We had the day off today

I've never been more relieved! I can't even express.... it's good.

Music to my feelings....

So basically, this is my life at the moment....

There is something I want to say
But my words they just get in the way
There's a passion deep within my soul
That cries out for more

There's a battle that I don't want to fight
Keeps me awake all through the night
Between who I am and who I should be
My mind could change the war

I am crying out for something to go down
'Cause this confusion I feel is throwing me around

Is there somewhere I can go,
Somethere I can run,
Somewhere I can go to escape my mind?
Is there somewhere I can go,
Somewhere I can run,
Somewhere I can go?

I start my day I'm late again
Racing the clock will it ever end?
We can't keep up we're falling behind
There's never any time

As one task ends two more begin
They're piling up and closing us in
To live like we're free just once in a while
Is that such a crime?

And we're crying out for something to go down
'Cause this confusion we feel is throwing us around

Is there somewhere we can go,
Somewhere we can run,
Somewhere we can go to escape in time?
Is there somewhere we can go,
Somewhere we can run,
Somwhere we can go to escape this life?

Somewhere we can go

---(thanks Nathan Angelo for writing my thoughts. You and Matt should team up so I can stop thinking altogether =)

Geez.

I feel perpetually worn... this is unhealthy.
I can't continue when I can't keep my eyes open.

Where's my book? I think I left it outside. Crap... it's too cold to go out there now.

Shrug

It wearing on me. I didn't realize how much of this weight I carried until this weekend. I had no idea how much it affected me.

For years I have prayed for her, and tried to set a good example, but it only seems like she's been getting farther and farther from the truth. It's disheartening, because I love her so much. I can get so angry with her sometimes for her attitude - the selfishness and pride she shows. But in my anger, is sadness and pain. It hurts to know that this is a heart issue, and nothing I can do can change her heart. I am so sad to think that I can't fix it for her.

It's frustrating, because I know that she is wrong, but she doesn't care. And then I feel bad, because I've tried to set an example that I wouldn't mind being followed by my younger sisters.... but then when she doesn't, I can't be angry. I can't assume that I've done everything right, and I know that I am no better than she is. However, I cannot deny that I don't want her to have her every desire granted (when she couldn't care less about the needs or wants of anyone else). But I am no more deserving of good things than she is.

I love her so much. I would give my life for her in a moment, but I can't save her heart from this!

And it eats away at me unceasingly.

And this, this is how I feel

Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
Getting out of bed never felt so difficult before
-----------
She said I’m so sick of this stumble, stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m tired of the mumble, mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who found me here, found me here
-----------
Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down and
All that she knew or thought she knew flew out the door
Things she loves so easily forgotten

Sometimes

There are times when I wish my life was like a movie. That way, all my problems would be resolved in an hour and a half, and even if my story was a tragedy, people would be able to understand me and sympathize with my character. Best of all, it wouldn't be too long before it was over.

But this is not so. I'm stuck with an unpredictable, annoying life for the long run.

Now

I am so very tired. Tired of life. I feel it all too much, and I don't know what to do. I am only 17, yet I feel like I have the demands of a 30 year old.

But I know that God will never leave me. Matt Wertz reminded me of that tonight, to my surprise.

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone