I also don't want to leave a place broken. I have felt the pain from there, but the mistakes should not define my season there. I know I have learned and grown a lot in this place. But sometimes God leads us to new places we never expected...

Loving You

There was a time when there was nothing I could do
So incomplete and yet complete inside of You
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

With such a beauty now my mind cannot erase
A simple look and I can only run Your way
Because I was made for loving You
Yes I was made for loving

And when I danced with You I finally found my place
It's so extraordinary in a normal way
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

There is no part of me Your eyes will escape
Through the night until the shadows drift away
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

In just one moment I have found my way
It's so extraordinary in a normal way
Because I was made for loving You
Yes I was made for loving
I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

I Know A Man

I know someone who is completely wonderful. I have just recently (within the past year) begun to see how great he truly is! He is very much a guy, and loves playing soccer and running, among other things, yet he esteems good literature and old-fashioned values as a girl would (think Mr. Darcy). He is honest and gentle, yet not timid about his beliefs. He is not overbearing, but a help and a leader. Not forceful, but caring. He is good-humored, but absolutely not mocking of others. And he is not a fool, nor would he act as one for any joke. And he is wise, beyond his years.

He has been raised to know what is good and noble. He has been raised to be a God-fearing man - and that he is becoming. He seeks wisdom, and is what most would call a gentleman. Any woman would be lucky to have him when the time comes, but I know that he would not see it that way. To him, he would most certainly be the lucky one, for any woman he would marry would have to be as incredible as he.

I am blessed to call him family. It is an honor to know him.