I've been listening to the Civil Wars a lot recently. I love the song 20 Years.

There's a note underneath the front door that I wrote twenty years ago

Yellow paper and a faded picture

And a secret in an envelope

There's no reasons

No excuses

There's no secondhand alibis

Just some black ink on some blue lines and a shadow you won't recognize

And if it means I'll be waiting for twenty years and twenty more

I'll be praying for redemption and your note underneath my door

And your note underneath my door

I always relate this song back to one person, the person in my life who I always seem to be waiting for. "I'll be praying for redemption..." Maybe it's not that difficult to do, to just wait, and expect more. Maybe one day, I will find a note underneath my door too.

I wrote another letter yesterday, and filled it with words and emotions that I thought were long gone. It was amazing to see how much a would say, given the chance to finally speak. For years now I have neglected and ignored those wounds, hoping that indeed time would heal all. Unfortunately, all time does is allow memory to fade, but not wounds. When I examined myself, I found gashes and tears that I couldn't recall obtaining. I think that I had also covered them over with clothing, modest but neat, and so no one bothered to take a closer look. To both myself and my companions, I was okay. Everything ugly was covered, and therefore I assumed it no longer existed. But those wounds were still there, and in my subconscious, I think I always knew. My movements became accustomed to preventing their contact with any other object, and I became like an animal who favors a wounded leg. Though I would never speak of them, those hurts dictated my movements, my life.

Perhaps now it the time for allowing my body to truly heal, not just be covered and neat. Oddly enough, it seems like it took someone coming into my life and showing me that I was still not well, and pulling back my sleeves to reveal my wounds.

So let's rip open those self-procured stitches. Give it a shot, and maybe in the end I will dance again.

Because, as it so evident in everything I think, dancing is my goal.

I think in being free of my wounds, my movements will no longer be so restricted -- and finally, finally, finally, I will dance.

I leave for class in less than 8 minutes, so I won't be late. Ready, set, go--

I have just realized how typical I am. I think most of the same things that everyone else thinks. And believe it or not, this sucks.

I think I dress different than most people though. Only that's not really intentionally, it's more that I always dress to accommodate for the opportunity that I may get to dance.

Yes, it is silly. But here, I'm going to let you in on a secret: I have always missed dance. I wish so badly that I never quit ballet, because I have never really wanted to do anything different than dance. Now, however, I'm quite not danceresque. C'est la vie.

I am going to try to have more original thoughts, because I appreciate those who do very much. I have been listening to the song "Hallelujah" for a little while... and I realized that I love the way they say "It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah" because I've never heard it described that way anywhere else. So I guess this is all to say that 1) I want to dance, and 2) I want to write WELL. Can I do either of these things? Probably not. And then I just resign to this life and what I am good at: academics, taking care of people, being insignificant. Haha, jk jk. I just thought I'd throw that in there since I couldn't think of anything else I'm particularly good at.

I can grow long hair. With plenty of split ends. And so it is.

T minus 1 minute. Time to go.

Those are the deeper things,

the things which I will always be unable to

see,

touch,

understand,

embody.

How many times I've tired and

I've tried to get it right--

only finding that in trying

there is no success.

No- it's in the ebb and flow--

the current unchanging, and the simplicity of happening:

peace,

grace,

love--

that I am changed.

Grace: "refusal to leave me as he finds me,"

"to validate any identity other than his for me."

And so I must question of the son: Are

my wings made of wax?

Or will I find that instead it is the

fears,

death,

arrows

that melt away, as I chase the daylight?

I find myself believing that there is more now,

yet the importance I cannot recognize.

Are we now focused on the pinholes,

or am I seeing a chasm with a microscope?

Find in me--

love.

And in grace, I will carry on.

To love, sacrifice, and thrive.

To take, measure, and dwell.

Be looking on, for the destination is yet unknown.

Yet the paradise of mystery is greater than the purest ocean.

"This is here and this is now,

An unfamiliar peace to me."

"I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love"

So a long time ago I read something that stuck out to me, and ever since that day I've never been able to get it out of my mind. Those words were...

I want to be able to vulnerable and open with people instantly. I want to be able to show the kind of acceptance that I am being bombarded with to everyone I meet.

Because Jesus wasn't guarded.

And he certainly wasn't afraid to love those who might hurt him. I guess what with omniscience and all, he wasn't afraid to love those who he KNEW would later hurt him.

And I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love.

Great ambition, right? I mean, speaking as someone who longs to emulate Christ... I am far far farfrom getting it right. Though I must admit, I am certainly trying.

It seems as though in my own life, God has once again set Himself on a mission of helping me tear down the walls that I have built around myself. It started a while ago, probably around the same time I read that other post (^). Most likely that is why I remember the words so vividly. But this time... this time it's different. This time I must let a him in. I've warmed up to letting another female know me - to glimpse on occasion through the heavy linen that enshrouds my heart - but I'm sure I can do this... I'm not sure.

As lame as it sounds, I think they got the idea right. Let's have a look, shall we?

"We have a desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is the core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can we seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."

"Most woman doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. It is, in fact, our deepest doubt. When it comes to the issues surrounding beauty, we vacillate between striving and resignation... Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide. Hide in business; hide in church activities; hide in depression. There is nothing captivating about me. Certainly not inside me."

Oddly enough, I think that this explains a lot about me. It's dumb, I know. It's WAY to feminine to be something I want to admit... but in many ways, it's true. As long as I don't let anyone see that I desire that, they I can't be disappointed when I am told, once again, "no, there's nothing special about you."

Now you see, all women understand this issue. So we're super sensitive to it. It is not unusual to hear girls telling each other how delightful they are, because we know. It's actually gotten pretty cliche, because of just how much women want to hear it. Guys... well they're different. They don't understand the need... and from my experience, have largely contributed to the problem. Now, I DO NOT mean all guys. I'm not one of those women who hate men... I guess I just don't expect them to get it, or to be sensitive to it. So, I hide. If I don't let them in, then I am not hurt by them, and they also don't have to go out of their way to even try to understand. Kind of a weird thought, right?

But I suppose I'm cheating myself then. After all, it is God who tells us once and for all that we have been made with something inside of us that captivates, and that we are worth it. If I don't allow myself to be open, essentially I rob Him of the opportunity to make me more secure in Him. Problem.

So I'm learning. I don't want to be guarded anymore. I want to love openly and freely, without expectation of return. I want to love unconditionally. I want to offer my all to people, even if they may reject it. Because you know what? I love because He loved. In Him I find all I need, and therefore whatever the world tries to take will never leave me empty or lacking. He is sufficient.