And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground.
Why do some things hit hard enough and just make you want to curl up in a hole? I guess that's big drama... but I just love my sister.
Why can other people wear their flaws, while I must hide mine? Hmm...
#don'tbringthisupinconversationwithme
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
It's getting a little bit better...
I've started talking to allowing myself to think again, which is good. In doing so, I've learned a couple of things. So, regarding abandonment.
My personal hell:
My personal hell:
People who are primarily Internalizers have problems with:And the paralysis will be defeated.
- Depression
- Other-Centeredness
- Care-taking and approval-seeking
- Lack of adequate boundaries
- Have difficulty saying "no" for fear of abandonment
- And, lack of a sense of personal power
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Introverting
I think my introverted nature has taken an even greater step.
I usually process extensively before I say anything in a group, because I feel like what I think to say isn't significant enough.
Now I do that with my own journal, and this one, too.
I usually process extensively before I say anything in a group, because I feel like what I think to say isn't significant enough.
Now I do that with my own journal, and this one, too.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Summer
So many weddings. So, so many weddings. Three this month alone. I'm excited about all of them, too. I'm also glad I'm not getting married yet, but excited about the prospect of the person who might marry us. It would be the awesomest thing ever, I think.
I spend a couple hours at Donna's house this week visiting with her. We sat on the front porch for hours because it was so beautiful outside. It makes my heart glad to have someone like her in my life--to be able to sit for hours and just talk about what God does, has done, and is doing. Sometimes it's difficult for me to remember how much that means to me. But when she told me her answer to "What have you read today?"--"All of Ruth, all of Hebrews, and some chapters in Isaiah" (or something like that)--I remember that there are people out there that understand my love.
The funny thing that happened though is that when I asked Noelle if she knew Donna's son (because he's Noelle's age), Noelle said, "Donna's a mom?! I just thought she was someone your age... Like, one of your friends..." But that's almost the most perfect thing. There's nothing about Sunday nights that feels like a hierarchical system. We all love each other, and it's the way a family should be. It's a blessin'. But for real.
I do miss Kyle, though. He's been so busy with school and work, and now we're so far apart. It's hard to find time to talk. I'm just hoping it gets better soon since he's done with his May classes.
I can't wait until I have a home where people will come and be, and know God's peace and grace and wonder. They will grow together.
I spend a couple hours at Donna's house this week visiting with her. We sat on the front porch for hours because it was so beautiful outside. It makes my heart glad to have someone like her in my life--to be able to sit for hours and just talk about what God does, has done, and is doing. Sometimes it's difficult for me to remember how much that means to me. But when she told me her answer to "What have you read today?"--"All of Ruth, all of Hebrews, and some chapters in Isaiah" (or something like that)--I remember that there are people out there that understand my love.
The funny thing that happened though is that when I asked Noelle if she knew Donna's son (because he's Noelle's age), Noelle said, "Donna's a mom?! I just thought she was someone your age... Like, one of your friends..." But that's almost the most perfect thing. There's nothing about Sunday nights that feels like a hierarchical system. We all love each other, and it's the way a family should be. It's a blessin'. But for real.
I do miss Kyle, though. He's been so busy with school and work, and now we're so far apart. It's hard to find time to talk. I'm just hoping it gets better soon since he's done with his May classes.
I can't wait until I have a home where people will come and be, and know God's peace and grace and wonder. They will grow together.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Are blog posts allowed to be vague?
Because this one will be. My thoughts are vague, my feelings are vague...
All I can think is that I love Shane & Shane. They are happy music for me. Not to mention that it has been due to many of their songs that my life has changed drastically.
I miss the people from my old life sometimes. They were pretty awesome, and I still hold onto the fact that I was happy back then (not that I'm unhappy now). I just wish I wasn't emotionally stunted, because the more I think about, that's what I'm pretty sure I am.
No worries though. Obviously I'd say that. I can't be unhappy, just as I can't say everything on my mind. Being unhappy just reflects poorly on me, and that can't be. I'm not unhappy though, really. I am in love, because... even now, we love you, Jesus :).
Maybe this is one bit of writing that should have stayed in my personal journal. It's not really a huge problem though, because I am certain that my readership is fairly low. I only occasionally get the weird automatically generated advertisement comment. I don't delete them because I'm not sure than it matters. Maybe I like thinking that someone is reading--even if it's a robot. Hey, robots are people too! My story will make a difference in their life.
Oh, but for real, you should all read the book Who's Afraid of Postmodernism? It's pretty cool, if you're a nerd like me, interested in the way that postmodernism interacts with faith and the church. I love it, personally. Also, though, it really goes along with the idea that "They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony" (Rev. 12:11). Ha! Po-Mo fun.
Paz, amor.
All I can think is that I love Shane & Shane. They are happy music for me. Not to mention that it has been due to many of their songs that my life has changed drastically.
I miss the people from my old life sometimes. They were pretty awesome, and I still hold onto the fact that I was happy back then (not that I'm unhappy now). I just wish I wasn't emotionally stunted, because the more I think about, that's what I'm pretty sure I am.
No worries though. Obviously I'd say that. I can't be unhappy, just as I can't say everything on my mind. Being unhappy just reflects poorly on me, and that can't be. I'm not unhappy though, really. I am in love, because... even now, we love you, Jesus :).
Maybe this is one bit of writing that should have stayed in my personal journal. It's not really a huge problem though, because I am certain that my readership is fairly low. I only occasionally get the weird automatically generated advertisement comment. I don't delete them because I'm not sure than it matters. Maybe I like thinking that someone is reading--even if it's a robot. Hey, robots are people too! My story will make a difference in their life.
Oh, but for real, you should all read the book Who's Afraid of Postmodernism? It's pretty cool, if you're a nerd like me, interested in the way that postmodernism interacts with faith and the church. I love it, personally. Also, though, it really goes along with the idea that "They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony" (Rev. 12:11). Ha! Po-Mo fun.
Paz, amor.
Monday, May 21, 2012
I'm trying...
to be healed.
I think after all this past year, I've realized that I've been broken. But it's okay, because I will recover.
I have to acknowledge that I'm not alright. I'm not perfectly okay. My dad, my church, and many other things have destroyed my confidence, but I'm slowly gaining it back. I wrote yesterday in my journal "Why do I not believe that God in me is as great as God in someone else?" and I think I'm beginning to process the answer. Oddly enough, question I asked can also function to answer my fear: God in me is as great as God in someone else. It's just true.
So I'm working on knowing who I am, and knowing how to live that way. Even though I don't always feel like I have the permission I want to attempt to do something great or worthwhile, I know that God in me is no less God than He is in those people that I have looked up to.
“A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.” -John 3:27-30
Yep.
I think after all this past year, I've realized that I've been broken. But it's okay, because I will recover.
I have to acknowledge that I'm not alright. I'm not perfectly okay. My dad, my church, and many other things have destroyed my confidence, but I'm slowly gaining it back. I wrote yesterday in my journal "Why do I not believe that God in me is as great as God in someone else?" and I think I'm beginning to process the answer. Oddly enough, question I asked can also function to answer my fear: God in me is as great as God in someone else. It's just true.
So I'm working on knowing who I am, and knowing how to live that way. Even though I don't always feel like I have the permission I want to attempt to do something great or worthwhile, I know that God in me is no less God than He is in those people that I have looked up to.
“A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.” -John 3:27-30
Yep.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Post-Grad
I have a lot of thoughts, but I never take the time to sit down and write anymore.
Looking back at my blogs over the years, I wish I still wrote consistently. Even my personal journal is lacking. I have several old journals, filled with thoughts from over the years. Many of those pages are embarrassing; many of my old ideas were very limited, immature. Regardless, though, I have them. I know who I was, and I know where I came from, and that's nice to see.
People have never read my blog, really, but I don't really care much at all. It's still here. It still lives on, beyond me. I've thought about changing blogs so often--moving to tumblr, or somewhere else interesting and more popular, but I feel some sort of loyalty to this old one. It's nothing fancy, and I only rarely make it look fancier... but I can't abandon it.
It's almost like how I can't abandon an old bible, with old notes.
So I've had this blog since 2007. In 2007, I started this blog with the question: "How does prayer change and unchangeable God?" I think it's almost odd to look back at the situation in which I was writing, and think of how much it changed me. I wrote that post after meeting a 8 year-old girl, who was dying. It became a big debate about whether or not it would make a difference that people were in her house praying for her 24/7. My friend's dad said no, Joel said yes--who would I choose to believe?
Little did I know--being 16, being young, foolish, and way too trusting--that this was a debate Christians have long entertained. This semester I wrote about Chaucer's struggle with the issue. And wouldn't you know, 5 years later, I'm still unsure. But hey, I'm in good company.
I do know one thing--"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them." -Mark 11:23
I asked God about this verse long ago, and He answered. It was a crazy experience, but life-changing. I guess that's when it all started.
I remember I used to listen to Brooke Fraser's song "Arithmetic" all the time. It goes like this:
I remember how much I used to want to feel this way. I used to sit in bed and wish that I felt this, completely. It was as if everything I had wanted to be given up, but I still couldn't make it happen.
What's strange now... is that... I do feel this way. In the last verse, I used to worry that I wouldn't be able to say the same thing--that somehow my love for God would die away, and that my life wouldn't have lived His song... but now, I don't worry about that. I don't know how, or when, but I know that I'm not the same person that used to worry about such things. I don't cry thinking about how that might not be me, because that is me.
As I am now graduated from college and looking for a job, this is becoming my greatest struggle. I've realized that no matter how many songs we can sing about how we want God to be the center or our lives, the only thing we live for, our greatest obsession, etc., there's something in life that desperately fights against that being a reality. And I can't do it! I need for my life to be for something meaningful--not just something, but I need my life to be lived for God. I need to be doing something that He wants me to do, or else there's no point! I can't be purposeless, because there's so much that needs to be done. I just have to find out where my place is.
So here's the deal. I want to be a personal assistant. I want to help someone do something meaningful. I want to assist someone with what they can't do as they accomplish the dream that God has given them. That's my dream job. That's my desire.
Ready. Set. Go.
Looking back at my blogs over the years, I wish I still wrote consistently. Even my personal journal is lacking. I have several old journals, filled with thoughts from over the years. Many of those pages are embarrassing; many of my old ideas were very limited, immature. Regardless, though, I have them. I know who I was, and I know where I came from, and that's nice to see.
People have never read my blog, really, but I don't really care much at all. It's still here. It still lives on, beyond me. I've thought about changing blogs so often--moving to tumblr, or somewhere else interesting and more popular, but I feel some sort of loyalty to this old one. It's nothing fancy, and I only rarely make it look fancier... but I can't abandon it.
It's almost like how I can't abandon an old bible, with old notes.
So I've had this blog since 2007. In 2007, I started this blog with the question: "How does prayer change and unchangeable God?" I think it's almost odd to look back at the situation in which I was writing, and think of how much it changed me. I wrote that post after meeting a 8 year-old girl, who was dying. It became a big debate about whether or not it would make a difference that people were in her house praying for her 24/7. My friend's dad said no, Joel said yes--who would I choose to believe?
Little did I know--being 16, being young, foolish, and way too trusting--that this was a debate Christians have long entertained. This semester I wrote about Chaucer's struggle with the issue. And wouldn't you know, 5 years later, I'm still unsure. But hey, I'm in good company.
I do know one thing--"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them." -Mark 11:23
I asked God about this verse long ago, and He answered. It was a crazy experience, but life-changing. I guess that's when it all started.
I remember I used to listen to Brooke Fraser's song "Arithmetic" all the time. It goes like this:
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marveling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologize my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic
'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
I remember how much I used to want to feel this way. I used to sit in bed and wish that I felt this, completely. It was as if everything I had wanted to be given up, but I still couldn't make it happen.
What's strange now... is that... I do feel this way. In the last verse, I used to worry that I wouldn't be able to say the same thing--that somehow my love for God would die away, and that my life wouldn't have lived His song... but now, I don't worry about that. I don't know how, or when, but I know that I'm not the same person that used to worry about such things. I don't cry thinking about how that might not be me, because that is me.
As I am now graduated from college and looking for a job, this is becoming my greatest struggle. I've realized that no matter how many songs we can sing about how we want God to be the center or our lives, the only thing we live for, our greatest obsession, etc., there's something in life that desperately fights against that being a reality. And I can't do it! I need for my life to be for something meaningful--not just something, but I need my life to be lived for God. I need to be doing something that He wants me to do, or else there's no point! I can't be purposeless, because there's so much that needs to be done. I just have to find out where my place is.
So here's the deal. I want to be a personal assistant. I want to help someone do something meaningful. I want to assist someone with what they can't do as they accomplish the dream that God has given them. That's my dream job. That's my desire.
Ready. Set. Go.
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