I knew it when...

I knew it when you gave me my mother, the most beautiful and loving woman I have ever known.

I knew it when you sang to me at night, and counted each of my tears that fell in the desperation and loneliness.

I knew it when you made sure I still had something to hold onto in the numbness, even though you knew it wouldn't be you.

I knew it when you lifted the veil off of my face, and kissed each of the scars I hid underneath.

I knew it when you took my pain and sorrows, and stole the screams from my mouth to make them your own.

I knew it when you came back to get me, again and again, even when I ran away from you and my freedom, back to my bondage.

I knew it the day that I realized that you held my heart all along, and protected it from the world set out to destroy me.

I knew it when I felt my heart ripped to shreds, trying to love the one who hated me for it.

I knew it when you told me what who I am right now, imperfections and all, was more than worth it.

I knew it the day I felt you beside me, wrapping your arms around me and promising to never leave.

I knew it the day you said "Ask me for what you want," and then gave it to me.

I knew it when I cried for 3 days because I realized he didn't know it.

I knew it the day that you told me to make sure I didn't make it about anyone else but you.

I knew it the day that he showed enthusiasm, even if it was "only because of the cold."

I knew it the day that she understood, and the day you showed me a part of your plan.

I knew it the day he made the decision, even a promise he could barely keep.

I knew it the day that you said to stay still, and wait in faith for you to arrive.

I knew it the day that I fell apart, wanting what you wished to hold back.

I knew it the day that I remembered my fear, and you tried to make me confident.

I knew it when he found the house, and the movie ended with lines too perfectly imperfect to not be human.

I knew it when I realized that I cared for a glorious human, instead of the perfect robot-man who I believed would be the only one who could ever reach me.

I know it every time I look at the stars. Each one calls my name, each one seeks my heart. and then when I heard the words "I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky, so on lonely nights I would know your presence..." and I knew that it was true.

I knew it the day that I ended up under the stars again, in the cold, on the first night of winter. To him it was cliche; to me, it was ironic. I don't think YOU know how to do cliche.

I knew it the day I saw that it was all worth it. Every heartache and struggle I face will bring me back to you. I have never been so sure. Now that I stand where I once shook, I can say that yes, indeed, it's worth it. I have never known a love like this.

And I know it today, because I can't end this list. In no universe could I ever sum up the ways that you have shown me, the times I have realized it.

And this is it, this is all I know: Though I am undeserving, I know that He loves me still.

Well, this is new.

I am wondering if I am crazy, as I have chosen to step into a something where I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I guess that's where trusting God comes in, right? This is certainly going to be one of the best and most challenging things I have ever faced. I'm okay with it. I am completely blessed by God, as He has allowed me to walk into this. I could never ask for more.

Apparently I have been walking around with a huge smile on my face. I wasn't exactly aware... but I'm not surprised either. It has been a long semester, and it is amazing to me how faithful, good, and graceful God is. I don't deserve any of these things He has blessed me with, and yet He still gives them to me.

I had an epiphany the other day: I was thinking about how wonderful my God is, and how many good things He gives me. During my prayer, thanking Him for showing me His favor once again, I began to wonder why all I ever seem to do is say thanks, and wondered what I could do to give back to Him. And that's when it hit me. I already knew this, but it became all the more real. All He wants is all of me. And that's what I want to give. It's the only reasonable response to what He has given me, and therefore I am compelled by His goodness to give back! It is not obligation, but it is... that there is nothing else I CAN do. I must give myself wholly to Him who has given EVERYTHING.

And that's where I stand, in light of all He has done for me. Every part of my life must be surrendered to Him, as there is nothing else that He asks of me. And that's what I am learning to do, in every day and in every situation.