Unsatisfied

I sometimes wonder about this dissatisfaction of this life, and how I can sit here for hours just trying to find a way to relieve the aching inside of me. As a christian, I sometimes wonder if I am not supposed to feel this way, or if I am supposed to feel satisfied in life because of Christ in me. However, what I am supposed to feel is somewhat irrelevant, since it is not what I feel.

Of course there are times when I taste of my eternal satisfaction, but it is never full, never complete. Should it be this way? I suppose great theologians and philosophers have stated that nothing in this world will ever satisfy that desire within us, because we have been actually created for something more.

I don't know the point I am trying to make, or even if I am trying to make a point at all. All I know is that all day long my heart has longed for more, my spirit has groaned to know that fullness of the life I was designed for. And when I thought I had finally resigned to settle for less, the groaning just grew louder, and I am sure that I can not.

(Not that this is of the eternal sense, but it has been a part of my aching.) I suppose I would say then that I would rather die alone than ever choose to settle for someone less than what I adore. I feel like a fool for it at times, but I still hold that since it isn't perfection that I want - but instead it is the adoration and complete abandon for God that I have seen in some - they can go ahead and call me foolish, for it is what I must have.

And my heart aches, for it knows what it was created for, and that I may surrender to choose to die without ever having it (if less is the only option).

You want me to do nothing?

Trust.

I have the hardest time with that sometimes. I don't know how to "let go and let God." When I'm as sure about something as I am about this now, it goes against everything inside me to do nothing.

But in all actuality, it's not nothing. Trust is active.

“Waiting is not resignation; waiting is an active trust in God to provide fulfillment in His perfect timing, according to the His ultimate purpose of glorifying His Son."

So, I have to wait. That is the something I have been instructed to do.

But I don't want to do that. I want to make things happen! I want to see things work the way I envision them now! But then.. where is the trust? Do I really believe that God wants to work things out for the glory of His Son? I suppose I do... but why does it depend on me waiting?

But it makes perfect sense. If I step back, releasing my human ambition, and allow God to work, then when the His best comes to be, I will have only to praise Him. My job is to wait, which probably takes more effort than doing. My call is to stop my striving and trust my Father. Will I do it? I will give myself no other choice.

People

I love people. They are so intriguing..

I can't stop watching them.

I see them, and I see beyond the faces and the costumes. There is a uniqueness to people, but a consistency to the way we function. And I see them mess up, and I look for why. I can't hold it against them. I love people. You are all so fascinating.

And when I see you all... the way you think, the mistakes you make and the victories you experience, I feel inadequate. You all are so much more than I could ever hope to be... and would it insult you to know that someone so... unlike you in so many ways, wanted to be your friend? Would you give me that chance? I hope you would.

And so it goes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll say something more... normal? =)