I am thankful for what You've taught me. I am thankful that I am beginning to see the glory in Your design. I am happy that we're together.
And I am happy that I'm different. I am glad that I don't see things the same way as everyone else, because then I wouldn't see You the way that I do. I am happy. I am happy that I'm Yours.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Question:
I feel like I want something so bad, but don't know what to do about it. How do you keep that desire, if all it does is sit?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
God, grant me the strength to rest in You
So, it has recently been dawning on me how soon I have to return to Lee...
And honestly, I'm a little scared. I don't know if the 3 and a half weeks I have left here are enough time for me to... finish healing...
I feel like this summer I have been almost wrapped in a little cocoon, in which God is just working away at me. He keeps pulling at me.
And I keep being scared.
I don't really know what to say about this. I just know that the more I think about it, the more I feel like a dying breed at school... as alcohol, sex, bitterness, endless work, and a million other things take friend after friend. It even took me, I feel.
But, I'm coming back.
But, I need support.
So, I guess that's why the title of this post is named as it is. I need so much, and yet I have so little to give. But what I have, take it all.
And honestly, I'm a little scared. I don't know if the 3 and a half weeks I have left here are enough time for me to... finish healing...
I feel like this summer I have been almost wrapped in a little cocoon, in which God is just working away at me. He keeps pulling at me.
And I keep being scared.
I don't really know what to say about this. I just know that the more I think about it, the more I feel like a dying breed at school... as alcohol, sex, bitterness, endless work, and a million other things take friend after friend. It even took me, I feel.
But, I'm coming back.
But, I need support.
So, I guess that's why the title of this post is named as it is. I need so much, and yet I have so little to give. But what I have, take it all.
Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
I feel like I'm wrestling with God.
I can't do this alone. I need to be able to reach out and find another who can tell me how they made it up the rocky slopes.
I feel like I'm wrestling with God.
I can't do this alone. I need to be able to reach out and find another who can tell me how they made it up the rocky slopes.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Apparently, I'm an introvert.
These are some characteristics of an introverted person. The ones which most strongly apply to me are emphasized. I am literally shocked.
1. I like to have long, uninterrupted periods to work on projects, rather than small chunks.
2. I sometimes rehearse things before speaking, occasionally writing notes to myself.
3. I like to listen more than talk.
4. People sometimes think I’m quiet, mysterious, aloof or calm.
5. I usually need to think before I respond or speak.
6. I like to share special occasions with just one or two people, rather than have a big celebration.
7. I tend to notice details many people don’t see.
8. If two people have just had an argument, I feel the tension in the air.
9. If I say I’ll do something, I almost always do it.
10. I feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure.
11. I can zone out if too much is going on.
12. I like to watch an activity for awhile before joining in.
13. I form lasting relationships.
14. I don’t like to interrupt others; I don’t like to be interrupted.
15. When I take in lots of information, it takes me awhile to sort it out.
16. I don’t like overstimulating environments.
17. I sometimes have strong reactions to smells, tastes, foods, weather, and noise.
18. I am creative and/or imaginative.
19. I feel drained after social situations, even when I enjoy myself.
20. I prefer to be introduced rather than having to introduce others.
21. I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.
22. I can become grouchy if I’m around people or activities for too long.
23. I often dread returning phone calls.
24. I like people to come to my home, but I don’t like them to stay a long time.
25. I find my mind sometimes goes blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
26. I talk slowly or have gaps in my words, especially if I’m tired or if I’m trying to think and speak at once.
27. I don’t think of acquaintances as close friends.
28. I feel as if I can’t show other people my ideas until they’re fully formulated.
29. Other people may surprise me by thinking I’m smarter than I am.
1. I like to have long, uninterrupted periods to work on projects, rather than small chunks.
2. I sometimes rehearse things before speaking, occasionally writing notes to myself.
3. I like to listen more than talk.
4. People sometimes think I’m quiet, mysterious, aloof or calm.
5. I usually need to think before I respond or speak.
6. I like to share special occasions with just one or two people, rather than have a big celebration.
7. I tend to notice details many people don’t see.
8. If two people have just had an argument, I feel the tension in the air.
9. If I say I’ll do something, I almost always do it.
10. I feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure.
11. I can zone out if too much is going on.
12. I like to watch an activity for awhile before joining in.
13. I form lasting relationships.
14. I don’t like to interrupt others; I don’t like to be interrupted.
15. When I take in lots of information, it takes me awhile to sort it out.
16. I don’t like overstimulating environments.
17. I sometimes have strong reactions to smells, tastes, foods, weather, and noise.
18. I am creative and/or imaginative.
19. I feel drained after social situations, even when I enjoy myself.
20. I prefer to be introduced rather than having to introduce others.
21. I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.
22. I can become grouchy if I’m around people or activities for too long.
23. I often dread returning phone calls.
24. I like people to come to my home, but I don’t like them to stay a long time.
25. I find my mind sometimes goes blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
26. I talk slowly or have gaps in my words, especially if I’m tired or if I’m trying to think and speak at once.
27. I don’t think of acquaintances as close friends.
28. I feel as if I can’t show other people my ideas until they’re fully formulated.
29. Other people may surprise me by thinking I’m smarter than I am.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The problem today
Today, I find that the major issue that I am facing is boredom. Now, this is not a boredom that comes from a lack of things to do - I have filled many days like this, even this summer, with a large variety of things. Today, however, I cannot fake an interest in anything. I have no desire to watch the television, movies, read (except the Bible), or do much of anything else. I cleaned my room, because that felt productive... but I cleaned most of the rest of the house yesterday... so I'm at a little bit of a loss.
I have essentially determined that I am ruined for American life. I just want to go somewhere, and do something worthwhile for God. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do right here, right now, I will gladly accept.
Thanks, folks!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)
I have essentially determined that I am ruined for American life. I just want to go somewhere, and do something worthwhile for God. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do right here, right now, I will gladly accept.
Thanks, folks!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Too many thoughts for a blog... oh well.
I have really enjoyed being home for these past few weeks. I think that I have begun to really understand who I am meant to be, once again. It's refreshing.
With that, however, comes the evident need for God to fix me in some areas. There are a couple of issues that have plagued my heart and mind for years, and I think that God is trying to work on those things again.
The first thing that I know he is doing is to alter my perception on what I have to offer. I noticed while at a Bible study last night (Sunday) that while I have so many thoughts, even thoughts that completely relate to what we're discussing, I cannot speak them. I am bound to my silence, because there is that little voice in the back of my mind that constantly, constantly, constantly tells me that I have nothing to offer. Others can speak, but I must keep to myself. "No one cares. If you talk, it will only annoy everyone. You're stupider than you seem. 'Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.'" So yeah, I don't speak. I don't want to waste people's time. I can't handle another rejection. I don't know how God is wanting to deal with this one, but it is becoming apparent to me that he wants to. Good luck, God. Just know, I am open to all that you have for me.
The second thing, which is related to the first, has to do with my desire for someone who I can look up to. I look at my friends, many of whom have had someone older and wiser offer a relationship to them, and I am someone jealous. I can't imagine how many times I could have benefited from it, but I am also tired of asking. I've tried to seek out the wise, but I always feel like a nuisance. Whenever I feel this way, I frequently fall into a downward spiral of sadness and mild self-loathing. This past year, during the spring semester, I think God really began to deal with that in my. When I felt more overlooked and ignored than ever, he told me that he was so attentive to me. I trust him, I really do. But... I guess right now, I just don't feel it. I need wisdom. I need to be able to talk to someone - someone who I don't feel like I have to prove myself to. I really, really love God. I do. For some reason, all the past older, wiser people who have even been in my life for a moment, have shown a reluctance to believe that. But, it's true. So, God, whatever you want.
Due to the past two paragraphs, where I am revealing an inordinate amount of personal things... I am super reluctant to post this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't really want to ask anyone for anything. That's the way I am. If I ask too much of people, they will run. So... please don't run. You don't have to do anything else, but please just don't run.
The deepest, honestest truth: I am distracted.
I am distracted by my Saviour. It's inconvenient. Whenever I allow myself to live in his presence, for even a minute, it's all I can think about. But, I have a tendency to let that slip, because it's so consuming. Letting one little other thing grip me rips me away from that consuming reality of my Love. But right now, I think the most appropriate way to say where I am is by using a lyric:
I think what I mean is.. while God is distracting when I choose to look at him, the world sometimes distracts me. But, this time is different. I will give him my desires this time, and I intend to stand by my decision, protecting my "newly impassioned soul."
The other truth: God matters most, but after that... the only important thing is that you all know him. I can't say that enough. He LOVES you. He wants you. He suffered, and died at the hands of man, not just so that you could be with him, but so that HE could be with YOU. It's a crazy thought. It's love. Legitimate love. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
You've heard it before, but listen again: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
Sorry, I didn't mean to preach or anything like that at all. I just can't help it. It really breaks my heart when those I love don't see His love for them. YOU are the most important thing. Look for Him, the only one who can love you perfectly.
With that, however, comes the evident need for God to fix me in some areas. There are a couple of issues that have plagued my heart and mind for years, and I think that God is trying to work on those things again.
The first thing that I know he is doing is to alter my perception on what I have to offer. I noticed while at a Bible study last night (Sunday) that while I have so many thoughts, even thoughts that completely relate to what we're discussing, I cannot speak them. I am bound to my silence, because there is that little voice in the back of my mind that constantly, constantly, constantly tells me that I have nothing to offer. Others can speak, but I must keep to myself. "No one cares. If you talk, it will only annoy everyone. You're stupider than you seem. 'Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.'" So yeah, I don't speak. I don't want to waste people's time. I can't handle another rejection. I don't know how God is wanting to deal with this one, but it is becoming apparent to me that he wants to. Good luck, God. Just know, I am open to all that you have for me.
The second thing, which is related to the first, has to do with my desire for someone who I can look up to. I look at my friends, many of whom have had someone older and wiser offer a relationship to them, and I am someone jealous. I can't imagine how many times I could have benefited from it, but I am also tired of asking. I've tried to seek out the wise, but I always feel like a nuisance. Whenever I feel this way, I frequently fall into a downward spiral of sadness and mild self-loathing. This past year, during the spring semester, I think God really began to deal with that in my. When I felt more overlooked and ignored than ever, he told me that he was so attentive to me. I trust him, I really do. But... I guess right now, I just don't feel it. I need wisdom. I need to be able to talk to someone - someone who I don't feel like I have to prove myself to. I really, really love God. I do. For some reason, all the past older, wiser people who have even been in my life for a moment, have shown a reluctance to believe that. But, it's true. So, God, whatever you want.
Due to the past two paragraphs, where I am revealing an inordinate amount of personal things... I am super reluctant to post this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't really want to ask anyone for anything. That's the way I am. If I ask too much of people, they will run. So... please don't run. You don't have to do anything else, but please just don't run.
The deepest, honestest truth: I am distracted.
I am distracted by my Saviour. It's inconvenient. Whenever I allow myself to live in his presence, for even a minute, it's all I can think about. But, I have a tendency to let that slip, because it's so consuming. Letting one little other thing grip me rips me away from that consuming reality of my Love. But right now, I think the most appropriate way to say where I am is by using a lyric:
Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
I think what I mean is.. while God is distracting when I choose to look at him, the world sometimes distracts me. But, this time is different. I will give him my desires this time, and I intend to stand by my decision, protecting my "newly impassioned soul."
The other truth: God matters most, but after that... the only important thing is that you all know him. I can't say that enough. He LOVES you. He wants you. He suffered, and died at the hands of man, not just so that you could be with him, but so that HE could be with YOU. It's a crazy thought. It's love. Legitimate love. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
You've heard it before, but listen again: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
Sorry, I didn't mean to preach or anything like that at all. I just can't help it. It really breaks my heart when those I love don't see His love for them. YOU are the most important thing. Look for Him, the only one who can love you perfectly.
I am baffled by how much I need a church family right now.
Baffled.
I'm jealous of you all who have someone who cares enough to invest into your life. I need the wisdom of those wiser than me. Was there someone who was supposed to help guide me, too?
Lord, you know my heart. I leave it in your hands.
Baffled.
I'm jealous of you all who have someone who cares enough to invest into your life. I need the wisdom of those wiser than me. Was there someone who was supposed to help guide me, too?
Lord, you know my heart. I leave it in your hands.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Roll Away Your Stone
This song basically is how I feel for us:
Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside
Cause you told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I see
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I've seen
Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Thursday, July 14, 2011
C'est la vie
Sometimes I feel like my younger sisters don't know that they really can hurt my feelings.
oh well.
oh well.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Late night chaos
I need to never be awake late at night when I'm alone. I don't know why, but at night, everything gets serious. Everything is worse.
The problem with today though, was that the whole day felt like night. There was nothing that I could do about it, but the things I thought about - they were emergencies. I was in crisis mode all day long. I am so overwhelmed, and so afraid.
I need to trust in God. I really need his peace. I think that in order for things to change, it would take a miracle.
So tonight, I can't sleep. I just listen to Jon Foreman, and pray for him to meet me. I need a partner. Lord, please, please. You know what I need.
The problem with today though, was that the whole day felt like night. There was nothing that I could do about it, but the things I thought about - they were emergencies. I was in crisis mode all day long. I am so overwhelmed, and so afraid.
I need to trust in God. I really need his peace. I think that in order for things to change, it would take a miracle.
So tonight, I can't sleep. I just listen to Jon Foreman, and pray for him to meet me. I need a partner. Lord, please, please. You know what I need.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Mini-rant. Beware. And sorry in advance.
You know what annoys me? Being told that I only believe in Christianity because of my culture. Now, I will admit that my culture does influence my perception of God, even in many ways that I am not yet aware of, but that does not mean that my faith is only based on my culture.
Now, some may say that I only believe in Christianity because I was raised in a culture that is predominantly Christian, but that if I had been raised elsewhere, my religion would be different. I disagree with this. I believe, and quite firmly in fact, that I would still reach the conclusion that God is the one, true God, despite my upbringing. I think it is unfair for my culture to be leveled as an argument against my faith. I had no control over where I was born, and I will not claim that growing up in a christian culture is a weakness to my faith. I have not been converted to another faith, but that does not mean that I haven't taken my Christianity seriously.
Now, some may say that I only believe in Christianity because I was raised in a culture that is predominantly Christian, but that if I had been raised elsewhere, my religion would be different. I disagree with this. I believe, and quite firmly in fact, that I would still reach the conclusion that God is the one, true God, despite my upbringing. I think it is unfair for my culture to be leveled as an argument against my faith. I had no control over where I was born, and I will not claim that growing up in a christian culture is a weakness to my faith. I have not been converted to another faith, but that does not mean that I haven't taken my Christianity seriously.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14:6-7)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
So I was talking to Nicole last night about how we change over the years, and I really don't think that I've changed much since I was about 16. At that point, I pretty much knew who I was, and who I wanted to be. While small things and minor details have changed, that person, myself at 16, is pretty much who I still am today.
I feel like this might be true of me for a few reasons. The first of which is because I am very slow to change. As I go back and re-read some of the things I have written (even on this blog) over the years, I think I still feel largely the same as I did over the years. I am the same.
When I was 15, I made a list. On that list, I wrote down the characteristics of the kind of person that I wanted to be. Looking back on the list, it is kind of funny... but still it largely reflects the same questions I ask myself. This is some of it:
1) Actions/words/responses
-Behavior that is both appropriate and free
-Avoid immaturity
-Be sensitive to situations
2) Am I a reflection of Christ?
-Live in humility
-Serve those around me
-Show respect to those around me (especially in conversations)
-Love others, including enemies
-Honor my parents and sisters
3) Leadership?
-How should I influence others?
-Care for my relationships, individual persons
4) Personally
-Am I growing in my relationship with God?
-Am I growing in wisdom?
-Am I growing in passion?
-Am I facing struggles in my life?
5) As a future spouse/mother:
-Pray for my husband w/o making my future an idol
-Pray for my family
-Am I actively pursuing my future?
-Love children
I tried to make the list as comprehensive as possible, including all areas of life. After I made this list, I made another list of actions I could take to develop myself into being the person I wanted to be. I started cooking, cleaning, watching children, praying for patience, reading more, and trying to give all of my attention to someone when in conversation with them (instead of looking around/thinking about myself or other things).
I just thought that was interesting. I think I have always wanted to be the kind of person who builds people up, and who is nice to be around. However, I didn't want this to compromise my integrity or character.
Just some thoughts.... I really was a weird 15 year old.
I feel like this might be true of me for a few reasons. The first of which is because I am very slow to change. As I go back and re-read some of the things I have written (even on this blog) over the years, I think I still feel largely the same as I did over the years. I am the same.
When I was 15, I made a list. On that list, I wrote down the characteristics of the kind of person that I wanted to be. Looking back on the list, it is kind of funny... but still it largely reflects the same questions I ask myself. This is some of it:
1) Actions/words/responses
-Behavior that is both appropriate and free
-Avoid immaturity
-Be sensitive to situations
2) Am I a reflection of Christ?
-Live in humility
-Serve those around me
-Show respect to those around me (especially in conversations)
-Love others, including enemies
-Honor my parents and sisters
3) Leadership?
-How should I influence others?
-Care for my relationships, individual persons
4) Personally
-Am I growing in my relationship with God?
-Am I growing in wisdom?
-Am I growing in passion?
-Am I facing struggles in my life?
5) As a future spouse/mother:
-Pray for my husband w/o making my future an idol
-Pray for my family
-Am I actively pursuing my future?
-Love children
I tried to make the list as comprehensive as possible, including all areas of life. After I made this list, I made another list of actions I could take to develop myself into being the person I wanted to be. I started cooking, cleaning, watching children, praying for patience, reading more, and trying to give all of my attention to someone when in conversation with them (instead of looking around/thinking about myself or other things).
I just thought that was interesting. I think I have always wanted to be the kind of person who builds people up, and who is nice to be around. However, I didn't want this to compromise my integrity or character.
Just some thoughts.... I really was a weird 15 year old.
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