I knew it when...

I knew it when you gave me my mother, the most beautiful and loving woman I have ever known.

I knew it when you sang to me at night, and counted each of my tears that fell in the desperation and loneliness.

I knew it when you made sure I still had something to hold onto in the numbness, even though you knew it wouldn't be you.

I knew it when you lifted the veil off of my face, and kissed each of the scars I hid underneath.

I knew it when you took my pain and sorrows, and stole the screams from my mouth to make them your own.

I knew it when you came back to get me, again and again, even when I ran away from you and my freedom, back to my bondage.

I knew it the day that I realized that you held my heart all along, and protected it from the world set out to destroy me.

I knew it when I felt my heart ripped to shreds, trying to love the one who hated me for it.

I knew it when you told me what who I am right now, imperfections and all, was more than worth it.

I knew it the day I felt you beside me, wrapping your arms around me and promising to never leave.

I knew it the day you said "Ask me for what you want," and then gave it to me.

I knew it when I cried for 3 days because I realized he didn't know it.

I knew it the day that you told me to make sure I didn't make it about anyone else but you.

I knew it the day that he showed enthusiasm, even if it was "only because of the cold."

I knew it the day that she understood, and the day you showed me a part of your plan.

I knew it the day he made the decision, even a promise he could barely keep.

I knew it the day that you said to stay still, and wait in faith for you to arrive.

I knew it the day that I fell apart, wanting what you wished to hold back.

I knew it the day that I remembered my fear, and you tried to make me confident.

I knew it when he found the house, and the movie ended with lines too perfectly imperfect to not be human.

I knew it when I realized that I cared for a glorious human, instead of the perfect robot-man who I believed would be the only one who could ever reach me.

I know it every time I look at the stars. Each one calls my name, each one seeks my heart. and then when I heard the words "I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky, so on lonely nights I would know your presence..." and I knew that it was true.

I knew it the day that I ended up under the stars again, in the cold, on the first night of winter. To him it was cliche; to me, it was ironic. I don't think YOU know how to do cliche.

I knew it the day I saw that it was all worth it. Every heartache and struggle I face will bring me back to you. I have never been so sure. Now that I stand where I once shook, I can say that yes, indeed, it's worth it. I have never known a love like this.

And I know it today, because I can't end this list. In no universe could I ever sum up the ways that you have shown me, the times I have realized it.

And this is it, this is all I know: Though I am undeserving, I know that He loves me still.

Well, this is new.

I am wondering if I am crazy, as I have chosen to step into a something where I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I guess that's where trusting God comes in, right? This is certainly going to be one of the best and most challenging things I have ever faced. I'm okay with it. I am completely blessed by God, as He has allowed me to walk into this. I could never ask for more.

Apparently I have been walking around with a huge smile on my face. I wasn't exactly aware... but I'm not surprised either. It has been a long semester, and it is amazing to me how faithful, good, and graceful God is. I don't deserve any of these things He has blessed me with, and yet He still gives them to me.

I had an epiphany the other day: I was thinking about how wonderful my God is, and how many good things He gives me. During my prayer, thanking Him for showing me His favor once again, I began to wonder why all I ever seem to do is say thanks, and wondered what I could do to give back to Him. And that's when it hit me. I already knew this, but it became all the more real. All He wants is all of me. And that's what I want to give. It's the only reasonable response to what He has given me, and therefore I am compelled by His goodness to give back! It is not obligation, but it is... that there is nothing else I CAN do. I must give myself wholly to Him who has given EVERYTHING.

And that's where I stand, in light of all He has done for me. Every part of my life must be surrendered to Him, as there is nothing else that He asks of me. And that's what I am learning to do, in every day and in every situation.

Fold and make your move

I am way to proud to verbalize my feelings

And you are way to mean if you just let this brew

It's a complicated hand that you've been dealing

Time to win me over: fold and make your move

One day Alice cam to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't really matter." - Lewis Carrol

The songs

The Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

This song has been the encouragement I need. There those things that I've been called to do, and this is the song that tells me it will be worth it. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I need to hear these things.

Lately the theme for my life has been fire. I've been thrown into the furnace, and I'm burning. Now I wait to see if I will be refined in the flame and then saved, or if I will be burned up. I hope to come out of it, to see all those things I contend for redeemed... but even if You don't, I will still stand in the fire, to bring glory to You.

You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction
It’s the declaration of my Lord
You’re not an image of gold
You’re the God of old
You have made us
Come and save us
We are Yours
But even if You don’t

We will burn!

This has been the question God has asked me. Will you still be thrown into the fire, and trust my faithfulness, even if I don't save you? My answer: yes. I will. There is no doubt in my mind that even if this destroys me, I will still go. But that's not what I want. I want them to know of God's redemption! I want them to understand His love for them. They need it. It is the most essential piece to the puzzle. If they could understand that.

God is my victory and He is here.

To a world of nonchalants and enthusiasts

I haven't said anything here in, well... forever it seems.

My world has fallen apart at the seams, and yet I feel more confident than ever in the unfathomable greatness and faithfulness of my Lord.

when the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standing

when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

when time and space are through

I'll be found in you

Those words, that confession, has never felt more real to me. Since getting back to Lee, I have quite literally felt that things have gone wrong, time after time after time. Life keeps failing me. Satan is throwing stones at my head, and dropping boulders on my shoulders. That devil seeks to overthrow my faith, but it hardly feels the attack anymore. What a fool he is, that he doesn't even realize that with each attack my armor gets thicker, and my conviction in God's faithfulness grows. It is a phenomenon that I can't quite explain. Every time I am brought back to tears of abysmal pain, I understand that much more that God is there. My faith grows in feeling with Him, as odd as it sounds. I don't mind the pain, because I know that it is good that I feel. No longer does the devil have me trapped in that numbness. I have been set free.

I love them. I do. I desperately hurt to see them know Him, because I know that it is the only solution to their pain. The cuts that go so deep can be healed. That death that encases your very flesh must be pealed away. It cracks and itches, but you haven't realized that you must first die to be set free. It's a mystery like none other, but it exactly what it claims. Freedom is for you. Love is for you. Don't walk in numbness - walk in life. Yes, there's pain, but there's greatness. When you know how much He LOVES you, the pain can only go so deep. Yes, I grieve for you. Yes, I lay awake in desperation for you. But know this, it's infinitely better to feel that pain than to not feel at all. He is good, of this I am certain.

THOUGH YOU WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, HE IS THERE. I am trying to take your hands, to walk with you. Any arrow that is shot at you, I hope will hit me instead. Any hole that you could fall in, I hope to fall in first to warn you. If I die on the way, all shall be well worth it if you make it through to the other side. Quite literally, if it takes death for you to understand, than I am more than willing to give my life.

There are two things I will NEVER sacrifice: 1) My Lord. He is my everything, and NOTHING will ever separate us. And 2) YOU. Unless it is to God, nothing in my life is worth more than you. You can take away everything from me - all possessions, emotions, relationships, life - if that's the cost. Whatever it takes of me, I want to give. You are worth it to me. You are worth it all. Never more important than God, but more than all else.

And so I write this to you, the nonchalant. Be aware that this is never casual. It is for the enthusiasts, for those who care so deeply for you that you cannot even be aware of it, that I implore. Seek the freedom for another. Stand in the gap on their behalf. When they have no words, use yours for them. They don't know the battle they fight, and if you see them wounded and captive, go get them! The enemy forces are strong, but are they not worth it? You have all legions of victory to back you up, but you must make the first move. Draw the sword that you have been carrying around like an accessory. It's time.

Enthusiasts, MOVE.

Magic

This is the greatest new thing I've found. It can get rid of a pimple in one day! And I LOVE it.

It's the Boscia Willow Bark To-Go Breakout Treatment, found at Sephora. Seriously, it works. And it's gentle - I have sensitive skin.

Today... I'm a little sick of myself.

There is only one thing that I really wanted to do... and I couldn't make myself do it.  I don't know if it's better or worse this way.  I'm hoping worse because I didn't do it.  I hope God was preventing it.  

It is not that I regret not doing it, but more that I can't believe I didn't when it was all I really thought about for over a week now.  Strange, isn't it?  Oh well...

I need to make more time for reading, and journaling.  The problem is, I do those things at night usually, and when I go to bed so late, I don't have the time or the energy.  There is really no reason for it... I don't really have other responsibilities.  It's just... I can't make myself sometimes.  Sleep feels too lonely and quiet sometimes, and I don't like to think about the things that I remember when falling asleep.  So, I put it off, until I'm writing an online blog post at 1:30 in the morning, without having journaled nor read a single page today.

I need to fix my life.. I really do.

Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Oh geez, I love music!  

Sounds can bring life!  I couldn't even begin to tell you how much of my life has been changed through music.

I can't explain it.  It's like... I can be waiting, waiting, waiting for the Lord to speak... but once I turn on that music, it's like I can suddenly live again!  He speaks!  There is not a doubt in my mind that God breathes life into some songs.   Artists can but a pen to paper, and compose the most beautiful melody, but it's God that touches it, and makes it transcend time and situations - a very small reflection of what He does.

It's like a wooden puppet Pinocchio vs the real boy.  

And in this I see promise for those who have yet to acknowledge the Lord's glory.  There are those who can write the music that is so much like it should be, as if Pinocchio has already gotten up, but is still quite obviously wooden.  But there is more to be realized.  They can create and inspire, but where is the God behind it?  Soon, I say.  You will acknowledge the master musician.

I have this picture in my head of God, and in the glory and light surrounding Him, there is also song.  Songs so unbearably glorious, that as the light of His glory would blind us, the music may deafen us.  But it doesn't stop there... it's like.. the most intense case of synesthesia known to man.  The music and light appeals to all our senses.  It engulfs our every ounce of awareness in the God's holiness.

Can you see it?

PEACE, SUMMER, JESUS, SOME HILLSONG, COUNTRY MUSIC..., BOYS

So, Renee went on a date with this guy - a good guy for once!  I'm so amazed!  I didn't think it would happen.

After my mom not allowing them to date, I began to wonder if that rule was in her best interest.  I don't necessarily believe that dating is the best thing for them, but I think that even without being "allowed" to, that's pretty much what they've been doing anyway.  Getting in relationships without anything official.  This way, my mom can evaluate the guy, and supervise their contact.  I want to be a part of my sisters' decisions.

Anyway, this new guy Renee is spending time with seems like a good guy.  I'm sure that as time goes on we'll get to know him better, especially if Renee is interested in him.  He's coming over tonight for dinner and to watch a movie.

Moving on....

I'm thinking about changing my major.  I'd like to say I knew for sure, but I don't.  Whatev!

And then, as always, there's that pressing matter of the him and the "what?"  But we'll ignore that now now ;)

I love peacocks and spider flowers, and the color blue.  Whales are fascinating, and I would love to go sailing.  I don't like 90 degree weather... and I need a haircut baddd.

Bright & Sunny

So yesterday I worked from 8am to 3pm in Chattanooga at Invisible Children's "Move for Uganda" 5K race.

It was beautiful out, but I had to wake up at like 6 to get there on time... so I'm still exhausted.  I got a tan, but I sunburned my scalp (in my hair part), and my lips.  LAME!  And it hurts like heck.  Haha, oh well.  I'll remember chapstick next time I guess.  My lips are a nice rosy red now!... but so is my scalp..?

ANYWAY, class time.

I'm too tired for this... and I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't even started studying for...

This'll be fun.

You are holy, Oh so holy...

And woe is me, for I am unclean
But my eyes have seen the Holy King
And He cleansed my lips right before my eyes
And the pillars shook as the angels cried:

You are holy, Oh so holy...

I have come to a new place, and in this place I glimpse see His glory.  Oh what a sight, my majestic Lord!  Oh Lord of me, Lord of my heart, take all that I am!

There are so many times that God totally perplexes me.  I don't know what to do with Him, because I can't understand the mystery that is God.  Frequently He completely blows my mind, and I am left in awe of who He is and what He does for me daily.  

I have to come to grips with a new concept.  I am learning more and more how much of a mystery that God is.  And you see, the problem lies not in that, but in that I have never been fond of surprises.  I like to understand things, to the point that not knowing will almost drive me crazy.  However, I have an idea:  

What if God is not a mystery to be solved, but a mystery to be admired?

Now of course I don't mean that we stop learning about who God is, but what if I were to take a step back and simply admire His work, with all its complexities and simplicities?  What if I stop trying to figure out what He's up to, and simply enjoy the story that He has taken such care to write?  

Drew's right.  I don't appreciate mystery enough.  I intend on changing that though, because 1) life is much more beautiful that way, and 2) faith and trust becomes so much easier.

When there are coincidences that seem to point to more, I feel the need to step back and quit analyzing things.  With enough reason to cease doubting, can I give up my quest to figure things out and enjoy whatever He's doing?  Must I always be striving?  

This is my goal: to enjoy the story for its beauty, not just to get to the ending.

The list of things

A few things going through my mind...

1. I finished a journal today
2. I'm doing a 3 day fast (complete fast)
3. Consequently, I doubt I've ever consumed so much liquid before in my life
   
4. I am thinking about talking to that one guy about getting involved in that one thing.  I still need to pray about it.
5. Things are looking up again relationally
6. God is a mystery who likes to use that to test my faith
7. I struggle to like mystery.  I would rather solve it.
8. Muse is A++
9. There are way too many "coincidences" to not consider this...
10. But I don't want to assume anything.
11. Why is faith and trust so hard sometimes?
12. I love Nicole.

Fafsfyougskjgf

I don't understand things sometimes.  

It frustrates me to no end.

I feel sick.

God, what the heck are you getting at?  I'm over it.  You know what?  Last month was better.  Let's go back, what do You say?

Gah.  No.  For some reason You think that this is good for me?!  

Just take it away, take it away.  This thorn in my flesh, I need to be rid of it.  I'm so over it.  

I'M SO FREAKING OVER THIS.  

I like this: "Empty my hands of all the stones I've gathered"

These past couple days have been a little rough...

I'm trying to just trust the Lord, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.  Plans keep falling through the cracks of my life, and I'm sort of at the end of the rope.  I'm definitely at the end of myself.  

I wish I hadn't left something things undone.  I'm glad my God is able to restore what was, making all things new, all things whole.  He's doing just that for me.

This song just played on my itunes, and it has given my so much hope and peace.  Can I just say that I am really really loving Christopher Williams lately?  He writes such wonderful music!

Breathe - Christopher Williams

wrapped in the lonliness pretending to be strong
words comfort as much as a winter’s day is long
alone on the edge as proof that everything i thought i knew
has suddenly fallen out of view...out of view...i heard a voice say

walk to the water rest on the shore
let my love spill into yours
walk to the water fall on your knees
quench your restless soul by the water and breathe

when silence is surrendered by crossing bridges burned
and your breath is cut shorter swimming tides that coldly turn
when doubts sink deep and then rise stirring the depths where passions lie
breaking the surface of your disguise...just look into your eyes

find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
because life ends not in death but with what dies inside while we live

That's all for now, folks.

Every Time I Say Goodbye

it’s twelve am and the church bell reminds me that i walk these streets alone
it’s not each ring that hurts but the silence in between every solitary tone
and the cracks in the sidewalk,
the way the lights in each window talk,
each telling me why i miss your smile

the center of town is a few side streets that meet with nothing much in between
one traffic light that in the dead of the night i can hear turn from red to green
it’s a moment like this, where this silence feeds the lonliness
and everything i see makes me think of you

if i said i love you would it be too soon
cause timing is everything in this old familiar tune
i would spend my life underneath a wandering moon
if every time i said goodbye, i could come back home to you

this little town fights the end of the day by throwing light into the sky
from second street i watch the steeple light give up, turn off, and say goodnight
it is speaking to me and to the stars that i now can see
telling us that it’s our time to shine

sorry to call so late, i know you were sleeping but this could not wait
tonight the silence gave me no choice, i had to break it, i had to hear your voice

[Christopher Williams]

Hope which was lost now stands renewed

God is so good!

Short blog

Oh my gosh God is good!  I am so blessed!

His plans are marvelous, more than I could ever imagine! 

14 months of change have brought me here, and here I will not stay.  Always onward, always closer to the One who transforms me, to the One who makes me whole.  No longer can I sit and wait.  I wait for another year yet, but there is no waiting for Christ.  He is here now, and I am giving everything I can for Him.

Things are beginning to happen - not only in me, but in many.

"Aslan's on the move."

They tell me that we belong together

This week has been interesting.  Not too eventful, but a good experience.

I realized that I have allowed myself to be "the bitter one" for far too long.  I have used my past as an excuse to not cling to hope and faith, when all along it was there for me.  I am done being angry.  I am done being hurt.  My life is not so bad, in all actuality.  I have to learn not to let my criticism hinder my faith in God.

It has been a process this past year.  I think I'm a very different person than the one who left for Lee last fall.  That girl was hurt, angry, hidden, self-absorbed, doubtful, and shut-down.  But praise Jesus, that is not the same person that is writing this right now.  

I was hurt, but God restored me through friendships and acceptance.  He showed me that I don't have to try to measure up, because I am loved as I am.  This has also brought me to a greater point of understanding of His love for me, which has caused me just to fall even more deeply in love with Him than ever before.  I can honestly say, He speaks.  He speaks to me daily (at least if I am mindful to pay attention -- which I want to do).  Nothing compares to hearing His voice.  Nothing compares to feeling Him near.

I was hidden.  I refused to let anyone near me, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand.  I couldn't handle my fragile faith being questioned.  Plus, I clung to the Lord with everything I had, so sharing what little I had of Him seemed unfathomable.  

Self-absorbed.  Gah, still working on that one.

Over my last year in highschool, I gradually allowed myself to shut-down to the world around me.  My faith and beliefs were being questioned, and my security net removed.  I felt stripped of myself, and therefore I withdrew.  I couldn't handle being so alone.  I determined that instead of hurting, I would close my heart and mind.  I was numb.  I didn't feel anything anymore.  I just was, and did what I had to do.  It wasn't good, it was life.  Was God good?  I honestly didn't know.

To be honest, I often feel tempted to return to numbness.  It's easier there, and more comfortable.  I am familiar with it now, so it's an easy adjustment.  But that's not who I am meant to be.  

I can't be numb, and I can't be shut-down.  I can't stay bitter, I can't stay angry.  It's time to move on.  Life is waiting.  GOD is waiting.  I will do anything to be useable to Him, even lay down all my insecurities.  

Last year brought me to a place where I wasn't afraid to die for the sake of Christ.

This year brings me to a place where I am not afraid to LIVE for Him.

Wistful feelings make me nauseous

He didn't realize how much I needed him to be there.

Or was that want?

... I don't even remember.

On Becoming

"You're outnumbered Aragorn. You need more men."

"There are none."

"There are those who dwell in the mountain."

"Murderers... traitors.  You would call upon them to fight?  They believe in nothing.  They answer to no one."

"They will answer to the king of Gondor... The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth.  Put aside the Ranger.  Become who you were born to be."

Even Isaac

If I had a song to sing
I'd color it with things I've seen
And tell of all the lessons learned
Of faith unseen and bridges burned
Of all the things to tell of me
My song will sing of Calvary

If I had my life to give
I'd yield it now His life to live
And tell of all His glory shown
A savior came to welcome home
No greater love gone to the grave
My helpless soul He died to save

If I had one breath to breathe
I'd shout the victory of my King
Who conquered hell and all my sin
This glorious day, new life within
The sum of all my glory be
A sacrifice my Lord for thee

Mein Kampf

This has the potential to be one of the most life-changing things that has ever happened to me...

And yet, I'm not so worried.  I feel confident that there is something in this that transcends what is normal... that, as unusual as it is for me, isn't so dependent on what I do or say.  It is something that causes me to gasp, causes me to tremble, causes the very fiber of my being to unravel. And it is unraveling; slowly but more surely it could not be. There is pain. Oh yes, there is pain. Pain beyond anything I ever could have imagined before this whole thing went down. It is as though the flesh on my knees has been split and is slowly and deliberately being pulled away from the bone. Cartilage rips and muscle tears, causing tears to well up in these eyes that I am not even sure are mine anymore. None of you have any idea what I am talking about... and none of you ever will. I would never utter the thoughts that plague me now to any soul because I fear that nobody else was meant to share this burden with me. It is mine to bear and until my legs buckle I will bear it with integrity and with promise. If ever I should feel inclined to allow another to enter into my confidence, if I felt that were the intent, I most surely would- but with discretion. Discretion almost to the point of a point-blank untruth with a hint of an idea slightly related in the vaguest of ways to a foreign form of the truth. And that is all. That and only that. What more is there to say...

Brooke Fraser - Mystery

I wanna get your words stuck in my head
I wanna touch your soul with mine
I want to always be, be by you led
Always

I wanna know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
I wanna feel your love under my skin, down through my bones

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

I wanna feel the wind and know that you're near me
And see in the seasons your mystery
I wanna feel your love flow through my veins
Pound through my heart

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better

I want to know how this could be
Yet your love remains a mystery
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way
That's woven all the way through me

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures



I love this song, so so much.

I feel like there's a reason that Christianity grows the most during times of oppression and persecution.

I am sick of how we have allowed the "American dream" to infiltrate our churches and hearts.

I believe with a firm conviction that the prosperity gospel is a lie, and repulsive to most.

We hear so much these days in our churches and from our pastors that if we are seeking God, He will bless us, and we will live abundantly.  They tell us that He will more than provide for our needs, and because of that people will look at us and say "What God do you serve?!" in awe and astonishment.  Well, as far as I've seen, this isn't the case.

This idea of the prosperity gospel is effective for one thing: growing church numbers.  However, I will be the first to say that this idea of initial appeal became the very thing that I was repulsed by in the church and in my life.

I think that there is something deeper in a true Christianity that draws people.  

Let's look at this for a moment: Jesus' live was not an ideal one - He wasn't rich, and He didn't have everything, and what He did have He was more than willing to give up.  Actually, Jesus gave up HEAVEN when He came here.  He stepped out of eternity and into time, and laid down His live to save us.  So I ask this question: if God would allow His ONLY Son to die to save us that He so desperately loves, why would I not be willing to do the same?  Who's to say that He'll never ask that of us?  I don't think that these things are as far-fetched as one may think.  

I want to live that life.  I was repulsed by the idea that I would live "an abundant life," not because it doesn't sound good, but because when all is said and done, it doesn't matter.  I need something eternal and meaningful to live for.  I need to give my life to something, and as soon as I understood Christianity, I was sure this was it.  NO material possession matters to me, because I get the best thing that I could EVER imagine: I get God.  

I think that this is the reason that during persecution people are drawn to Christianity.  Instead of saying "Wow they're self-righteous AND they have everything!  Go them!" they see Christians give up everything for the sake of Christ, and are curious about what could possibly lead someone to do such a thing.  That is the mystery and the appeal of the gospel that I think so many of us overlook.  I believe so many more people are ready to live for something, for they are seeking the fulfillment that only God can bring.  Once they really know God, nothing else will matter, for all else pales compared to the gloriousness of our Saviour.  

So why don't we live like Jesus lived?  Like the apostles lived?  Like Paul lived?  Like so many martyrs before us lived?  Are we ready to give up everything for the sake of the gospel?  Would be really give our lives so that another might know the God we love?  Because if we fail to live like this, we will not see the growth that the church so desperately needs.  It's up to us to decide.  

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.'" -Matthew 16:24-25

"Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, 'One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.' 

...

So Jesus answered and said, 'Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time--houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions--and in the age to come, eternal life.'" -Mark 10:21, 29-30

Those daunting persons

Have you ever met someone who changes the way that you think about things, and thus changes you?  This happens to me every once in a while... as it is happening now.

I can't say I love it -- to be honest, I quite liked the way I saw things.  Meeting this person has opened a completely new mindset, and it's difficult to adjust.  It's rare for me to find a person who can influence me this much... because I am fairly set in my opinions.  Not immoveable, but not easily swayed.  How does one person unintentionally gain so much influence?  How can I stop it?!  No, that's not what I want, if the change is for the better.. but it's still not easy.  Altering my thought patters can sometimes be like trying to reshape iron... it takes a lot of heat and a lot of fire - and in the process a lot of stripping and cleansing.  It's uncomfortable.  But in the end, I come out sharper and purer than before... and perhaps that is exactly the reason that God allows this to happen.

However, I find it interesting to consider: we were created to influence one another.  We are not mutually exclusive beings.  We are not made to need God alone.  Essentially, we are dependent on each other to learn and grow.  Our first and most important relationship is the one we have with our Saviour and Lord, but that's not the ONLY relationship we need.  God has put us together for a reason - we need each other.  I do not see the world in the same way that you see it.  Because of this, we will each recognize different things about the world that we live in, and the God that we serve.  Each truth is valuable, and that is why I know that I need each of you.  

The thing that I really don't understand is how some people have a much greater influence on me than others.  How is it that in a few days I can be changed more by one person than in years of friendship with another?  It is an interesting occurrence - one of the mysteries of how God works in my life and in my heart.  For whatever reason this happens, I am undeniably grateful for it.  I cannot stay the same forever -- no, not when I'm being continually transformed into the image of my awesome Father.