I leave for class in less than 8 minutes, so I won't be late. Ready, set, go--

I have just realized how typical I am. I think most of the same things that everyone else thinks. And believe it or not, this sucks.

I think I dress different than most people though. Only that's not really intentionally, it's more that I always dress to accommodate for the opportunity that I may get to dance.

Yes, it is silly. But here, I'm going to let you in on a secret: I have always missed dance. I wish so badly that I never quit ballet, because I have never really wanted to do anything different than dance. Now, however, I'm quite not danceresque. C'est la vie.

I am going to try to have more original thoughts, because I appreciate those who do very much. I have been listening to the song "Hallelujah" for a little while... and I realized that I love the way they say "It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah" because I've never heard it described that way anywhere else. So I guess this is all to say that 1) I want to dance, and 2) I want to write WELL. Can I do either of these things? Probably not. And then I just resign to this life and what I am good at: academics, taking care of people, being insignificant. Haha, jk jk. I just thought I'd throw that in there since I couldn't think of anything else I'm particularly good at.

I can grow long hair. With plenty of split ends. And so it is.

T minus 1 minute. Time to go.

Those are the deeper things,

the things which I will always be unable to

see,

touch,

understand,

embody.

How many times I've tired and

I've tried to get it right--

only finding that in trying

there is no success.

No- it's in the ebb and flow--

the current unchanging, and the simplicity of happening:

peace,

grace,

love--

that I am changed.

Grace: "refusal to leave me as he finds me,"

"to validate any identity other than his for me."

And so I must question of the son: Are

my wings made of wax?

Or will I find that instead it is the

fears,

death,

arrows

that melt away, as I chase the daylight?

I find myself believing that there is more now,

yet the importance I cannot recognize.

Are we now focused on the pinholes,

or am I seeing a chasm with a microscope?

Find in me--

love.

And in grace, I will carry on.

To love, sacrifice, and thrive.

To take, measure, and dwell.

Be looking on, for the destination is yet unknown.

Yet the paradise of mystery is greater than the purest ocean.

"This is here and this is now,

An unfamiliar peace to me."

"I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love"

So a long time ago I read something that stuck out to me, and ever since that day I've never been able to get it out of my mind. Those words were...

I want to be able to vulnerable and open with people instantly. I want to be able to show the kind of acceptance that I am being bombarded with to everyone I meet.

Because Jesus wasn't guarded.

And he certainly wasn't afraid to love those who might hurt him. I guess what with omniscience and all, he wasn't afraid to love those who he KNEW would later hurt him.

And I think being guarded seriously hinders our ability to love.

Great ambition, right? I mean, speaking as someone who longs to emulate Christ... I am far far farfrom getting it right. Though I must admit, I am certainly trying.

It seems as though in my own life, God has once again set Himself on a mission of helping me tear down the walls that I have built around myself. It started a while ago, probably around the same time I read that other post (^). Most likely that is why I remember the words so vividly. But this time... this time it's different. This time I must let a him in. I've warmed up to letting another female know me - to glimpse on occasion through the heavy linen that enshrouds my heart - but I'm sure I can do this... I'm not sure.

As lame as it sounds, I think they got the idea right. Let's have a look, shall we?

"We have a desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is the core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can we seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."

"Most woman doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. It is, in fact, our deepest doubt. When it comes to the issues surrounding beauty, we vacillate between striving and resignation... Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide. Hide in business; hide in church activities; hide in depression. There is nothing captivating about me. Certainly not inside me."

Oddly enough, I think that this explains a lot about me. It's dumb, I know. It's WAY to feminine to be something I want to admit... but in many ways, it's true. As long as I don't let anyone see that I desire that, they I can't be disappointed when I am told, once again, "no, there's nothing special about you."

Now you see, all women understand this issue. So we're super sensitive to it. It is not unusual to hear girls telling each other how delightful they are, because we know. It's actually gotten pretty cliche, because of just how much women want to hear it. Guys... well they're different. They don't understand the need... and from my experience, have largely contributed to the problem. Now, I DO NOT mean all guys. I'm not one of those women who hate men... I guess I just don't expect them to get it, or to be sensitive to it. So, I hide. If I don't let them in, then I am not hurt by them, and they also don't have to go out of their way to even try to understand. Kind of a weird thought, right?

But I suppose I'm cheating myself then. After all, it is God who tells us once and for all that we have been made with something inside of us that captivates, and that we are worth it. If I don't allow myself to be open, essentially I rob Him of the opportunity to make me more secure in Him. Problem.

So I'm learning. I don't want to be guarded anymore. I want to love openly and freely, without expectation of return. I want to love unconditionally. I want to offer my all to people, even if they may reject it. Because you know what? I love because He loved. In Him I find all I need, and therefore whatever the world tries to take will never leave me empty or lacking. He is sufficient.

The Prayer of St. Francis

So my english teacher prayed this prayer at the beginning of class every day last semester, and ever since it has stuck with me. I love it very much, and I just wanted to share it with you all. If you read it, please actually take the time to open yourself to the Lord, and ask that He will make these words your heart's true cry. I don't often ask you guys to do something like this, but I just really feel like it wouldn't be a bad idea. And if you decide to simply ignore this, that is of course fine too. :)

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Amen.

I knew it when...

I knew it when you gave me my mother, the most beautiful and loving woman I have ever known.

I knew it when you sang to me at night, and counted each of my tears that fell in the desperation and loneliness.

I knew it when you made sure I still had something to hold onto in the numbness, even though you knew it wouldn't be you.

I knew it when you lifted the veil off of my face, and kissed each of the scars I hid underneath.

I knew it when you took my pain and sorrows, and stole the screams from my mouth to make them your own.

I knew it when you came back to get me, again and again, even when I ran away from you and my freedom, back to my bondage.

I knew it the day that I realized that you held my heart all along, and protected it from the world set out to destroy me.

I knew it when I felt my heart ripped to shreds, trying to love the one who hated me for it.

I knew it when you told me what who I am right now, imperfections and all, was more than worth it.

I knew it the day I felt you beside me, wrapping your arms around me and promising to never leave.

I knew it the day you said "Ask me for what you want," and then gave it to me.

I knew it when I cried for 3 days because I realized he didn't know it.

I knew it the day that you told me to make sure I didn't make it about anyone else but you.

I knew it the day that he showed enthusiasm, even if it was "only because of the cold."

I knew it the day that she understood, and the day you showed me a part of your plan.

I knew it the day he made the decision, even a promise he could barely keep.

I knew it the day that you said to stay still, and wait in faith for you to arrive.

I knew it the day that I fell apart, wanting what you wished to hold back.

I knew it the day that I remembered my fear, and you tried to make me confident.

I knew it when he found the house, and the movie ended with lines too perfectly imperfect to not be human.

I knew it when I realized that I cared for a glorious human, instead of the perfect robot-man who I believed would be the only one who could ever reach me.

I know it every time I look at the stars. Each one calls my name, each one seeks my heart. and then when I heard the words "I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky, so on lonely nights I would know your presence..." and I knew that it was true.

I knew it the day that I ended up under the stars again, in the cold, on the first night of winter. To him it was cliche; to me, it was ironic. I don't think YOU know how to do cliche.

I knew it the day I saw that it was all worth it. Every heartache and struggle I face will bring me back to you. I have never been so sure. Now that I stand where I once shook, I can say that yes, indeed, it's worth it. I have never known a love like this.

And I know it today, because I can't end this list. In no universe could I ever sum up the ways that you have shown me, the times I have realized it.

And this is it, this is all I know: Though I am undeserving, I know that He loves me still.

Well, this is new.

I am wondering if I am crazy, as I have chosen to step into a something where I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I guess that's where trusting God comes in, right? This is certainly going to be one of the best and most challenging things I have ever faced. I'm okay with it. I am completely blessed by God, as He has allowed me to walk into this. I could never ask for more.

Apparently I have been walking around with a huge smile on my face. I wasn't exactly aware... but I'm not surprised either. It has been a long semester, and it is amazing to me how faithful, good, and graceful God is. I don't deserve any of these things He has blessed me with, and yet He still gives them to me.

I had an epiphany the other day: I was thinking about how wonderful my God is, and how many good things He gives me. During my prayer, thanking Him for showing me His favor once again, I began to wonder why all I ever seem to do is say thanks, and wondered what I could do to give back to Him. And that's when it hit me. I already knew this, but it became all the more real. All He wants is all of me. And that's what I want to give. It's the only reasonable response to what He has given me, and therefore I am compelled by His goodness to give back! It is not obligation, but it is... that there is nothing else I CAN do. I must give myself wholly to Him who has given EVERYTHING.

And that's where I stand, in light of all He has done for me. Every part of my life must be surrendered to Him, as there is nothing else that He asks of me. And that's what I am learning to do, in every day and in every situation.

Fold and make your move

I am way to proud to verbalize my feelings

And you are way to mean if you just let this brew

It's a complicated hand that you've been dealing

Time to win me over: fold and make your move