Carried to the Table

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

Mon Chérie

I'm sick of boxing up my hopes and dreams.

I'm also tired of modern Christianity. I don't think that it's fair that we've made it all about ourselves. The simple truth: nothing is about us anymore. I have given my life to Christ, and in Him is the only way I find myself. My purpose is not to discover the easiest life for me, and it is not to dream small dreams for a small God.

There have been many times in my life when I have wanted to give it up. I don't know how I mean to do this, because I know that I simply cannot walk away from God. It's un-do-able. So what do I do then? I stay, dreaming for everyone to know Him, and allowing Him to use me in whatever way He chooses.

My Saviour, who has given me everything, has asked only two things from me: 1) to love Him, and 2) to love others. I want to do both of those things. I want to love Him, because quite honestly, I can't see not loving Him after all He has done for me. I also want to love others as I have been loved. I know that God's love is compelling, His mercy is intoxicating, and His presence is fulfilling. I know all of these things because even though I am not the most lovable person, He took from me the reality of an empty and wasted life. He took away certain loneliness, and certain hopelessness. He took from me my greatest fears. He took my hate, my lust, and my greed onto his shoulders, and gave me righteousness instead. When all I've done deserves not only disgust, but also the brutal-est punishments of worst kind, He jumped in front of me.

And He knows that I won't understand what He did. I will never understand all of what I have been given. And He's okay with that. He doesn't even expect me to love Him first.

He loves you too. I'm not naive enough to think that you'll believe that just because I said it, but I do want you to know. I've always detested the notion of someone being less than someone else, because you know, we're all completely unworthy. The thing that makes it so perfect - the thing that humans never seem to understand - is that God doesn't abandon us. He never looks at you and says, "Well, that's just too bad. You've hurt me too much, and you're strayed too far. I'm done with you."

You're actually the pearl He seeks out. You may be hurt, confused, and angry, but you're no less loved.

I've always wanted to name my daughter Chérie. In French, this means "cherished." I can hear God naming me the same way.

frustrating dreams

I don't even know today.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. It's almost like I can't focus on anything, ever. I feel like everything I've ever wanted is right in front of my fingertips, and I just can't reach out and grab it. It perpetually swings, swings, swings in front of me, and I will never hold it in my grasp.

And then, some days I ask myself, does it even matter? Does it matter if my life isn't what I hoped it would be? Does it matter, as long as I can still have my relationship with my God?

I don't know. I don't even know.

I want so much. I feel like it's sitting there before me, again. My dreams taunt me - entice me to drop what I'm holding and grab onto them. But what if I'm holding a diamond and longing for plastic? What if I'm holding plastic and too afraid to release it for the diamond? GAH! WILL I EVER KNOW?

Ojalá

Lately I've had an addiction to writing. That's really the reason I keep coming back here. Unfortunately, this addiction has not as of yet influenced my several looming (I think this is a good word) papers that want to be written. I think about 3 weeks ago, I had a passion for Middlemarch. I wanted to show the way that George Eliot saw God as a cause for failure, and the walking away from Him as a strength. So... I wrote. I got 8 pages out, and now I dread going back to it. It's not so much that I don't think I can do it, it's just the preparation that writing a literary research paper requires. I guess I'm a bit burnt out, and I don't know exactly how I am going to write about another 28-30 pages this semester. I sincerely cannot do it.

But I will. I will write all those pages. They will be decent. I will make grades that are acceptable. I will graduate with honors in a year.

Isn't it odd - odd that I can say those things with certainty? It makes me think of Tom Sterbens. He once said that like Paul, we're all confident in something. Paul was confident - assured, persuaded, etc - in his identity before he met God. After God met him, Paul's confidence changed. He said,

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

I want that to be true of me. Right now, I sometimes feel more certain of my ability to succeed than I feel in God's true and everlasting love. I hope this changes soon. The only word I can think to use here is "Ojalá" (God willing).

Just my thoughts this morning.

I am not sure what to do about something. Ugh. Pray for clarity.

So periodically I shake, but tonight was insane. I was shaking so much that when I was lying down with my knees bent and my laptop on my legs, I couldn't even keep my legs bent. Wow that's difficult to describe. Wonder what that was about...

Last note: I really want to just sit at His feet. Just, be.

Everybody has been breaking up lately. I don't like breakups. I've never wanted to date many people, so I can't imagine breaking up with someone. Even if I wanted to (and I'm not saying that I do), I doubt if I could do it.

Another cup of ice coffee. I should fear a caffeine addiction, but I don't. I think the only thing I could be addicted to is aspartame. Meh. Mind over matter

If distance is right I'd rather be wrong

I have made about 6 pitchers of ice coffee in the past week. And I've drank the majority of the coffee within those pitchers. Haha.

I am currently avoiding my homework, because well, I don't know what to write for my poem. Last night at writer's group at Bethanielle's house, we practiced stream of consciousness writing, so I thought I could use that... but I'm not really certain. Anyway, I still have quite a few things to do tonight, but nothing that alarming. I am hoping to start researching for my papers this weekend. We'll see how that goes. If I can have a draft of my 20 pager done by next Friday, I will consider that an amazing accomplishment. I feel I can do it.

Aside from that, I am just generally happy lately. Things seems to be going fairly well. I have to say, I am every day more in love with my God. He holds my world together. There's really no other way to put it. I think one of the main reasons why I love Brooke Fraser so much is because she has put into words the one thought that popped into my mind about 4 years ago, and has been true ever since:

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want

I don't really know how to explain what I feel, but some days, I just get so distracted. God is simply so wonderfully faithful and good, that I just can't help but get lost in thinking about Him. I don't ever want to do anything more than just sit at His feet. Just sit. I don't care much about dancing or singing, or laughing or witnessing miracles - I just want to be with Him. Is that too much to ask for?

Another thing: I cleaned my apartment today. Like, really cleaned it. I haven't done that in forever. Yeah!

I've also been occupying my thoughts with the future. I straddle the line between explosive excited and immensely intimidated. Oh dear, you know what I am talking about. Each and every one of you does.

I've also been feeling more confident lately. I am not exactly sure why, but I just feel capable of succeeding. It's okay.

So I leave you with this. See you sometime in the future, when my days are less packed, and I've accomplished far more.