With that, however, comes the evident need for God to fix me in some areas. There are a couple of issues that have plagued my heart and mind for years, and I think that God is trying to work on those things again.
The first thing that I know he is doing is to alter my perception on what I have to offer. I noticed while at a Bible study last night (Sunday) that while I have so many thoughts, even thoughts that completely relate to what we're discussing, I cannot speak them. I am bound to my silence, because there is that little voice in the back of my mind that constantly, constantly, constantly tells me that I have nothing to offer. Others can speak, but I must keep to myself. "No one cares. If you talk, it will only annoy everyone. You're stupider than you seem. 'Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.'" So yeah, I don't speak. I don't want to waste people's time. I can't handle another rejection. I don't know how God is wanting to deal with this one, but it is becoming apparent to me that he wants to. Good luck, God. Just know, I am open to all that you have for me.
The second thing, which is related to the first, has to do with my desire for someone who I can look up to. I look at my friends, many of whom have had someone older and wiser offer a relationship to them, and I am someone jealous. I can't imagine how many times I could have benefited from it, but I am also tired of asking. I've tried to seek out the wise, but I always feel like a nuisance. Whenever I feel this way, I frequently fall into a downward spiral of sadness and mild self-loathing. This past year, during the spring semester, I think God really began to deal with that in my. When I felt more overlooked and ignored than ever, he told me that he was so attentive to me. I trust him, I really do. But... I guess right now, I just don't feel it. I need wisdom. I need to be able to talk to someone - someone who I don't feel like I have to prove myself to. I really, really love God. I do. For some reason, all the past older, wiser people who have even been in my life for a moment, have shown a reluctance to believe that. But, it's true. So, God, whatever you want.
Due to the past two paragraphs, where I am revealing an inordinate amount of personal things... I am super reluctant to post this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't really want to ask anyone for anything. That's the way I am. If I ask too much of people, they will run. So... please don't run. You don't have to do anything else, but please just don't run.
The deepest, honestest truth: I am distracted.
I am distracted by my Saviour. It's inconvenient. Whenever I allow myself to live in his presence, for even a minute, it's all I can think about. But, I have a tendency to let that slip, because it's so consuming. Letting one little other thing grip me rips me away from that consuming reality of my Love. But right now, I think the most appropriate way to say where I am is by using a lyric:
Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
I think what I mean is.. while God is distracting when I choose to look at him, the world sometimes distracts me. But, this time is different. I will give him my desires this time, and I intend to stand by my decision, protecting my "newly impassioned soul."
The other truth: God matters most, but after that... the only important thing is that you all know him. I can't say that enough. He LOVES you. He wants you. He suffered, and died at the hands of man, not just so that you could be with him, but so that HE could be with YOU. It's a crazy thought. It's love. Legitimate love. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).
You've heard it before, but listen again: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2).
Sorry, I didn't mean to preach or anything like that at all. I just can't help it. It really breaks my heart when those I love don't see His love for them. YOU are the most important thing. Look for Him, the only one who can love you perfectly.
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