I knew it when...

I knew it when you gave me my mother, the most beautiful and loving woman I have ever known.

I knew it when you sang to me at night, and counted each of my tears that fell in the desperation and loneliness.

I knew it when you made sure I still had something to hold onto in the numbness, even though you knew it wouldn't be you.

I knew it when you lifted the veil off of my face, and kissed each of the scars I hid underneath.

I knew it when you took my pain and sorrows, and stole the screams from my mouth to make them your own.

I knew it when you came back to get me, again and again, even when I ran away from you and my freedom, back to my bondage.

I knew it the day that I realized that you held my heart all along, and protected it from the world set out to destroy me.

I knew it when I felt my heart ripped to shreds, trying to love the one who hated me for it.

I knew it when you told me what who I am right now, imperfections and all, was more than worth it.

I knew it the day I felt you beside me, wrapping your arms around me and promising to never leave.

I knew it the day you said "Ask me for what you want," and then gave it to me.

I knew it when I cried for 3 days because I realized he didn't know it.

I knew it the day that you told me to make sure I didn't make it about anyone else but you.

I knew it the day that he showed enthusiasm, even if it was "only because of the cold."

I knew it the day that she understood, and the day you showed me a part of your plan.

I knew it the day he made the decision, even a promise he could barely keep.

I knew it the day that you said to stay still, and wait in faith for you to arrive.

I knew it the day that I fell apart, wanting what you wished to hold back.

I knew it the day that I remembered my fear, and you tried to make me confident.

I knew it when he found the house, and the movie ended with lines too perfectly imperfect to not be human.

I knew it when I realized that I cared for a glorious human, instead of the perfect robot-man who I believed would be the only one who could ever reach me.

I know it every time I look at the stars. Each one calls my name, each one seeks my heart. and then when I heard the words "I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky, so on lonely nights I would know your presence..." and I knew that it was true.

I knew it the day that I ended up under the stars again, in the cold, on the first night of winter. To him it was cliche; to me, it was ironic. I don't think YOU know how to do cliche.

I knew it the day I saw that it was all worth it. Every heartache and struggle I face will bring me back to you. I have never been so sure. Now that I stand where I once shook, I can say that yes, indeed, it's worth it. I have never known a love like this.

And I know it today, because I can't end this list. In no universe could I ever sum up the ways that you have shown me, the times I have realized it.

And this is it, this is all I know: Though I am undeserving, I know that He loves me still.

Well, this is new.

I am wondering if I am crazy, as I have chosen to step into a something where I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I guess that's where trusting God comes in, right? This is certainly going to be one of the best and most challenging things I have ever faced. I'm okay with it. I am completely blessed by God, as He has allowed me to walk into this. I could never ask for more.

Apparently I have been walking around with a huge smile on my face. I wasn't exactly aware... but I'm not surprised either. It has been a long semester, and it is amazing to me how faithful, good, and graceful God is. I don't deserve any of these things He has blessed me with, and yet He still gives them to me.

I had an epiphany the other day: I was thinking about how wonderful my God is, and how many good things He gives me. During my prayer, thanking Him for showing me His favor once again, I began to wonder why all I ever seem to do is say thanks, and wondered what I could do to give back to Him. And that's when it hit me. I already knew this, but it became all the more real. All He wants is all of me. And that's what I want to give. It's the only reasonable response to what He has given me, and therefore I am compelled by His goodness to give back! It is not obligation, but it is... that there is nothing else I CAN do. I must give myself wholly to Him who has given EVERYTHING.

And that's where I stand, in light of all He has done for me. Every part of my life must be surrendered to Him, as there is nothing else that He asks of me. And that's what I am learning to do, in every day and in every situation.

Fold and make your move

I am way to proud to verbalize my feelings

And you are way to mean if you just let this brew

It's a complicated hand that you've been dealing

Time to win me over: fold and make your move

One day Alice cam to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't really matter." - Lewis Carrol

The songs

The Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

This song has been the encouragement I need. There those things that I've been called to do, and this is the song that tells me it will be worth it. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I need to hear these things.

Lately the theme for my life has been fire. I've been thrown into the furnace, and I'm burning. Now I wait to see if I will be refined in the flame and then saved, or if I will be burned up. I hope to come out of it, to see all those things I contend for redeemed... but even if You don't, I will still stand in the fire, to bring glory to You.

You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction
It’s the declaration of my Lord
You’re not an image of gold
You’re the God of old
You have made us
Come and save us
We are Yours
But even if You don’t

We will burn!

This has been the question God has asked me. Will you still be thrown into the fire, and trust my faithfulness, even if I don't save you? My answer: yes. I will. There is no doubt in my mind that even if this destroys me, I will still go. But that's not what I want. I want them to know of God's redemption! I want them to understand His love for them. They need it. It is the most essential piece to the puzzle. If they could understand that.

God is my victory and He is here.

To a world of nonchalants and enthusiasts

I haven't said anything here in, well... forever it seems.

My world has fallen apart at the seams, and yet I feel more confident than ever in the unfathomable greatness and faithfulness of my Lord.

when the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standing

when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

when time and space are through

I'll be found in you

Those words, that confession, has never felt more real to me. Since getting back to Lee, I have quite literally felt that things have gone wrong, time after time after time. Life keeps failing me. Satan is throwing stones at my head, and dropping boulders on my shoulders. That devil seeks to overthrow my faith, but it hardly feels the attack anymore. What a fool he is, that he doesn't even realize that with each attack my armor gets thicker, and my conviction in God's faithfulness grows. It is a phenomenon that I can't quite explain. Every time I am brought back to tears of abysmal pain, I understand that much more that God is there. My faith grows in feeling with Him, as odd as it sounds. I don't mind the pain, because I know that it is good that I feel. No longer does the devil have me trapped in that numbness. I have been set free.

I love them. I do. I desperately hurt to see them know Him, because I know that it is the only solution to their pain. The cuts that go so deep can be healed. That death that encases your very flesh must be pealed away. It cracks and itches, but you haven't realized that you must first die to be set free. It's a mystery like none other, but it exactly what it claims. Freedom is for you. Love is for you. Don't walk in numbness - walk in life. Yes, there's pain, but there's greatness. When you know how much He LOVES you, the pain can only go so deep. Yes, I grieve for you. Yes, I lay awake in desperation for you. But know this, it's infinitely better to feel that pain than to not feel at all. He is good, of this I am certain.

THOUGH YOU WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, HE IS THERE. I am trying to take your hands, to walk with you. Any arrow that is shot at you, I hope will hit me instead. Any hole that you could fall in, I hope to fall in first to warn you. If I die on the way, all shall be well worth it if you make it through to the other side. Quite literally, if it takes death for you to understand, than I am more than willing to give my life.

There are two things I will NEVER sacrifice: 1) My Lord. He is my everything, and NOTHING will ever separate us. And 2) YOU. Unless it is to God, nothing in my life is worth more than you. You can take away everything from me - all possessions, emotions, relationships, life - if that's the cost. Whatever it takes of me, I want to give. You are worth it to me. You are worth it all. Never more important than God, but more than all else.

And so I write this to you, the nonchalant. Be aware that this is never casual. It is for the enthusiasts, for those who care so deeply for you that you cannot even be aware of it, that I implore. Seek the freedom for another. Stand in the gap on their behalf. When they have no words, use yours for them. They don't know the battle they fight, and if you see them wounded and captive, go get them! The enemy forces are strong, but are they not worth it? You have all legions of victory to back you up, but you must make the first move. Draw the sword that you have been carrying around like an accessory. It's time.

Enthusiasts, MOVE.

Magic

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