Tell me honestly

Have you ever looked back at your life and said "I wouldn't do it again?" It's a rotten feeling, trust me. I can't believe how wrong I've been about the whole thing. People don't change because of me. That never worked... how did I become so delusional?

Did God ever look at someone and say "You've hurt me too much friend. You have put nearly everything in life before me, and I'm worth more than that. You are a bad friend, so I'm going to find new ones. I'm sick of this game we play... you want me, you even need me, but you never make time for me or give me what I want from you. So we're finished. I'm out."

In case you were wondering, no, He didn't, and He won't. EVER. And so, because I am His, I feel the same way about my friends. Not only won't I leave you even if you treat me like crap, I can't. I will always love you too much to give up, no matter what. Each and every one of you is worth my life, because you were/are worth Jesus' life, and I simply can't forget that. If God Almighty would die for you, why would I EVER choose not to do the same?

But I am a fool. What I just said is honestly how I feel, but I didn't put it there. I didn't wake up one morning and say "Hey, I think I'll continue to love my friends, even if they might not all know what it really means to love." It was the God that died for you that taught me and molded my heart to see you the way that He does. And I thought I understood. What I foolish thing to do. I thought I was learning how to love, but I missed it. I missed the whole point.

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -Matthew 22:36-40

So, I forgot the greatest commandment. I can stay so busy trying to love all of you, but I could never make it work because I forgot to Love God first and foremost. Such a childish and foolish mistake. I'm sorry my Love, I'm sorry my friends.

I would love to say that I will never try to do it again without God, but I can't promise that... I mess up too often. "How do you love someone?" I know how. Just follow Jesus' example. It's quite easy, and it only costs a life. How do you love God? That I don't know yet. I would assume that it is similar to loving your friends, but then something inside me tells me that it's oh so much more.

Yeah we're all amateurs
And heaven knows we're not perfect
We try to get it right
We keep messing up but we're learning
When the day is done
Whoa I want to know
How do you love someone?
How do you really love someone?

It's sad actually... that I could pride myself on being able to love, only to find that I might say yes even though it could pain another. How do you love someone? Probably not like this...

The possibilities are endless

Did it ever make sense to you-
Writing without words,
Speaking without sound?

When I think that I have found the answer,
Questions pop up in my mind.
If you took the time to listen,
You might like what you might find.

A kiss on the head to steal away,
Assumptions and doubts of what could be.
This is here and this is now,
An unfamiliar peace to me.

Read the book or watch the movie,
Unfortunate reality must contend.
The predictable stories and perfect endings,
Hypnotize us and we pretend.

Now I see that is it not
This fantasy that I desire.
Actuality has its ups and downs
But in this, life, and sometimes fire.

I have a problem.

And about this problem... I have no idea what to do.

So, apparently I care too much about my friends that even if they rip my heart out, I still won't consider them unworthy of my time, friendship, and love. The problem? I don't have many who are real friends towards me. But I can't just let them go... I love to be with each one of them

So then, what can I do? I can't stop caring... it's just who I am! Honestly, I don't think that they realize what they do... so I can't blame them. I can only hope that soon I will find someone like me...

Similar....

The Similarities are amazing... wouldn't you agree? Haha, no I just think that they could easily be brothers or something.

Life as it Were

So, decidedly, I am out.

There is only one thing that I doubt, and it is this. Does it seem commonplace that every one of them is so well liked? Or, is it true that I have nothing better than a means of connecting people to those who would actually make good friends? I don't know exactly what I mean to say... of course I have friends. Nicole would never take anyone over me, and I feel the same way about her. However, this is certainly not the case for 99.9% of the other people in my life. "Wow, we get along!" (go figure) "Let's hang out aaaaaallllll of the time. Forget this."

JOY!

((yes, that was sarcasm))


ANYWAY, I am lame. I can't stand myself 89% of the time, and this is not in the 11% right now. I wish people would forget me sometimes, so then I could start over completely. I wouldn't do it again. Backfire... GT, CD, CJ, .... And I hope she doesn't feel this way about me. I wouldn't ever...

Sooooo

Here's my newest project.

for the love of Dave Barnes