Sometimes God teaches me in funny ways

So I'm not really sure why, but lately God has been changing my plans in instantaneous fashion. How did I end up at Lee? Well, I was adamant about going all senior year, and then I went to help Nicole move out. I wasn't going, I told everyone that day. That night, things were different.

"I think I'm going to Lee..." was what I had to say. "Okay, but I am only staying at Lee for one year. That's final."

Second day at Lee, Jarred says I have to find a way to stay all four years.

"Oh Lord, I'm staying, aren't I? Things will work somehow.. I could get my masters in engineering after I major in math... It is possible. It can work..."

Third day there, Holly asks if Engineering was what I really felt called to do. I don't know anymore... I thought so..

"God, I'm not going to be an engineer, am I? Then what have You made me to do?"

I prayed. I think He answered. Most people think it's right, what I believe He said. I hope so.


One night to get me to Lee, one to keep me there, and two to show me what I am supposed to do.

Four nights, simple as that. God has things all under control, and I am His.

The time has come

So I'm at Lee. I am in college. It's 100% official too.

I have met SO many people in the past day and a half. I can't even believe it has been that short of a time with all the things that I have done. Most everyone has been so incredibly cool -it's so great to meet this many devoted, sincere college-age Christians all together in one place!

There is so much potential for this year. I love my dorm's RC - she's the sweetest. And I love having Holly back too. Everything summed up, this is looking to be wonderful.

As I leave behind this lonely year...

This is part of an old journal entry. It sums up the most of this past year for me... I thought it important to look back at what I am coming out of, in order to face what comes next.

"The haunting of nothing plagues me. I have felt nothing - the numbness that invades. It was a time when I felt hopeless, but I had to carry on for the sake of those around me. There were still those that mattered... that the nothingness hadn't taken away yet, and for them I kept moving. Although my future seemed bleak, I wanted more for them. So I moved on, day after day, week after week, month after month... not expecting anything out of life... just living, lifeless. Maybe it wasn't even sadness... it was..... nothing.

And in the middle of this, I found something that I cared about. Most people probably wouldn't understand why I found such hope in this... person. He was the epitomy of everything that I wasn't able to become. He was real, but hopeful. His music spoke of the loneliness that I felt night after night, but made me believe that "this too shall pass." Don't misunderstand, I know that this is just a man... however, his art lead me back to true hope (found in my Love), and out of the nothingness."

I had forgotten how some things came to be, but journaling has proven its worth. I will carry this year with me forever, no doubt. It was bleak at times, and I never felt more alone... but I never learned so much in one year either. I grew up more than I thought I could... and I'm sure it will be helpful in the coming years to know that I can face loneliness because I have the Lord with me.. and I know that when everyone else moves on, He will remain

The vicious cycle

I can't stop
I'm sabotaging myself!
And the worst part?

It's not even fantasy.

Every time is as real as the first. It takes weeks to recover, and the heartache is numbing... but I can't stop it, can't help it.

Perhaps I will eventually be able to resist this - to protect my heart. But that is the least of what I desire. I would rather feel this dull of longing than feel nothing at all.

As long as there is the slightest hope, I will be there, hoping, waiting, aching.

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me