I am sitting here in my room, struck by simplicity.
Simplicity, that's all. In my time in college, we study the complex ideas. We study theories, and humanity. We gaze into the past and try to make meaning of things....
But God is simple for me, tonight.
I seek Him out, and He is found. I ask for His presence to invade my life, and He brings heaven down.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
One thought
This blog is more about questions than answers. I like questions, because they are me. The answers are not mine, but God's. He is the answer. He's not afraid of the questions, so I will continue to ask, and in doing so, hopefully I will continue to learn who He is.
Monday, August 15, 2011
How does one live?
I don't want a small life.
I don't want a life of walls.
Jesus, I want a life of living. I want to be captured, enraptured, entrusted, and surrounded. I want to feel the rocks tremble in your holiness. I want to be told to remove my sandals on your holy ground.
But here's the problem. I don't really know how to live. I don't know how to make my days more... productive. I just want to be out there, with Your people. I want to love.
I'm sick of doing things for myself. I am sick of focusing on myself. That's the problem, you see? Being at school. I write papers, I complete service hours, I work... but all in order to fulfill the requirements for ME to graduate. I don't want to live that way... but it's almost like there's no other option.
Don't get me wrong, I try to serve others, and to do my work for the glory of the Lord... but it's still.. just.... work.
So I'm torn.
I'm torn between being here, and being at school. Here, I feel at ease being in love with You. Here, there is nothing challenging me to be so self-disciplined. But here, there's less. At school I can serve, but there I also feel alone. I feel like a dying breed.
I am also torn between sitting and doing. I love so much to live and serve, and to live my life loving others and God. But, I also... and so much, love to just... "marinate" in His presence. Its a funny word. But honestly, I just want to sit at His feet.
Lastly, I am torn between wanting to be significant and wanting to be insignificant. There's a real part of me that wants to do great things. The problem is... I'm not charismatic. I'm not someone who others are naturally drawn to. I don't really want to be in the spotlight... but I also am afraid that my lack of charm will lessen my dream. But then I remember, it's not really about me, is it? So then, I do want insignificance. "He must become greater; I must become less.” That's true, that's true. So why do I worry about being so small?
Lord, these are my thoughts. Transform me. I choose You.
I don't want a life of walls.
Jesus, I want a life of living. I want to be captured, enraptured, entrusted, and surrounded. I want to feel the rocks tremble in your holiness. I want to be told to remove my sandals on your holy ground.
But here's the problem. I don't really know how to live. I don't know how to make my days more... productive. I just want to be out there, with Your people. I want to love.
I'm sick of doing things for myself. I am sick of focusing on myself. That's the problem, you see? Being at school. I write papers, I complete service hours, I work... but all in order to fulfill the requirements for ME to graduate. I don't want to live that way... but it's almost like there's no other option.
Don't get me wrong, I try to serve others, and to do my work for the glory of the Lord... but it's still.. just.... work.
So I'm torn.
I'm torn between being here, and being at school. Here, I feel at ease being in love with You. Here, there is nothing challenging me to be so self-disciplined. But here, there's less. At school I can serve, but there I also feel alone. I feel like a dying breed.
I am also torn between sitting and doing. I love so much to live and serve, and to live my life loving others and God. But, I also... and so much, love to just... "marinate" in His presence. Its a funny word. But honestly, I just want to sit at His feet.
Lastly, I am torn between wanting to be significant and wanting to be insignificant. There's a real part of me that wants to do great things. The problem is... I'm not charismatic. I'm not someone who others are naturally drawn to. I don't really want to be in the spotlight... but I also am afraid that my lack of charm will lessen my dream. But then I remember, it's not really about me, is it? So then, I do want insignificance. "He must become greater; I must become less.” That's true, that's true. So why do I worry about being so small?
Lord, these are my thoughts. Transform me. I choose You.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
You make me happy!
I am thankful for what You've taught me. I am thankful that I am beginning to see the glory in Your design. I am happy that we're together.
And I am happy that I'm different. I am glad that I don't see things the same way as everyone else, because then I wouldn't see You the way that I do. I am happy. I am happy that I'm Yours.
And I am happy that I'm different. I am glad that I don't see things the same way as everyone else, because then I wouldn't see You the way that I do. I am happy. I am happy that I'm Yours.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Question:
I feel like I want something so bad, but don't know what to do about it. How do you keep that desire, if all it does is sit?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
God, grant me the strength to rest in You
So, it has recently been dawning on me how soon I have to return to Lee...
And honestly, I'm a little scared. I don't know if the 3 and a half weeks I have left here are enough time for me to... finish healing...
I feel like this summer I have been almost wrapped in a little cocoon, in which God is just working away at me. He keeps pulling at me.
And I keep being scared.
I don't really know what to say about this. I just know that the more I think about it, the more I feel like a dying breed at school... as alcohol, sex, bitterness, endless work, and a million other things take friend after friend. It even took me, I feel.
But, I'm coming back.
But, I need support.
So, I guess that's why the title of this post is named as it is. I need so much, and yet I have so little to give. But what I have, take it all.
And honestly, I'm a little scared. I don't know if the 3 and a half weeks I have left here are enough time for me to... finish healing...
I feel like this summer I have been almost wrapped in a little cocoon, in which God is just working away at me. He keeps pulling at me.
And I keep being scared.
I don't really know what to say about this. I just know that the more I think about it, the more I feel like a dying breed at school... as alcohol, sex, bitterness, endless work, and a million other things take friend after friend. It even took me, I feel.
But, I'm coming back.
But, I need support.
So, I guess that's why the title of this post is named as it is. I need so much, and yet I have so little to give. But what I have, take it all.
Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
I feel like I'm wrestling with God.
I can't do this alone. I need to be able to reach out and find another who can tell me how they made it up the rocky slopes.
I feel like I'm wrestling with God.
I can't do this alone. I need to be able to reach out and find another who can tell me how they made it up the rocky slopes.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Apparently, I'm an introvert.
These are some characteristics of an introverted person. The ones which most strongly apply to me are emphasized. I am literally shocked.
1. I like to have long, uninterrupted periods to work on projects, rather than small chunks.
2. I sometimes rehearse things before speaking, occasionally writing notes to myself.
3. I like to listen more than talk.
4. People sometimes think I’m quiet, mysterious, aloof or calm.
5. I usually need to think before I respond or speak.
6. I like to share special occasions with just one or two people, rather than have a big celebration.
7. I tend to notice details many people don’t see.
8. If two people have just had an argument, I feel the tension in the air.
9. If I say I’ll do something, I almost always do it.
10. I feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure.
11. I can zone out if too much is going on.
12. I like to watch an activity for awhile before joining in.
13. I form lasting relationships.
14. I don’t like to interrupt others; I don’t like to be interrupted.
15. When I take in lots of information, it takes me awhile to sort it out.
16. I don’t like overstimulating environments.
17. I sometimes have strong reactions to smells, tastes, foods, weather, and noise.
18. I am creative and/or imaginative.
19. I feel drained after social situations, even when I enjoy myself.
20. I prefer to be introduced rather than having to introduce others.
21. I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.
22. I can become grouchy if I’m around people or activities for too long.
23. I often dread returning phone calls.
24. I like people to come to my home, but I don’t like them to stay a long time.
25. I find my mind sometimes goes blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
26. I talk slowly or have gaps in my words, especially if I’m tired or if I’m trying to think and speak at once.
27. I don’t think of acquaintances as close friends.
28. I feel as if I can’t show other people my ideas until they’re fully formulated.
29. Other people may surprise me by thinking I’m smarter than I am.
1. I like to have long, uninterrupted periods to work on projects, rather than small chunks.
2. I sometimes rehearse things before speaking, occasionally writing notes to myself.
3. I like to listen more than talk.
4. People sometimes think I’m quiet, mysterious, aloof or calm.
5. I usually need to think before I respond or speak.
6. I like to share special occasions with just one or two people, rather than have a big celebration.
7. I tend to notice details many people don’t see.
8. If two people have just had an argument, I feel the tension in the air.
9. If I say I’ll do something, I almost always do it.
10. I feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure.
11. I can zone out if too much is going on.
12. I like to watch an activity for awhile before joining in.
13. I form lasting relationships.
14. I don’t like to interrupt others; I don’t like to be interrupted.
15. When I take in lots of information, it takes me awhile to sort it out.
16. I don’t like overstimulating environments.
17. I sometimes have strong reactions to smells, tastes, foods, weather, and noise.
18. I am creative and/or imaginative.
19. I feel drained after social situations, even when I enjoy myself.
20. I prefer to be introduced rather than having to introduce others.
21. I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.
22. I can become grouchy if I’m around people or activities for too long.
23. I often dread returning phone calls.
24. I like people to come to my home, but I don’t like them to stay a long time.
25. I find my mind sometimes goes blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
26. I talk slowly or have gaps in my words, especially if I’m tired or if I’m trying to think and speak at once.
27. I don’t think of acquaintances as close friends.
28. I feel as if I can’t show other people my ideas until they’re fully formulated.
29. Other people may surprise me by thinking I’m smarter than I am.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The problem today
Today, I find that the major issue that I am facing is boredom. Now, this is not a boredom that comes from a lack of things to do - I have filled many days like this, even this summer, with a large variety of things. Today, however, I cannot fake an interest in anything. I have no desire to watch the television, movies, read (except the Bible), or do much of anything else. I cleaned my room, because that felt productive... but I cleaned most of the rest of the house yesterday... so I'm at a little bit of a loss.
I have essentially determined that I am ruined for American life. I just want to go somewhere, and do something worthwhile for God. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do right here, right now, I will gladly accept.
Thanks, folks!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)
I have essentially determined that I am ruined for American life. I just want to go somewhere, and do something worthwhile for God. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do right here, right now, I will gladly accept.
Thanks, folks!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Too many thoughts for a blog... oh well.
I have really enjoyed being home for these past few weeks. I think that I have begun to really understand who I am meant to be, once again. It's refreshing.
With that, however, comes the evident need for God to fix me in some areas. There are a couple of issues that have plagued my heart and mind for years, and I think that God is trying to work on those things again.
The first thing that I know he is doing is to alter my perception on what I have to offer. I noticed while at a Bible study last night (Sunday) that while I have so many thoughts, even thoughts that completely relate to what we're discussing, I cannot speak them. I am bound to my silence, because there is that little voice in the back of my mind that constantly, constantly, constantly tells me that I have nothing to offer. Others can speak, but I must keep to myself. "No one cares. If you talk, it will only annoy everyone. You're stupider than you seem. 'Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.'" So yeah, I don't speak. I don't want to waste people's time. I can't handle another rejection. I don't know how God is wanting to deal with this one, but it is becoming apparent to me that he wants to. Good luck, God. Just know, I am open to all that you have for me.
The second thing, which is related to the first, has to do with my desire for someone who I can look up to. I look at my friends, many of whom have had someone older and wiser offer a relationship to them, and I am someone jealous. I can't imagine how many times I could have benefited from it, but I am also tired of asking. I've tried to seek out the wise, but I always feel like a nuisance. Whenever I feel this way, I frequently fall into a downward spiral of sadness and mild self-loathing. This past year, during the spring semester, I think God really began to deal with that in my. When I felt more overlooked and ignored than ever, he told me that he was so attentive to me. I trust him, I really do. But... I guess right now, I just don't feel it. I need wisdom. I need to be able to talk to someone - someone who I don't feel like I have to prove myself to. I really, really love God. I do. For some reason, all the past older, wiser people who have even been in my life for a moment, have shown a reluctance to believe that. But, it's true. So, God, whatever you want.
Due to the past two paragraphs, where I am revealing an inordinate amount of personal things... I am super reluctant to post this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't really want to ask anyone for anything. That's the way I am. If I ask too much of people, they will run. So... please don't run. You don't have to do anything else, but please just don't run.
The deepest, honestest truth: I am distracted.
I am distracted by my Saviour. It's inconvenient. Whenever I allow myself to live in his presence, for even a minute, it's all I can think about. But, I have a tendency to let that slip, because it's so consuming. Letting one little other thing grip me rips me away from that consuming reality of my Love. But right now, I think the most appropriate way to say where I am is by using a lyric:
I think what I mean is.. while God is distracting when I choose to look at him, the world sometimes distracts me. But, this time is different. I will give him my desires this time, and I intend to stand by my decision, protecting my "newly impassioned soul."
The other truth: God matters most, but after that... the only important thing is that you all know him. I can't say that enough. He LOVES you. He wants you. He suffered, and died at the hands of man, not just so that you could be with him, but so that HE could be with YOU. It's a crazy thought. It's love. Legitimate love. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
You've heard it before, but listen again: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
Sorry, I didn't mean to preach or anything like that at all. I just can't help it. It really breaks my heart when those I love don't see His love for them. YOU are the most important thing. Look for Him, the only one who can love you perfectly.
With that, however, comes the evident need for God to fix me in some areas. There are a couple of issues that have plagued my heart and mind for years, and I think that God is trying to work on those things again.
The first thing that I know he is doing is to alter my perception on what I have to offer. I noticed while at a Bible study last night (Sunday) that while I have so many thoughts, even thoughts that completely relate to what we're discussing, I cannot speak them. I am bound to my silence, because there is that little voice in the back of my mind that constantly, constantly, constantly tells me that I have nothing to offer. Others can speak, but I must keep to myself. "No one cares. If you talk, it will only annoy everyone. You're stupider than you seem. 'Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.'" So yeah, I don't speak. I don't want to waste people's time. I can't handle another rejection. I don't know how God is wanting to deal with this one, but it is becoming apparent to me that he wants to. Good luck, God. Just know, I am open to all that you have for me.
The second thing, which is related to the first, has to do with my desire for someone who I can look up to. I look at my friends, many of whom have had someone older and wiser offer a relationship to them, and I am someone jealous. I can't imagine how many times I could have benefited from it, but I am also tired of asking. I've tried to seek out the wise, but I always feel like a nuisance. Whenever I feel this way, I frequently fall into a downward spiral of sadness and mild self-loathing. This past year, during the spring semester, I think God really began to deal with that in my. When I felt more overlooked and ignored than ever, he told me that he was so attentive to me. I trust him, I really do. But... I guess right now, I just don't feel it. I need wisdom. I need to be able to talk to someone - someone who I don't feel like I have to prove myself to. I really, really love God. I do. For some reason, all the past older, wiser people who have even been in my life for a moment, have shown a reluctance to believe that. But, it's true. So, God, whatever you want.
Due to the past two paragraphs, where I am revealing an inordinate amount of personal things... I am super reluctant to post this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't really want to ask anyone for anything. That's the way I am. If I ask too much of people, they will run. So... please don't run. You don't have to do anything else, but please just don't run.
The deepest, honestest truth: I am distracted.
I am distracted by my Saviour. It's inconvenient. Whenever I allow myself to live in his presence, for even a minute, it's all I can think about. But, I have a tendency to let that slip, because it's so consuming. Letting one little other thing grip me rips me away from that consuming reality of my Love. But right now, I think the most appropriate way to say where I am is by using a lyric:
Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
I think what I mean is.. while God is distracting when I choose to look at him, the world sometimes distracts me. But, this time is different. I will give him my desires this time, and I intend to stand by my decision, protecting my "newly impassioned soul."
The other truth: God matters most, but after that... the only important thing is that you all know him. I can't say that enough. He LOVES you. He wants you. He suffered, and died at the hands of man, not just so that you could be with him, but so that HE could be with YOU. It's a crazy thought. It's love. Legitimate love. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
You've heard it before, but listen again: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
Sorry, I didn't mean to preach or anything like that at all. I just can't help it. It really breaks my heart when those I love don't see His love for them. YOU are the most important thing. Look for Him, the only one who can love you perfectly.
I am baffled by how much I need a church family right now.
Baffled.
I'm jealous of you all who have someone who cares enough to invest into your life. I need the wisdom of those wiser than me. Was there someone who was supposed to help guide me, too?
Lord, you know my heart. I leave it in your hands.
Baffled.
I'm jealous of you all who have someone who cares enough to invest into your life. I need the wisdom of those wiser than me. Was there someone who was supposed to help guide me, too?
Lord, you know my heart. I leave it in your hands.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Roll Away Your Stone
This song basically is how I feel for us:
Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside
Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I've seen
Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Thursday, July 14, 2011
C'est la vie
Sometimes I feel like my younger sisters don't know that they really can hurt my feelings.
oh well.
oh well.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Late night chaos
I need to never be awake late at night when I'm alone. I don't know why, but at night, everything gets serious. Everything is worse.
The problem with today though, was that the whole day felt like night. There was nothing that I could do about it, but the things I thought about - they were emergencies. I was in crisis mode all day long. I am so overwhelmed, and so afraid.
I need to trust in God. I really need his peace. I think that in order for things to change, it would take a miracle.
So tonight, I can't sleep. I just listen to Jon Foreman, and pray for him to meet me. I need a partner. Lord, please, please. You know what I need.
The problem with today though, was that the whole day felt like night. There was nothing that I could do about it, but the things I thought about - they were emergencies. I was in crisis mode all day long. I am so overwhelmed, and so afraid.
I need to trust in God. I really need his peace. I think that in order for things to change, it would take a miracle.
So tonight, I can't sleep. I just listen to Jon Foreman, and pray for him to meet me. I need a partner. Lord, please, please. You know what I need.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Mini-rant. Beware. And sorry in advance.
You know what annoys me? Being told that I only believe in Christianity because of my culture. Now, I will admit that my culture does influence my perception of God, even in many ways that I am not yet aware of, but that does not mean that my faith is only based on my culture.
Now, some may say that I only believe in Christianity because I was raised in a culture that is predominantly Christian, but that if I had been raised elsewhere, my religion would be different. I disagree with this. I believe, and quite firmly in fact, that I would still reach the conclusion that God is the one, true God, despite my upbringing. I think it is unfair for my culture to be leveled as an argument against my faith. I had no control over where I was born, and I will not claim that growing up in a christian culture is a weakness to my faith. I have not been converted to another faith, but that does not mean that I haven't taken my Christianity seriously.
Now, some may say that I only believe in Christianity because I was raised in a culture that is predominantly Christian, but that if I had been raised elsewhere, my religion would be different. I disagree with this. I believe, and quite firmly in fact, that I would still reach the conclusion that God is the one, true God, despite my upbringing. I think it is unfair for my culture to be leveled as an argument against my faith. I had no control over where I was born, and I will not claim that growing up in a christian culture is a weakness to my faith. I have not been converted to another faith, but that does not mean that I haven't taken my Christianity seriously.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14:6-7)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
So I was talking to Nicole last night about how we change over the years, and I really don't think that I've changed much since I was about 16. At that point, I pretty much knew who I was, and who I wanted to be. While small things and minor details have changed, that person, myself at 16, is pretty much who I still am today.
I feel like this might be true of me for a few reasons. The first of which is because I am very slow to change. As I go back and re-read some of the things I have written (even on this blog) over the years, I think I still feel largely the same as I did over the years. I am the same.
When I was 15, I made a list. On that list, I wrote down the characteristics of the kind of person that I wanted to be. Looking back on the list, it is kind of funny... but still it largely reflects the same questions I ask myself. This is some of it:
1) Actions/words/responses
-Behavior that is both appropriate and free
-Avoid immaturity
-Be sensitive to situations
2) Am I a reflection of Christ?
-Live in humility
-Serve those around me
-Show respect to those around me (especially in conversations)
-Love others, including enemies
-Honor my parents and sisters
3) Leadership?
-How should I influence others?
-Care for my relationships, individual persons
4) Personally
-Am I growing in my relationship with God?
-Am I growing in wisdom?
-Am I growing in passion?
-Am I facing struggles in my life?
5) As a future spouse/mother:
-Pray for my husband w/o making my future an idol
-Pray for my family
-Am I actively pursuing my future?
-Love children
I tried to make the list as comprehensive as possible, including all areas of life. After I made this list, I made another list of actions I could take to develop myself into being the person I wanted to be. I started cooking, cleaning, watching children, praying for patience, reading more, and trying to give all of my attention to someone when in conversation with them (instead of looking around/thinking about myself or other things).
I just thought that was interesting. I think I have always wanted to be the kind of person who builds people up, and who is nice to be around. However, I didn't want this to compromise my integrity or character.
Just some thoughts.... I really was a weird 15 year old.
I feel like this might be true of me for a few reasons. The first of which is because I am very slow to change. As I go back and re-read some of the things I have written (even on this blog) over the years, I think I still feel largely the same as I did over the years. I am the same.
When I was 15, I made a list. On that list, I wrote down the characteristics of the kind of person that I wanted to be. Looking back on the list, it is kind of funny... but still it largely reflects the same questions I ask myself. This is some of it:
1) Actions/words/responses
-Behavior that is both appropriate and free
-Avoid immaturity
-Be sensitive to situations
2) Am I a reflection of Christ?
-Live in humility
-Serve those around me
-Show respect to those around me (especially in conversations)
-Love others, including enemies
-Honor my parents and sisters
3) Leadership?
-How should I influence others?
-Care for my relationships, individual persons
4) Personally
-Am I growing in my relationship with God?
-Am I growing in wisdom?
-Am I growing in passion?
-Am I facing struggles in my life?
5) As a future spouse/mother:
-Pray for my husband w/o making my future an idol
-Pray for my family
-Am I actively pursuing my future?
-Love children
I tried to make the list as comprehensive as possible, including all areas of life. After I made this list, I made another list of actions I could take to develop myself into being the person I wanted to be. I started cooking, cleaning, watching children, praying for patience, reading more, and trying to give all of my attention to someone when in conversation with them (instead of looking around/thinking about myself or other things).
I just thought that was interesting. I think I have always wanted to be the kind of person who builds people up, and who is nice to be around. However, I didn't want this to compromise my integrity or character.
Just some thoughts.... I really was a weird 15 year old.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I think I like today. It's sunny, and I'm happy.
I think I would like to do something creative, but I'm not sure what. I want to accomplish something this summer, anyway. I have been home this week, and while I usually feel lonely and sad being in Spring Hill, this time I'm actually okay.
I am debating a few things in my mind right now... and I'm not quite sure what to do about some stuff. But, it's okay. Just live, and trust. I want to have a good conversation though - with someone unexpected. I want to connect. I want to be happy. I want to be a people person. Haha.
At the end of the day, I still want to be beautiful. I want to exude beauty in my every word and action, not to mention in my appearance. But I want that beauty to come from God. I want Him to consume my being, and I want to be eternally hidden in Christ.
So, onward, precious one. Remember this, if only this: You ARE enough. Christ has made you and called you to Himself, and in Him, you are enough. You are beautiful enough. You are strong enough. You are capable enough. And who you are is enough to give everything for. You're worth living for, worth fighting for, and worth dying for. Remember, and as always: Onward.
I think I would like to do something creative, but I'm not sure what. I want to accomplish something this summer, anyway. I have been home this week, and while I usually feel lonely and sad being in Spring Hill, this time I'm actually okay.
I am debating a few things in my mind right now... and I'm not quite sure what to do about some stuff. But, it's okay. Just live, and trust. I want to have a good conversation though - with someone unexpected. I want to connect. I want to be happy. I want to be a people person. Haha.
At the end of the day, I still want to be beautiful. I want to exude beauty in my every word and action, not to mention in my appearance. But I want that beauty to come from God. I want Him to consume my being, and I want to be eternally hidden in Christ.
So, onward, precious one. Remember this, if only this: You ARE enough. Christ has made you and called you to Himself, and in Him, you are enough. You are beautiful enough. You are strong enough. You are capable enough. And who you are is enough to give everything for. You're worth living for, worth fighting for, and worth dying for. Remember, and as always: Onward.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Be Near, O God
Everything always falls apart at once. Or maybe, things were already falling apart, and I just notice all the broken pieces at once. I just want You, my Lord. Please, hold me. No one else can.
Your fullness is mine
revelation divine
but, o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace...
for dark is light to You
the depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord
i need to hear from You
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wants
All I really want is to be surrounded by people who really love Christ, and will give their lives to Him.
Please, please... can I have that?
Please, please... can I have that?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Thought of the morning while stalking people on facebook who I think are cool but I don't know very well, probably because of how I met them.
I always think it's weird how the context in which you met someone has such a power to influence the kind of relationship you'll have with them after that.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Elenowen!
Listen to "The Storm" by elenowen. It's practically the best song every written. If someone is musically inclined and can learn it and play it, I will give you sometime. I don't know what, but I will. Kbye.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sigh.
"Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not."
"Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really know us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up—not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own."
"Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really know us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up—not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Carried to the Table
Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
Friday, April 22, 2011
Mon Chérie
I'm sick of boxing up my hopes and dreams.
I'm also tired of modern Christianity. I don't think that it's fair that we've made it all about ourselves. The simple truth: nothing is about us anymore. I have given my life to Christ, and in Him is the only way I find myself. My purpose is not to discover the easiest life for me, and it is not to dream small dreams for a small God.
There have been many times in my life when I have wanted to give it up. I don't know how I mean to do this, because I know that I simply cannot walk away from God. It's un-do-able. So what do I do then? I stay, dreaming for everyone to know Him, and allowing Him to use me in whatever way He chooses.
My Saviour, who has given me everything, has asked only two things from me: 1) to love Him, and 2) to love others. I want to do both of those things. I want to love Him, because quite honestly, I can't see not loving Him after all He has done for me. I also want to love others as I have been loved. I know that God's love is compelling, His mercy is intoxicating, and His presence is fulfilling. I know all of these things because even though I am not the most lovable person, He took from me the reality of an empty and wasted life. He took away certain loneliness, and certain hopelessness. He took from me my greatest fears. He took my hate, my lust, and my greed onto his shoulders, and gave me righteousness instead. When all I've done deserves not only disgust, but also the brutal-est punishments of worst kind, He jumped in front of me.
And He knows that I won't understand what He did. I will never understand all of what I have been given. And He's okay with that. He doesn't even expect me to love Him first.
He loves you too. I'm not naive enough to think that you'll believe that just because I said it, but I do want you to know. I've always detested the notion of someone being less than someone else, because you know, we're all completely unworthy. The thing that makes it so perfect - the thing that humans never seem to understand - is that God doesn't abandon us. He never looks at you and says, "Well, that's just too bad. You've hurt me too much, and you're strayed too far. I'm done with you."
You're actually the pearl He seeks out. You may be hurt, confused, and angry, but you're no less loved.
I've always wanted to name my daughter Chérie. In French, this means "cherished." I can hear God naming me the same way.
I'm also tired of modern Christianity. I don't think that it's fair that we've made it all about ourselves. The simple truth: nothing is about us anymore. I have given my life to Christ, and in Him is the only way I find myself. My purpose is not to discover the easiest life for me, and it is not to dream small dreams for a small God.
There have been many times in my life when I have wanted to give it up. I don't know how I mean to do this, because I know that I simply cannot walk away from God. It's un-do-able. So what do I do then? I stay, dreaming for everyone to know Him, and allowing Him to use me in whatever way He chooses.
My Saviour, who has given me everything, has asked only two things from me: 1) to love Him, and 2) to love others. I want to do both of those things. I want to love Him, because quite honestly, I can't see not loving Him after all He has done for me. I also want to love others as I have been loved. I know that God's love is compelling, His mercy is intoxicating, and His presence is fulfilling. I know all of these things because even though I am not the most lovable person, He took from me the reality of an empty and wasted life. He took away certain loneliness, and certain hopelessness. He took from me my greatest fears. He took my hate, my lust, and my greed onto his shoulders, and gave me righteousness instead. When all I've done deserves not only disgust, but also the brutal-est punishments of worst kind, He jumped in front of me.
And He knows that I won't understand what He did. I will never understand all of what I have been given. And He's okay with that. He doesn't even expect me to love Him first.
He loves you too. I'm not naive enough to think that you'll believe that just because I said it, but I do want you to know. I've always detested the notion of someone being less than someone else, because you know, we're all completely unworthy. The thing that makes it so perfect - the thing that humans never seem to understand - is that God doesn't abandon us. He never looks at you and says, "Well, that's just too bad. You've hurt me too much, and you're strayed too far. I'm done with you."
You're actually the pearl He seeks out. You may be hurt, confused, and angry, but you're no less loved.
I've always wanted to name my daughter Chérie. In French, this means "cherished." I can hear God naming me the same way.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
frustrating dreams
I don't even know today.
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. It's almost like I can't focus on anything, ever. I feel like everything I've ever wanted is right in front of my fingertips, and I just can't reach out and grab it. It perpetually swings, swings, swings in front of me, and I will never hold it in my grasp.
And then, some days I ask myself, does it even matter? Does it matter if my life isn't what I hoped it would be? Does it matter, as long as I can still have my relationship with my God?
I don't know. I don't even know.
I want so much. I feel like it's sitting there before me, again. My dreams taunt me - entice me to drop what I'm holding and grab onto them. But what if I'm holding a diamond and longing for plastic? What if I'm holding plastic and too afraid to release it for the diamond? GAH! WILL I EVER KNOW?
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. It's almost like I can't focus on anything, ever. I feel like everything I've ever wanted is right in front of my fingertips, and I just can't reach out and grab it. It perpetually swings, swings, swings in front of me, and I will never hold it in my grasp.
And then, some days I ask myself, does it even matter? Does it matter if my life isn't what I hoped it would be? Does it matter, as long as I can still have my relationship with my God?
I don't know. I don't even know.
I want so much. I feel like it's sitting there before me, again. My dreams taunt me - entice me to drop what I'm holding and grab onto them. But what if I'm holding a diamond and longing for plastic? What if I'm holding plastic and too afraid to release it for the diamond? GAH! WILL I EVER KNOW?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Ojalá
Lately I've had an addiction to writing. That's really the reason I keep coming back here. Unfortunately, this addiction has not as of yet influenced my several looming (I think this is a good word) papers that want to be written. I think about 3 weeks ago, I had a passion for Middlemarch. I wanted to show the way that George Eliot saw God as a cause for failure, and the walking away from Him as a strength. So... I wrote. I got 8 pages out, and now I dread going back to it. It's not so much that I don't think I can do it, it's just the preparation that writing a literary research paper requires. I guess I'm a bit burnt out, and I don't know exactly how I am going to write about another 28-30 pages this semester. I sincerely cannot do it.
But I will. I will write all those pages. They will be decent. I will make grades that are acceptable. I will graduate with honors in a year.
Isn't it odd - odd that I can say those things with certainty? It makes me think of Tom Sterbens. He once said that like Paul, we're all confident in something. Paul was confident - assured, persuaded, etc - in his identity before he met God. After God met him, Paul's confidence changed. He said,
I want that to be true of me. Right now, I sometimes feel more certain of my ability to succeed than I feel in God's true and everlasting love. I hope this changes soon. The only word I can think to use here is "Ojalá" (God willing).
Just my thoughts this morning.
But I will. I will write all those pages. They will be decent. I will make grades that are acceptable. I will graduate with honors in a year.
Isn't it odd - odd that I can say those things with certainty? It makes me think of Tom Sterbens. He once said that like Paul, we're all confident in something. Paul was confident - assured, persuaded, etc - in his identity before he met God. After God met him, Paul's confidence changed. He said,
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39
I want that to be true of me. Right now, I sometimes feel more certain of my ability to succeed than I feel in God's true and everlasting love. I hope this changes soon. The only word I can think to use here is "Ojalá" (God willing).
Just my thoughts this morning.
Monday, April 18, 2011
So periodically I shake, but tonight was insane. I was shaking so much that when I was lying down with my knees bent and my laptop on my legs, I couldn't even keep my legs bent. Wow that's difficult to describe. Wonder what that was about...
Last note: I really want to just sit at His feet. Just, be.
Last note: I really want to just sit at His feet. Just, be.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Everybody has been breaking up lately. I don't like breakups. I've never wanted to date many people, so I can't imagine breaking up with someone. Even if I wanted to (and I'm not saying that I do), I doubt if I could do it.
Another cup of ice coffee. I should fear a caffeine addiction, but I don't. I think the only thing I could be addicted to is aspartame. Meh. Mind over matter
Another cup of ice coffee. I should fear a caffeine addiction, but I don't. I think the only thing I could be addicted to is aspartame. Meh. Mind over matter
Thursday, April 14, 2011
If distance is right I'd rather be wrong
I have made about 6 pitchers of ice coffee in the past week. And I've drank the majority of the coffee within those pitchers. Haha.
I am currently avoiding my homework, because well, I don't know what to write for my poem. Last night at writer's group at Bethanielle's house, we practiced stream of consciousness writing, so I thought I could use that... but I'm not really certain. Anyway, I still have quite a few things to do tonight, but nothing that alarming. I am hoping to start researching for my papers this weekend. We'll see how that goes. If I can have a draft of my 20 pager done by next Friday, I will consider that an amazing accomplishment. I feel I can do it.
Aside from that, I am just generally happy lately. Things seems to be going fairly well. I have to say, I am every day more in love with my God. He holds my world together. There's really no other way to put it. I think one of the main reasons why I love Brooke Fraser so much is because she has put into words the one thought that popped into my mind about 4 years ago, and has been true ever since:
I don't really know how to explain what I feel, but some days, I just get so distracted. God is simply so wonderfully faithful and good, that I just can't help but get lost in thinking about Him. I don't ever want to do anything more than just sit at His feet. Just sit. I don't care much about dancing or singing, or laughing or witnessing miracles - I just want to be with Him. Is that too much to ask for?
Another thing: I cleaned my apartment today. Like, really cleaned it. I haven't done that in forever. Yeah!
I've also been occupying my thoughts with the future. I straddle the line between explosive excited and immensely intimidated. Oh dear, you know what I am talking about. Each and every one of you does.
I've also been feeling more confident lately. I am not exactly sure why, but I just feel capable of succeeding. It's okay.
So I leave you with this. See you sometime in the future, when my days are less packed, and I've accomplished far more.
I am currently avoiding my homework, because well, I don't know what to write for my poem. Last night at writer's group at Bethanielle's house, we practiced stream of consciousness writing, so I thought I could use that... but I'm not really certain. Anyway, I still have quite a few things to do tonight, but nothing that alarming. I am hoping to start researching for my papers this weekend. We'll see how that goes. If I can have a draft of my 20 pager done by next Friday, I will consider that an amazing accomplishment. I feel I can do it.
Aside from that, I am just generally happy lately. Things seems to be going fairly well. I have to say, I am every day more in love with my God. He holds my world together. There's really no other way to put it. I think one of the main reasons why I love Brooke Fraser so much is because she has put into words the one thought that popped into my mind about 4 years ago, and has been true ever since:
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
I don't really know how to explain what I feel, but some days, I just get so distracted. God is simply so wonderfully faithful and good, that I just can't help but get lost in thinking about Him. I don't ever want to do anything more than just sit at His feet. Just sit. I don't care much about dancing or singing, or laughing or witnessing miracles - I just want to be with Him. Is that too much to ask for?
Another thing: I cleaned my apartment today. Like, really cleaned it. I haven't done that in forever. Yeah!
I've also been occupying my thoughts with the future. I straddle the line between explosive excited and immensely intimidated. Oh dear, you know what I am talking about. Each and every one of you does.
I've also been feeling more confident lately. I am not exactly sure why, but I just feel capable of succeeding. It's okay.
So I leave you with this. See you sometime in the future, when my days are less packed, and I've accomplished far more.
Monday, January 24, 2011
So, I wanted to find a good way to relate the occurrences of my life as of late, and to do so, I have decided on just posting en entry from my own journal. Mind you, this was not meant for public eyes, but it's there anyway. This is so you all can know that I have a wonderful God, and that He is the most important thing in my life. If I am going to prattle on about anything, I want it to be about Him. So here goes.
Last night was so… weird. I mean, really really good, but weird nonetheless. We had Amy’s surprise birthday party here, and while a bunch of people were upstairs in Nicole’s room playing her guitar, Kelsey, Ellie, Bethany, Caley, Ben, Travis, and I (and sometimes Danya) sat in the living room and talked about God. Well, I didn’t really say anything, I just listened and thought. After talking for a while, Kelsey and Ellie wanted to have a time of worship, so I went and got Nicole’s smaller guitar from upstairs, and they just sang. I knew it was coming – I was somewhat embarrassed because I knew that as soon as they started playing, I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. They were inevitable at this point. Even the other day while sitting in my Spanish class the teacher played a worship song in Spanish, and I couldn’t help by cry. It was pretty embarrassing.
So back to last night… I cried for a while, just asking God all of these questions that have been in my mind. I felt completely ashamed of myself for my mistakes – unworthy of God’s forgiveness. I felt overlooked by many people whom I had wished would love me – and felt the sting in my heart that claimed, “They never loved you. You’re not good enough” as waves of pain washed over me. On top of this, I was hopeless, forgetting to trust in God to keep His word. I was burnt out, and completely unsure of His promises.
That’s when Ellie suggested that we pray for one another. We all got close together, and then she said that she wanted to start with me. I expected it. You see, by this point everyone had seen me ball my eyes out for a good 45 minutes, which was a good blow to my pride too. I didn’t care anymore though. I whispered to God, “Whatever You have for me, I’ll take it. I’m not too proud to receive anything anymore.”
Everyone prayed silently at first, and then Ellie said, “I hear God say the word ‘proud.’ He’s proud of you.” Kelsey agreed with that. That was what first hit me. The meaning behind that simple word carries all the way back to the beginning of my relationship with God, when I sat in 8th grade, hoping to hear God’s voice for the first time. I wanted to know, was He proud of me? Through the years and the churches, one of the most haunting realities that followed me was the people who constantly seemed to answer, “No, God’s not proud, and neither are we. We don’t trust you, and you’re not good.” With this background, simply having God start out by saying that He is proud of me meant more than I can possibly express. It caught my attention, and dispelled any doubt that He was there.
They went on to say that God wanted me to know how attentive He is to me. Again, this shocked me. Literally, right before that I had been asking God through an explosion of tears and a bath of pain why it was that I felt so overlooked. And He answered, claiming that He Himself, my Creator and Saviour, was attentive to me. He doesn’t overlook me. He cares. The pain subsided, and peace began to wash over me instead.
Next, He reminded me that He is faithful to His promises, and will do what He says. Someone also said that they thought He was saying “This burden was never meant for you to carry, and He wants to bring you so much joy when he lifts it and brings restoration to it.” Wow. It was at that moment when I realized that I have carried the burden of other’s (some who are close to me) salvation/relationship with God for over a year now, and that it’s not my burden to carry. However, He confirmed in me that His promises to bring that restoration to them are still good, and that He will be faithful to me.
Okay, take a breath before we continue. I know I need to.
Then Kelsey said that God wanted me to know that when I am in my bed at night in the dark, longing to know that He’s there or that He’s listening, that He is there. It was amazing, because I don’t know how many nights I’ve curled on my bed, just wishing He would be there and truly meaning it when I said that I would give anything, anything to feel His presence. In those nights when I’ve cried out in desperation for Him, He’s been there all along. I hope He helps me understand that more fully.
A few people also said that God is going to use my hospitality and my mothering heart in my future and in my life. That brings me so much joy, because that’s one thing that I have always hoped for. I want to have a home open to people to come and be safe, and to find Jesus. They said my home would be a refuge, and a home of peace. Of peace! They told me that God said not to be tame in my dreams, but that my imagination was to run wild with Him. He can bring them to completion.
And then Ben said that God told him that I should not compare my Christianity with others. It’s a very personal thing, and that’s okay. And Kelsey said that He’s going to begin to reignite a passion for those I used to pray for, before I lost hope. This is amazing, because I want to do this so badly, and now that He has begun to restore me, I feel that I finally can.
So to sum it up, Kelsey said that God told her that night was specifically made for me. Like, it was for everyone, but that God wanted to do something in me that night. That God the Father delighted in me as His daughter, and wanted to bring me joy. I think He had this happen with people so that it would bring me the connection and friends that I have longed for, and I am to utterly blown away. None of those things said could have been more perfect. I didn’t think that my doubt could ever be that eradicated, but He wants to do it. I don’t really know what to think, but I am so grateful for those people, and mostly for my Saviour, who after everything still loves me.
Two verses that have stuck with me since then are two that we talked about that night: 2 Corinthians 5:21 and Colossians 3:3. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” Because of Jesus, God looks at us and doesn’t see our mistakes or sin, but only the righteousness of Christ. To Him, He looks on us and sees us as though we never even made a mistake. I betrayed my Lord, and yet He gives me His righteousness and takes my sin and death! It’s completely unbelievable. Colossians 3:3 says, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” When God looks at our life, as Ellie described it, “It’s like you’re wrapped in a big Jesus blanket and God is looking through it saying, ‘All I see here is Jesus!’” I want my life to be hidden in Christ.
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