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I don't understand things sometimes.  

It frustrates me to no end.

I feel sick.

God, what the heck are you getting at?  I'm over it.  You know what?  Last month was better.  Let's go back, what do You say?

Gah.  No.  For some reason You think that this is good for me?!  

Just take it away, take it away.  This thorn in my flesh, I need to be rid of it.  I'm so over it.  

I'M SO FREAKING OVER THIS.  

I like this: "Empty my hands of all the stones I've gathered"

These past couple days have been a little rough...

I'm trying to just trust the Lord, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.  Plans keep falling through the cracks of my life, and I'm sort of at the end of the rope.  I'm definitely at the end of myself.  

I wish I hadn't left something things undone.  I'm glad my God is able to restore what was, making all things new, all things whole.  He's doing just that for me.

This song just played on my itunes, and it has given my so much hope and peace.  Can I just say that I am really really loving Christopher Williams lately?  He writes such wonderful music!

Breathe - Christopher Williams

wrapped in the lonliness pretending to be strong
words comfort as much as a winter’s day is long
alone on the edge as proof that everything i thought i knew
has suddenly fallen out of view...out of view...i heard a voice say

walk to the water rest on the shore
let my love spill into yours
walk to the water fall on your knees
quench your restless soul by the water and breathe

when silence is surrendered by crossing bridges burned
and your breath is cut shorter swimming tides that coldly turn
when doubts sink deep and then rise stirring the depths where passions lie
breaking the surface of your disguise...just look into your eyes

find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
because life ends not in death but with what dies inside while we live

That's all for now, folks.

Every Time I Say Goodbye

it’s twelve am and the church bell reminds me that i walk these streets alone
it’s not each ring that hurts but the silence in between every solitary tone
and the cracks in the sidewalk,
the way the lights in each window talk,
each telling me why i miss your smile

the center of town is a few side streets that meet with nothing much in between
one traffic light that in the dead of the night i can hear turn from red to green
it’s a moment like this, where this silence feeds the lonliness
and everything i see makes me think of you

if i said i love you would it be too soon
cause timing is everything in this old familiar tune
i would spend my life underneath a wandering moon
if every time i said goodbye, i could come back home to you

this little town fights the end of the day by throwing light into the sky
from second street i watch the steeple light give up, turn off, and say goodnight
it is speaking to me and to the stars that i now can see
telling us that it’s our time to shine

sorry to call so late, i know you were sleeping but this could not wait
tonight the silence gave me no choice, i had to break it, i had to hear your voice

[Christopher Williams]

Hope which was lost now stands renewed

God is so good!

Short blog

Oh my gosh God is good!  I am so blessed!

His plans are marvelous, more than I could ever imagine! 

14 months of change have brought me here, and here I will not stay.  Always onward, always closer to the One who transforms me, to the One who makes me whole.  No longer can I sit and wait.  I wait for another year yet, but there is no waiting for Christ.  He is here now, and I am giving everything I can for Him.

Things are beginning to happen - not only in me, but in many.

"Aslan's on the move."

They tell me that we belong together

This week has been interesting.  Not too eventful, but a good experience.

I realized that I have allowed myself to be "the bitter one" for far too long.  I have used my past as an excuse to not cling to hope and faith, when all along it was there for me.  I am done being angry.  I am done being hurt.  My life is not so bad, in all actuality.  I have to learn not to let my criticism hinder my faith in God.

It has been a process this past year.  I think I'm a very different person than the one who left for Lee last fall.  That girl was hurt, angry, hidden, self-absorbed, doubtful, and shut-down.  But praise Jesus, that is not the same person that is writing this right now.  

I was hurt, but God restored me through friendships and acceptance.  He showed me that I don't have to try to measure up, because I am loved as I am.  This has also brought me to a greater point of understanding of His love for me, which has caused me just to fall even more deeply in love with Him than ever before.  I can honestly say, He speaks.  He speaks to me daily (at least if I am mindful to pay attention -- which I want to do).  Nothing compares to hearing His voice.  Nothing compares to feeling Him near.

I was hidden.  I refused to let anyone near me, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand.  I couldn't handle my fragile faith being questioned.  Plus, I clung to the Lord with everything I had, so sharing what little I had of Him seemed unfathomable.  

Self-absorbed.  Gah, still working on that one.

Over my last year in highschool, I gradually allowed myself to shut-down to the world around me.  My faith and beliefs were being questioned, and my security net removed.  I felt stripped of myself, and therefore I withdrew.  I couldn't handle being so alone.  I determined that instead of hurting, I would close my heart and mind.  I was numb.  I didn't feel anything anymore.  I just was, and did what I had to do.  It wasn't good, it was life.  Was God good?  I honestly didn't know.

To be honest, I often feel tempted to return to numbness.  It's easier there, and more comfortable.  I am familiar with it now, so it's an easy adjustment.  But that's not who I am meant to be.  

I can't be numb, and I can't be shut-down.  I can't stay bitter, I can't stay angry.  It's time to move on.  Life is waiting.  GOD is waiting.  I will do anything to be useable to Him, even lay down all my insecurities.  

Last year brought me to a place where I wasn't afraid to die for the sake of Christ.

This year brings me to a place where I am not afraid to LIVE for Him.

Wistful feelings make me nauseous

He didn't realize how much I needed him to be there.

Or was that want?

... I don't even remember.

On Becoming

"You're outnumbered Aragorn. You need more men."

"There are none."

"There are those who dwell in the mountain."

"Murderers... traitors.  You would call upon them to fight?  They believe in nothing.  They answer to no one."

"They will answer to the king of Gondor... The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth.  Put aside the Ranger.  Become who you were born to be."