How Lame Am I?

I'm crying again because something that I wanted backfired.

This SUCKS. Friends will be enemies?

TOMS

So, my new shoes are pretty much the best things ever. I knew you'd be jealous! That's why I'm helping you get some!

Tomsshoes.com

enter 1PAIR4FEET for $5 off when you buy them. YAY

CRAP

Now this, this was NOT supposed to happen!!!

I feel the desire aching in my heart. Every time I learn more, that desire grows. I want soo much, and I fear that I will never have it. But for the first time, I heard the response that a father would give. When I expressed my desire in a joking way, the response was first a laugh. "You'll take that back someday.." And he said, "Well I hope so. If that's really what you want, then I hope I do."

I want to cry and scream, and I want to throw my arms around for a hug. I love, and I feel the need. I want to fulfill the need of another, because I know it's there. I want to be her.

So deserves a post

Watch him do "The Wertz," as I have officially called it. (Yes, I do have the authority to do that)

I offer.

This is all I have to give.

I promise to stay by your side forever, and honestly, no matter what happens, I will support and help you. It is my wish to help you fulfill your dream, your call, your purpose, for this is mine. Ask anyone who knows me well, and you will find that I will stick with you. I will, can't you see that? I will love you, the way that you are to be loved. My life I will lay down, my heart at your feet. Your passions I will value, and I will seek to serve your servant heart.

Without you, my heart grows sick. I can't be who I am meant to be without you. I need you. I need your protection, love, leadership, covering, passion, heart. All of you. But I hope you will not see it as a nuisance. I don't bear my heart to many, but I fear that it I go any longer without expressing this, I will die. I won't die physically, but my heart might die. It is suffocating as time goes on, because no one knows it, and no one seeks it. Please save me from my loneliness.

My return will be my whole heart. Not another has had it, and never will another. You will be my love, my husband. I will care about you more than my own life.

More

So I know I'm on a Matt Wertz craze, but what you have to understand is how much his lyrics mean to me. I wished I could express these thoughts even a fraction as well as he does! Thank you sooo much, Matt!


Come Away

And I know you're weary
I know you're worn
And I know your broken hearts been torn
And I see you weeping
I know your fears
But I am the smile at the end of the tears

And sweet, sweet child
I wanna hold you awhile
And come away with me

And I know your troubles
I know your mess
And I know the words you can't express
I see your doubts
I know your pain
But I am the answer that takes it all away

Oh, sweet sweet child
I wanna hold you awhile
And come away with me

That Was Before the Day Forever Died

I can't believe you've got no tears upon your face
While mine is soaking wet, making up for your lack I guess

Red Meets Blue, a second look

A song for a Savior. Matt Wertz never ceases to amaze me.

You keep distracting me with that beauty
Leaving me wanting more
Reminding me of my duty
To lock these eyes to yours

I've never known a love so true
I want to see all of you
When green meets red and red meets blue
I want to see all of you

Sunlight dances with the distance
In her squinty eyed shoes
And I'm chasing down horizon
In hopes of being danced with too

I've never known a love so true
I want to see all of you
When green meets red and red meets blue
I want to see all of you

Daylight sings all that morning air brings
And I'm lost
I'm lost inside you

And I've never known a love so true
And I want to see all of you, all of you, all of you
When green meets red and red meets blue
I want to see all of you, all of you, all of you

Grasp. Choke. Suffocate.

I think there may be something wrong with me...

It used to be different, it used to be better. Now the smile I wear upon my face is a fake, and the only ones who can make it real have no desire to do so.

I wear a mask every day, yet I am desperate to take it off. Although it conceals me, providing safety from rejection, I seek for someone to look underneath. Everyone seems too busy, or too different to understand. Am I that strange? Am I too... anything?

I try to be a true friend. I try to love, the way my Saviour taught us to love. But it makes no difference, because even I couldn't really accept what I long for. I would glue my mask back onto my face, and pray that what I did would change the situation - but it would.

Man

Valiant, Man, how I see you...
Least likely of all that you would see me.
Your life sings of love my heart is drawn to,
All emotions have trained my heart to flee.

Yet compelled to stay...

Righteous, servant,
You break hearts of steel.
I will dance at your feet,
To serve a love that heals.

With a sacrifice you drop your knee,
Your life freely given to another.
Your smile, a face that could set a soul free...
How I long to know you unlike any other.

I ask you to know,
These words are far too plain.
Let my heart show,
All that belongs to your name....

Love as strong as the sun of July

Righteous, servant,
You break hearts of steel.
I will dance at your feet,
To serve a love that heals.

This is for you, oh brave man

Red Meets Blue

Sunlight dances with the distance
In her squinty eyed shoes
And I'm chasing down horizon
In hopes of being danced with too

Lonely Tonight

6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that i came to this town

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what I've known's been constant for a year
And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending
Sometimes I just want to run away in fear

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
And anticipation's been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow
We could tear these pages out and begin again

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me

Breathing deeply.... of desire.

Do you know the feeling of deep, consuming desire? You can feel it in your stomach and in your heart. It feels like an emptiness, a vacancy, waiting, longing to be filled, and only that which you long for can fill it.

I feel desire. I long for these two things, more than I can adequately express. I look for them all of the time, but don't know how I can rid myself of this longing. But, perhaps desires like these cannot be extinguished, but must be satisfied. Because these are a matter of what I was actually created for, maybe that is the only way.

Until this satisfaction comes, what do I do? How can I stop this aching of my heart? Breathe deep, and yes. Be still and know that I am God.

How could I have been so wrong?

For so long I missed the entire point. I need change. I need transformation.

What, Lord, ought I do? I need to be changed. I need to be more like You.

Show me what it means to be like You. I want to walk as You walked.

Sacrifice, Love. It's the reason. Don't forget.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Tell me

Is it better to choose not to accept a situation, even if this decision won't change anything?

I have come to the place of acceptance. Not that I believe that it is right, but simply that I know that the way I feel won't change anything, and sometimes it's easier to live when one has attempted to come to terms with every part of life. The good and the bad. Or to simply realize that it may not be all that bad! Maybe it's perception... the way we choose to perceive something...

Life feels easier to cope with when we choose to look for the good. I could choose to be bitter, and I have, yet this is easier. I am not accepting the sin committed, but I have to look beyond that. I don't know if I am right, however, I do know that it feels right. I can love, regardless of the past. I can be happy.

Wishing...

Hmm... what to do... I do not know.

I wish my writing was as creative as it used to be. At least in my opinion it was. =D Now it's just boring and simple. Letters, words, void originality. If lyrics were inspiring to write for yourself, I would have written a novel of words, genius, and learning. However, this is not so. I am left with the ordinary. The lacking of interest, and I can't do more. I can't muster up within myself what was felt before. I had understood life, and why I ask these questions, but now, I don't. I can't figure it out, and I can't write it out. Understand? Of course you don't! I don't have a topic, and I stray from my thesis, if I even had one. Is this even about writing? I doubt it... It's about LIFE. I want to be this way. I can't even reveal this to my head, because it's only my heart that can make sense of it all. Does the sun shine even when I ask it not to? YES! IT DOES! So when, may I ask, will the sun shine of my heart? When, dare I inquire, will this all make sense? Why did this happen, just as my heart was ready to move out? And in the insignificance of it all, I find my feet stopped. I cannot move until I know.... but then where's my faith? But I need some sort of instruction, right? Dare, puke, and I move, light pending, upon the future. Help me? Enlighten me.

You explore my meaning.

This pain

It's a heart missing what it wants. It's a vacant place, with the thing to fill not able to be found. It's a girl's worst nightmare, and a haunting current reality.

And I am losing another friend. It sucks. I can't pretend that it doesn't. I won't.
So you said I'm not alone, but then I am left lonely. What now?

All I wonder is if there is actually one who will ever want to be my friend, not just have it end up that way.


Let me know when the sun rises again, and I will gladly live.

The Verdict Is In

The answer is no.

How am I supposed to believe that they're all wrong?

Sometimes it sucks

Because I am not 1st (after God) in anyone's life. I don't know, but my opinion never carries much weight.

I'm am not trying to throw a pitty fest. I just desire to be a little more important sometimes... not blown off again.

I want to be worth it.

Even though I know God thinks that I am, He "can't" come hug me.
What ever happened to unconditional love?

I love the way you understand the way you love the way you were when no one was looking
That you were beautiful and you were worth it all and you were everything I need
You captured my attention did I mention I think you're beautiful darling

Fire Fall Down

I know that You’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I sing to glorify
Your holy Name
Jesus Christ

You bought my life with the
Blood that You shed on the cross
When You died for the sins of men
And You let out a cry
Crucified now alive in me

These hands are Yours
Teach them to serve as You please
And I’ll reach out desperate to see
All the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in You

I’ll never be the same
No I’ll never be the same

‘Cause I know that You’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I sing to glorify
Your holy Name
Jesus Christ

You’ve changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In You I’m blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of You

Your fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
As we seek
Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

What am I to do?

I don't know what to tell you. I can't make sense of the things that I have heard. I can't bring peace. I am not ready. I can't make this choice. Being numb to all emotion would be so much easier.

Truth? Can I know? It wasn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't be this way. I awake shaking, because my heart is torn, and I don't know which way to turn. My dreams lay in turmoil, and I can't do this. Where is the peace I once knew? And the joy?

I can't count on my heart. I don't know who to trust. Too many voices, too many opinions. Tell me why I shouldn't run and hide. No help. Just You. And then I doubt myself...

But I can't run. What good would that do? Of everything I've been told, I know I cannot run.

So what can I do? I need God. I need peace. I wish He could hug - I would sit in His arms and tell Him of everything. He would listen and love, and then He would speak. I would have the perfect wisdom, because it would be from the mouth of God. He knows who is right and who is wrong, and He could tell me who to trust. If it were only that simple...

I am running away. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Not to Detroit City
Not to Chicago.

And I won't let you go
I won't let you go
Not to Mississippi
Not to Tupelo.

But if you're gonna leave
I'm asking you to please
Go all the way
To Mexico.

I won't let you leave
I won't let you leave
Not with all my Django
Emmy Lou and Steve.

I won't let you leave
I won't let you leave
Not with my revival
Tucked down in the sleeve.

But if you're going to go
Take the ones you gave to me
All the way
To Mexico.

All the way to the shore of California Bay
And I'll be fine
'Cause I have taken you back for the last time.

And I won't set you free
I won't set you free
Not to say it's over
Come right back to me.

But if you're gonna go
I'm giving you the key
But only if you'll go
To Mexico.

All the way to the shore of California Bay
And I'll be fine
'Cause I have taken you back for the last time.

All the way to the shore of California Bay
And I'll be fine
'Cause I have taken you back for the last time.

So if you're gonna go baby won't you please go all the way to Mexico
All the way to Mexico

Oh here

I choose you.

It's like waiting for the return of Jesus...

Waiting for this answer...

Hello, world. How long have you been standing there?

I am totally taken aback. I don't know if it's right... this way I think. But it does seem common! I just don't know if they will understand. I don't want my reason to be this, but it is a great consideration.

Help me. I don't know. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wondering what to do next...

A Life Worth Living

When people plan their future, they always take into account best case scenarios. No one plans to be miserable. It just doesn't happen.

But the reality, things happen. Following your dreams, or even following God's will for your life does not prevent suffering. Things happen all of the time. People die, marriages end, tragedy sweeps in, and it's often not your fault. You didn't disobey God or make a foolish decision, but suffering will find you.

So now it's your life. The worst thing you could imagine happening, happens. God didn't cause it, didn't prevent it, but did allow it. Don't get confused, I'm not asking "what if?" or even "why?", I'm asking you, now what? You're miserable. Your life sucks. You'd rather die than live through this. Now what? God is still good, right? How do you know that?

These things happen EVERY DAY to godly people.

Just look at Paul. He was imprisoned several times, almost beaten to death, lived a horrific life in terms of comfort and prosperity, but this is what he says: "Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord... But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ..." (Phil 4:1-8). Paul here is saying that despite it all, he counts it as joy. His life, although undesirable, he thought to be joy.

It is impossible to teach someone the joy of the Lord. Impossible! Paul's words revealed his joy, but it was his honest response to a life relationship with the Lord. He didn't look to find joy in these situations, he simply found it. I don't understand exactly, but I now know the answer to the first question.

In these situations and times of suffering, we will only count it as joy because of our intimate relationship with the Lord. Not even what the bible says about God will carry much weight in these situation if we do not KNOW His character in our own lives. The experiences of other people won't prove a darn thing. Only if you know God. Only if you know that He is good, not only in your head, but in your heart.



Religion is being stripped from me. I am SICK of saying what's "right" or "biblical." We are people of relationship, not ritual. If I am angry, I can be angry, and still be a living witness. I can be sad, and still be an example of true joy. It is WHO I AM that is the light, not WHAT I DO. WHO I AM is what makes the difference, not WHAT I SAY, or HOW I ACT. There are no laws to define my relationship with God. All there is, is His will and me, in it. I am going to become more like Him. It will happen, and in that I will develop the character. It will not be trained into me. Instead, God is loving me into His image and likeness. I am in the river of His will, and I need not strive, because I will simply move with the current.

And I have never felt so alive, so free, or so in love!


Oh joy! That I long to know You! That rules and legalism are thrown out forever! That all things are lawful, and You will show me what's beneficial. That though I am imperfect, You took care of that at the cross --Died at Calvary to bring me back into intimate relationship with You! Oh joy! I am with You! I am Yours and You are mine! Never has it felt so real! Oh joy! You accept me wherever I am, and look forward to teaching me, revealing Yourself to me!

Silence's Secret

The night drags on forever
Waiting void your voice
But day comes again- too swiftly to pass
Once again we flourish

Unrealized dreams plague the past
And frozen time finds you and I,
If the silence could share secrets.

I'd tell that I denied my core
Though I knew it all, authentic.

In its confidence told the key--
Unremitting rain falls on the open lie
To conceal your heart, is to allow the gray to settle.
Winter will break when warmth surges upon it
Vulnerable to cold, harsh winds --yet all to certain to overcome.

And I would learn

Muddied has been the start - not at all transparent
But voice has begun to melt the ice
Unmistakable... but accepted?

And I know that I will never understand the reason--
Why the sun shines brightest when I see your face
And know that I will never take for granted
This time, this truth, this caring.

Lonely

So it just hit me. The tears won't seem to stop. My sister is away. She has gone to college, and is no longer the my best friend living across the hall. It hurts. It is a loss, and I can't believe this time has come. Our lives have been spent almost completely together, and it sucks to be split, even if the reason is ultimately good. But I can't even express how much I'm going to miss her! Senior year means nothing without my sister and great friend. I love her. I cannot believe now how many times we fought over nothing. Right now I just want to hug her. I will see her tomorrow, but for the sake of this year I cry.

And just to make matters worse, none of my friends can understand. They all say "I'm happy for her," but they can't see how much this will hurt. I'm sure she'll miss here too, but I know she will love college and it will be a good experience. I am glad for her. It will be good... but I want her here...

Boston

So it might not mean much to any of you, but I use songs that depict my emotions very often. I frequently fail to express myself verbally when it comes to how I feel... but then I find that song that resonates inside of me, and bears witness to my heart. This is not exactly my words, but it is somewhat how I feel. I don't want to physically leave where I am, but it is more a mindset that I want to leave. I want my thoughts to be less than programmed, and instead be real. I am leaving the California of ignorance and deception, and entering Boston. I don't know what I will find there, but it will be refreshing to be free again.

Boston - Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

Where I Stand: The Beat that Resonates

Have you ever heard a band begin to play a song with the beat of the drums so powerful and perfect that a thrill rises in you beyond anything you could imagine? Or that beat that races from the tips of your fingers to the innermost parts of your being? This feeling, this sound, is one of the most amazing things that I have ever experienced. The reason for this admiration is because it brings a wonderful feeling of strength to its audience, it brings memories of past times filled with close friends and family, and it allows me to believe that the future holds greater things than I could ever comprehend.

That deep beat, that powerful cry of the drums is brought by the drummer with such an authority that the audience is compelled to empathize with the percussionist. Strengthened by the sound, a revelation dawns on the hearers. This is a war cry. Now – having become an army – the people can feel their passion grow as they begin to sing the lyrics. In this way a band gives ownership of that song to the people. United by what they have just heard, they are strengthened, together.

Time and time again I have listened to this exclamation among my closest comrades, and will forever cherish these memories. Like I explained earlier, we become closer and strengthened together. Our hearts bind together, and we can live in one accord. An invaluable treasure that I have had the joy of experiencing is this unity. Innumerous times together have begun with this very resounding cry. These memories I would never trade for anything that the world could offer me – nothing yesterday, nothing today, and nothing tomorrow could ever be worth what we have created together.

This simple beat of the drum that ushers in a glorious song gives me hope for the future that draws me with each passing moment. Astoundingly, the resonating sound of the drum somehow foreshadows the proclamation that the coming song will make. It gives us a picture – a hope – for the song’s strength and wonder. This depicts life. Just as the drums give us hope for the song, they give me hope for the future – my future. Thus I adore this sound. When I have lost all belief that the future is good, this musical expectancy that reminds me that what happens now is only a foreshadowing of what the future holds.

Thus being said, it is obvious that the precession of the bold and strong drums is more than just an admirable sound to my ears. It is a strengthening tool to build up an audience, it is an instrument to recall valued memories, and it is a hope for the future of my life. I will forever apprize this sound. Resonating always within my heart and mind, the beat and authority of a drummer, and the joy that their drums bring will always allure me.

A Tough Choice

I felt condemnation because I felt like I didn't measure up. I was pursuing who I thought I ought to be more than I was pursuing the Lord. But I couldn't be perfect. You know how people say that we shouldn't allow the world to tell us who we should be (as women specifically)? Well I wasn't listening to the world, but another voice was telling me who I should be, and I couldn't measure up.

I couldn't say how I honestly felt, because I had to say the "right" thing. I was told that I couldn't be angry, and I was. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, because I thought that I was doing something wrong. But God gave us all of our emotions, and isn't surprised or offended when we feel them.

I felt like I was being pushed into a mold that I didn't fit into. I saw the "model" people, but knew no matter how "right" they were presented to be, I couldn't be them. God may have other plans for my life! We see just how very different even the snow flakes are, so how could I possibly fit into the exact model of someone else? I couldn't.


So now, I have a choice. I am stuck, because I know that whatever I chose, it will be hard. I will feel lonely again, and chances are I will let someone down. And I cannot leave my heart out of it - now matter how much I may want to.

However, I now can make my choice in light of God's will for me. He has a glorious plan, and will never leave me or abandon me. I desire to return to the simplicity of my First Love. I do not know Him as a father, but I hope that He will reveal that to me. I barely know Him as a friend, or as a lover, or a teacher. In fact, I barely know who He is at all! I need to take some time to focus on getting to know who HE is. That is my desire. I don't care if I am doing or feeling what someone else tells me I should do, say, or feel, because I know that God is going to reveal Himself to me, and in that I will grow.

But I also don't want to leave a place broken. I have felt the pain from there, but the mistakes should not define my season there. I know I have learned and grown a lot in this place. But sometimes God leads us to new places we never expected...

Loving You

There was a time when there was nothing I could do
So incomplete and yet complete inside of You
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

With such a beauty now my mind cannot erase
A simple look and I can only run Your way
Because I was made for loving You
Yes I was made for loving

And when I danced with You I finally found my place
It's so extraordinary in a normal way
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

There is no part of me Your eyes will escape
Through the night until the shadows drift away
Because I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

In just one moment I have found my way
It's so extraordinary in a normal way
Because I was made for loving You
Yes I was made for loving
I was made for loving You
I was made for loving

I Know A Man

I know someone who is completely wonderful. I have just recently (within the past year) begun to see how great he truly is! He is very much a guy, and loves playing soccer and running, among other things, yet he esteems good literature and old-fashioned values as a girl would (think Mr. Darcy). He is honest and gentle, yet not timid about his beliefs. He is not overbearing, but a help and a leader. Not forceful, but caring. He is good-humored, but absolutely not mocking of others. And he is not a fool, nor would he act as one for any joke. And he is wise, beyond his years.

He has been raised to know what is good and noble. He has been raised to be a God-fearing man - and that he is becoming. He seeks wisdom, and is what most would call a gentleman. Any woman would be lucky to have him when the time comes, but I know that he would not see it that way. To him, he would most certainly be the lucky one, for any woman he would marry would have to be as incredible as he.

I am blessed to call him family. It is an honor to know him.

Strange

It feels weird to be by myself again, but I guess I will have to get used to it, since she's leaving soon.

Sometimes I blink, and life passes by

Love that is not denying reality, but accepts fault and loves regardless.
To love someone unexpected. To love at all.

And I want to explain love, but I can't. No clichés, but honest love, including action and sentiment. Not perfect love, but love that says what doesn't make sense to all. Love that is not "model" love, but is true. Love that will sacrifice. Love that will endure. There is no way to express what I speak.

I know what I search for, but don't know what will be found. I'll let you know when my heart has finished the search.


And for some reason, this helps to illustrate:

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay for a while
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Wish I...

I want to be genuine. I want to be her.

Names

These are a few names that I love:

Tristan Josiah - Bold, Fire of the Lord
Jael Rae - "Jay-Elle"-to ascend, doe
Sloane Nell - Warrior, light
Anthony - Priceless
Keelan - Little and slender
Leigh - From the meadow
Joel - Jehovah is the Lord
Spencer - Administrator/A steward
Drew - Wise/sturdy
Aidan - Fire
Chérie - Darling/Beloved

Do You Remember?

When we were young, our parents had rules like "No running in the house," and "Wear your helmet." I remember the day that I realized the purpose of those rules. My little sister was running through the house, and fell and hit her head. I was surprised that I never knew before that those rules were there for our protection. My parents loved me, and didn't want to spoil my fun, but instead protect me from harm.

I am beginning to realize that a lot of the "rules" I feel I must live under now are also for my protection. I am loved, and because my leaders see that I am not always wise enough to make the best decisions, they have asked me to follow their "rules." They want to protect me too! This is not because they don't understand, it is because they know that I may not see the potential harm in things.

So, again, I have a decision to make. Do I stay under their protective "rules," or do I choose my own way, even if pain is likely?

Encouraged.

It was good. Life brightens, and I see purpose again - my purpose. I have not totally crashed and burned.. I already did that, and God saved me. I redirect the focus off of me, and onto Him.

Purpose.

I cannot live a life without it.

Love. My purpose.

To love in everything, in every meaning of the word. To sacrifice my life, so love others like they need to be loved. How they are love--how God loves them.

It's strange to hear other peoples' opinions of me. It almost seems like they notice the qualities that are my biggest struggles as what marks me (as a strength). So, while I don't understand all of it, it is encouraging to hear what people see in you that God wants to use. Gifts, talents, strengths, that people come in contact with when they meet you. Thank you, friends, for everything you do for me.

I am not (it seemed like you wanted to know)

I feel abandoned. I feel like a failure. Then I feel like I am believing a lie from Satan, and therefore making myself even more of a failure.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference in other people's lives like I should, and that everything I feel I should not be feeling. I feel like no one is proud of me, no matter what I do.

I know that I am loved by some, but only God knows why. And saying what I just said makes me feel like I'm lousy for throwing a pity party. But I don't feel like a daughter, and I don't feel like I have a brother, and I certainly don't feel pursued. I know my mom appreciates me, but that at any moment I'll let her down. I feel so immature for saying these things, which kills me because I so badly want to grow up and be responsible. My dad doesn't care and my mom doesn't know. And I feel like if I was doing things right I wouldn't be feeling this way.

I am cut deeply by words that should be helpful, and then I feel so alone like no one understands me. I want to be there for my close friend, but I feel like I can't help her. I can't be who I ought to be. I know that she loves me, trust me, I know.

And most of all I wish I could end this post telling of how God has changed these feelings.. Leave the testimony of a mature Christian.. but again, I fail to do so. I know that He is good, and He is faithful and righteous. None of this is a reflection of who He is. So again, I'm the one at fault.

Don't feel bad for me. I do not want pity. I don't know what I need. I don't want compassion or understanding, I want to see me change. This is so you know what I am feeling, not so that you can feel sorry for me. I absolutely do not want to be treated any differently, unless you are eventually motivated to speak by who I am, not how I'm feeling.

Apparently, Change Comes Creeping In the Back Door

Some things come and some things go, and I guess time thinks it's time. I can't sit back and watch, but I need some time to figure out why. I need to release my grab on current reality.. and move on. Just not to accept the change, and be deceived into thinking that what it is, it is not. Don't be fooled. Don't listen, but listen. Don't shut out, don't shut down. Move, look up,

walk forward.

Keep moving, you can't out-run the truth. But don't miss the now by running by it. Steady gaze, intense dissection, no over-analysis.

Time. Change. PUKE.

Yet love. I know love. I feel love.

And I feel failure.

Never have I felt like such a huge disappointment. I need to be more.

Yet love. I know love. I feel loved. However, I need to be more. I am not enough... who I want to be. No one things so, not enough.

And I need someone to want to understand. Don't pretend, no words --action.


I need to be free. I need to be allowed to be angry. It IS okay, Mentor. Anger is an emotion, and temper tantrums are not always a lack of self-control. There is a right, and there is a wrong. I need to be angry. I need to cry. I need to feel. I need to be accepted. I need to desire. I need to develop. I need you to try to understand, and stop telling me who I ought to be. I am not perfect, and apparently that's all you're looking for. I will mature, but give me time. Please like who I am now, too. Tell me.

Sometimes I Like To Be Vague

A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger. -Proverbs 15:1

This is so true. I see families that bicker with no end, and this usually shares some cause in the matter.

Nothing more to say.

For the worst... (this is not a jab to erin..)

There are a few things in life that really bother me. It is not so much that they make me mad, but they make me sad. Tonight, for the silliest reason, I was reminded of one of those things.

I cannot bear when someone does not believe what I say concerning my motives and emotions - the reasons for why I do certain things. For example, when I as young we had a rule in our house that we were not allowed to pass by things that needed to be put away - we must pick them up and put them away. I walked up stairs and saw a pile at the top, and for whatever reason, walked by without taking anything. I knew the rule, so I immediately returned to do as I was supposed to do. As I was walking down the hall toward the pile, my dad yelled "Danielle! Come pick this stuff up!"
"I was on my way to do that."
"No you weren't. Don't lie."

I was telling the truth. It hurt so much to know that I couldn't make my dad believe me, no matter how much I wanted him to listen.

It still gets me even today. If I know what was going on inside of me, but can't convince someone else that I am telling the truth, I go crazy. And it is not enough for the other person to simply say that they believe me- I need to believe that they really do.

Discouraged

I feel very discouraged. It is as if I am not measuring up, and not changing to do so. At this point, I'm not sure if it's true - that I'm failing to do my job - or if it is a lie. I feel as though I am not even doing as much as I used to, and I hate it. I hate failing to mature. I hate that I may be making no difference - and that I am not who I need to be.

All for Love

I love my Church. They are my family! I mean that so sincerely too. And I love Pastor Dale. He knows me before he even knows me. I can't explain it, but I mean it. I love sitting and listening to him. He speaks with such wisdom.

So, at this moment I celebrate my Pastor.

Love Languages!

I was in the shower this morning (you know, to be clean), and I started thinking about the five love languages. So here they are:

• Words of Affirmation
  Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic.

• Quality Time
  Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

• Gifts
  It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

• Acts of Service
  Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

• Physical Touch Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need. (Or a hug!)
  

Now, my primary love language is Quality Time. If a friend won't spend time with me, I have a difficult time believing that they truly value the relationship and love me. But followed closely behind is Words of Affirmation. I treasure words like this, and trust me, I will never forget them! They make a HUGE impact in my life. Even an "I am proud of you" statement will make my day.

So, I leave this with a question: What is your love language (if I don't already know)? Take a minute to tell me, so that I may express to you, in your language, just how much I love and value you.

"The Hug"

We call it "The Hug." What that refers to is a hug that is so good that one would be lost for words to tell of it. It's a hug that evokes emotions that aren't usually touched, and causes one's mind to return to that moment multiple times over. It's a sense of security and mystery, and also value and belonging.

Each one of "The Hugs" will differ slightly, depending on person and situation (but you get the gist of it, right?). "The Hug" is a very desired hug - executed fantastically, and received openly.

Tonight, "The Hug" and an endearing phrase were mine to treasure. Because I often fail to process this type of occurrence quickly and thoroughly, the only thing I can think to do is write about it. I cannot utter how deeply I value this, but I can attempt to tell of why it means so much to me.

God is such a wonderful God. He created this. "The Hug" is only a reflection of the Author. I can only imagine what it will be like to find myself in the arms of my Lord and savior! I am secure. I belong in His arms. I am valued, worth His life. I have the mystery of His heart to unravel. I cannot think of anything better. Tonight I got to taste of it. Hug me again, until I am held by my God!

A Dream Deferred (Langston Hughes)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Jehovah-Jireh

I arrived home to find myself lonely. I could talk to my sisters, mother, or girl friends as much as I desired, but that was not what my heart longed for that night. I wanted the company of three specific males.

I went to talk to God in the desire to quench my loneliness as I have learned to do. I told Him about what I was feeling, how I wanted to be around these three guys. His response was what surprised me. After I poured out my heart to the Lord, He asked me "Why?"
"I don't know, Lord."
"Ask Me then. Ask me why you want to be with them."
"Lord, why do I so desire the company of these three guys."
"Each guy represents a relationship with guys that I designed you to have. The first man represents your father relationship. The second represents your brother relationship. The third represents the husband you desire, and your marriage. Each of these relationships I have designed you to need and desire."
"Okay, so what now?"
"Trust Me. Seek Me."

I can't say that I was completely satisfied. I was still lonely. However, I was reminded of God's faithfulness. He will provide what I need. I have already seen those relationships strengthen since this night. I know that as long as I remain in the will of God, He is sufficient to provide.

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:19

How does prayer change an unchangeable God?

Welcome to my life.

The other day I was considering all of the thoughts that I entertain, and wish to tell of, but can find no opportunity to tell. So, here it is your choice. If you wish to know the thoughts that consume - and at times plague me - this is the place to be.

Lately I have been contemplating the power of prayer. How does prayer change an unchangeable God? If God already knows that His mind will be changed, does prayer really change anything at all? Prayer would then be in vain, would it not? But, we know that God does hear our prayers, and prayer does provoke change. Our prayers are heard, and the unchangeable God, who knows the past, present, and future, listens and responds.

It is not an uncommon belief that prayer does not change God's plan, but instead it changes the one who is praying. However, it seems quite evident in the Bible that prayer does change things. But how? This, I do not know. Thus, my thoughts are consumed by attempting to solve the mystery of how prayer works. All I know is that it does work. I will continue to read about the different views on prayer, from the Pentecostals to Predestination in hopes to find the answers, but in the end, nothing will change what my heart will bear witness to. Prayer changes things.